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Title: A Day In The Life, March 31
Author: [livejournal.com profile] morrobay1990
Genre: post canon/1991
Word count: 315
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's.
♥ Jack

I was going to apologize for Ennis and the way he deals with it all...but no, it is him...












Storm at Sea, 1865
Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot
Storm-at-Sea,-1865-large





It was a constant struggle, an internal tug-of-war...now happy, accepting...now angry, unforgiving...now sad, down to zero.

It was getting to be too much for him to deal with, these thoughts that came unbidden, unwanted...why couldn’t his life be normal...what he supposed normal was...moving through a day without feeling the staggering weight of the past...had it always been this way? He didn’t spend time analyzing his day, just wished things were different.

Maybe all men had this same thing, some unseen thing that followed them around, dogged their steps, hounded their thoughts, rattled their dreams. And if others had this thing, what did they do about it?

Maybe this was what life really was all about. Live and learn, love and lose, all that shit.

But no. It had to be more, there had to be more to it...but if so, what was it? And did he even have the strength or interest to try to change it now?

Some days were hard to deal with but he did it anyway...could be worse...could be Earl. He was alive...sort of.

If he thought of it that way, thought of just what he had sacrificed to be alive alone in this trailer…well, those were drinking nights...or days. Sometimes it started early in the morning...Jack gone, thoughts of family deserted him, only the high sadness of what he’d lost remained, and spun circles around in his mind until...

So even though it was Easter Sunday, he sat in his comfortable chair, with a full glass of Jack Daniels next to him, anticipating this oft-repeated ritual. He had already told Junior he wouldn’t be over for her ham dinner – had to help out at the ranch, and sorry, but Ben couldn’t go this time.

The first sip gave him assurance of relief...slowed his thoughts until doubt, questions, wondering, faded, and he was free to celebrate the past.

















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Life

Date: 2013-03-31 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] joetheone.livejournal.com
I sit here this easter also in sorrow but not drinking the day away. My grandmother died 27 years ago on Easter this day. It was a hard day and I feel somber but I also understand why Ennis does not want to celebrate when it is just one more reminder of the one love he lost and never celebrated the day with. joe

Re: Life

Date: 2013-03-31 04:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] morrobay1990.livejournal.com
I'm sorry that Easter marks such a sorrowful time for you.

We may or may not grieve to the extent Ennis does, but each of us has felt some kind of loss and can, I hope, understand that sometimes it is just too much for him to bear.

Date: 2013-03-31 04:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] skinheadbrian.livejournal.com
.

yep, that sounds like him, to a 'T'.

....stubborn ol' fucker.

;-)

.

Date: 2013-03-31 05:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mazaher.livejournal.com
Ok, I hope you won't mind if I mention this, and apologies beforehand anyway. You know that I do really like the difference of opinions about the OS and the characters, given that it makes for more diverse and differently lovely fiction, so I really am not out to try and convert anyone!
But you write Ennis so well, this bit is so good, and there is this intense bit:
"...just what he had sacrificed to be alive alone in this trailer".
*Yes*! Your words convey very well his feelings as I believe you meant to express them. At that moment, Ennis feels exactly that. My point is, I don't think the feeling is correct...
I think that what he sacrificed, he did not in order to stay alive, but in order for *the both of them* to stay alive. Tragically, it didn't work out, but that was Ennis' intention all along.
Also, in view of the OS, and of the routes gossip tends to take in small-ish communities, I have a definite hunch that Jack's murder was much more a consequence of his individual indiscretions in Texas than his trips to Wyoming.
And, as much as I may wish for some glorious coming-out, and love to read about that in fiction, I believe that Ennis' low-profile policy was probably (and sadly) more likely to keep them safe. Which it didn't anyway.
Ok, enough sadness for a holiday. Thank you very much, your stories never fail to make me think.

Date: 2013-03-31 06:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] morrobay1990.livejournal.com
No apologies necessary from you, ever.

He did as you say, which is, sacrificed having a life with Jack together, so they could stay as they were, safe but apart...and of course, he couldn't keep them safe.

You know, I've never really thought in depth of Jack's murder...if he was careless, or maybe just didn't care...who was watching, and what did they see? I don't think it was LD, I believe it was strangers, but that's as far as I've taken it.

Thanks, your comments make me think, too.

Date: 2013-03-31 06:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mazaher.livejournal.com
I also think that it was more or less a replay in the next generation of what Ennis had been forced to witness as a child.
I find it chilling that nothing seems to have changed in decades, not even the ease with which such a crime is silenced and passed on as an accident. So much so that the OS leaves us uncertain about what *really* happened...
Was Jack actually murdered? Or is it all in Ennis' slightly paranoid mind?
As for Jack, I'm afraid I tend to think that his optimism was less realistic than Ennis' attitude, and that he may have allowed more to be seen than he should have: perhaps as a challenge to the world and to all the "no"s surrounding him...? The thought makes the outcome even more devastating.
Thank you again!

Date: 2013-03-31 07:01 pm (UTC)
ext_325262: Pip Pumphandle (Default)
From: [identity profile] sid401k.livejournal.com
We make choices in life and then we have to live with the consequences of those choices. And when the consequences are not all good, we can't help but wonder if we made the right choice. Which leads into considering the possible consequences of another choice, and if those consequences, good and bad, might or might not add up to a more satisfactory (or somewhat less unsatisfactory) overall outcome.

Date: 2013-04-01 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwylliondream.livejournal.com
This one really makes a reader think about what Ennis's intentions were in refusing the C&C so much. What outcome did he have in mind when he refused? He knew what he didn't want. But what did he truly want?
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