All Things Considered, 13
Mar. 16th, 2012 01:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 13
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1900
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Travis had given in and now Ennis had to make a fucking decision one way or the other. He guessed he had known for a while now what it was going to take to settle this whole damn thing.
He was going back to Brokeback, and he was going alone.
Ghosts were everywhere - he and Jack as they had been...laughing, talking, riding out to the sheep, sitting by the fire, in the tent, together in the tent that first night, then him surrendering to Jack, afraid at first, then loving it...
He heard Jack's voice clear, drifting back to him from so many years ago: Every fuckin' day's hard...You gonna waste your whole life just 'cause it's hard? I fuckin' give up.
Don't give up on me, Jack, you never did before.
Chapter 13
He got out of the truck and walked to the door, almost turning away before he got there. No two ways about it, he was as nervous now as he had ever been in his life, afraid to risk his heart a second time, afraid to let his private thoughts of Jack loose, afraid he might lose them if he did.
He knocked on the door, Travis answered in less than a minute.
“Ennis, what are you doing here?”
“I thought we should…maybe it’s time…do you want to…can I maybe come in and sit down for a minute?”
“Sure, sorry.”
He moved aside and Ennis stepped into the modest living room of the modest house – dusty streets and shoebox houses – shit, this was never gonna work...he already missed the freedom of Brokeback, his own personal Eden with Jack...missed even his sanctuary in the hills.
He took his hat off, felt the room closing in on him. Travis gestured to a chair, asked again, “What are you doing here?”
All the thoughts Ennis had in his mind only moments before evaporated like water on a hot iron. He tried to calm down.
“I went to Brokeback.”
That was all he could get out, but it was enough to force Travis to speak next, giving him another few seconds to collect his thoughts.
“Why? I thought we were…” It was meant as a simple question, Ennis heard it as an accusation and interrupted.
“Look, I had to get away from here, had to think things through. I got a million things goin through my mind right now.”
He was starting to hope that Travis didn’t fuck this up before he even got started. Or maybe that’s exactly what he was hoping for...then he could go away from here, back where he started, where he belonged. Was that where he wanted to be, or was it here? Fuck if he knew.
“Well, I’d be glad to help you with that if you’d like to let me in on any of them.” Travis let the sarcasm come through.
The words came to him: “It’s gonna be hard – so what? Every fuckin day’s hard.”
Ennis took a breath, “I got some things to say, so hear me out and we’ll see where we go from there.”
Travis said, “Fair enough,” then went to the kitchen and poured two glasses of whiskey, came back and gave one to Ennis, sat down.
Ennis took a long swallow, summoning his courage. “I never said these words out loud to a soul, it ain’t easy for me, but I know you deserve more than what I’m givin' you.”
“Bein' on Brokeback with Jack was the best fuckin time of my life, ‘cept for when my girls was born.”
He drank again, paused to try to get his thoughts in order.
“I can’t put no words to it – that’s why the rememberin' keeps me goin'. I went up there in ’63 with nothing and nobody…didn’t expect nothing or nobody, either. Had the next part figured out: I was gonna marry Alma, settle down, have kids, nice little nothin life.”
Even as he spoke his thoughts were going back, he couldn’t stop them, didn’t want to stop them, but he was fighting hard to get the words out, wasn’t even sure that he was able to share this with anyone.
How do you explain Jack Twist?
“Never met anybody like Jack before. Just thought he was crazy at first. But we spent time…” He stopped, looked down at the glass in his hand. Jesus.
Started up again.
“Got to know him better over the weeks, y'know, drinkin’ll make ya open up some. Started to trust him, no reason not to. One night we both got pretty drunk, I couldn’t even stand up to get in the saddle, ended up…” His voice was fading.
He looked over at Travis who had leaned back in his chair, head rested back, eyes focused on the ceiling, so he wouldn’t feel like he was prying, not wanting to make it more difficult for Ennis by looking at him as he tried to say this.
“What I’m tryin to say is a lotta things happened up there...I was different after.”
“It was like he gave me so much of my life back, I felt like I owed him everything, every time I saw him over the years it got better – for me. Saw him for 16 years, whenever we could get away – lookin' back I think that was the only thing that kept me goin' back then, knowin' I'd be seein' him, getting' back to the mountains....felt like freedom. And when he asked me for something, I couldn’t give it to him.”
Ennis was rushing to get the words out now, wanted them to be heard and then wanted them to disappear, not hang heavy in the air where they could be seen.
“I couldn’t give it to him, couldn’t give him what he asked for, the only thing, and when he died, I swore I’d never forget him, swore I wished I’d done it different, that he’d been right, I shoulda been there…” Travis never heard the last few words.
That was it, he couldn’t say any more, and he hoped like hell that Travis wouldn’t make him sorry he’d said what he had, hoped he wouldn’t take it lightly, it would kill Ennis.
Travis had sat and silently listened as Ennis had opened up about Jack.
He had to fill in a few spaces, but he realized that the words he had just heard were probably the most difficult that Ennis had ever spoken. He had shared his secret, almost sacred, past with Travis and he knew his response could make or break Ennis.
But could he say he really understood the depth of his pain?
He wasn't sure.
He made his voice soft and tender, “Ennis, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how bad this all was for you.”
He had to be careful, so careful, he didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing, something that would make Ennis back away after he'd come so far.
Ennis sat back in his chair, ran his hands through his hair.
He wanted to relax, to let his mind and body recover from the strain he had just undergone.
He didn't say anything, so Travis, keeping his voice low and steady, continued, told him that now he had a better understanding of what had happened, and how the loss had affected Ennis.
And even though he was choosing his words carefully, he unintentionally stumbled, "Maybe now that you talked about it, you can start to get over it."
Ennis threw back the last of his drink and set the glass down, stood up to leave.
He didn't want to blame Travis for not understanding, for logically thinking that Ennis should be at a point to accept Jack's love, life and death and move on. But he couldn't help it.
How could he not see that Ennis wasn't ever going to get over it, that he didn't want to get over it.
Hadn't Travis been listening? Hadn't Ennis opened up enough to get his point across?
'Cause he didn't think he could open up any more to make Travis see, and maybe it was just as well. He'd always thought his feelings were unexplainable to anyone else, and it sure looked like he was right. What he had feared had happened, and he wished he'd kept his secrets to himself – his and Jack's secrets.
"I gotta go." He had his hand on the doorknob when Travis grabbed his arm, a questioning look on his face.
"Ennis, what the hell's wrong with you? I just want you to be happy. I want to help you get over this."
Ennis raised his voice for the first time that he could remember in years, and it fell on Travis's ears like thunder, strong, rumbling, "I'm not gonna get over it. Don't you get it? I don't wanna get over him. He'll always be there...Jesus, why are you makin' me say this? I shouldn't have tried, I shoulda kept it to myself, and just let this go. It's goin' anyway."
"Jesus Christ, give me a chance. You just told me something that you've been trying years to accept and understand, and I have to figure it out in five minutes? Maybe I don't get it, maybe you'll have to explain more...or don't if you can't...I don't know. But don't walk out on this now, not after all you've given up already."
Ennis's shoulders slumped, the fight, the desire to make Travis understand, gone out of him, and he wasn't even sure what was left.
"Come with me."
Travis walked to the back of the house, down a hallway and into a bedroom, Ennis following because he didn't know what else to do.
Travis pushed him back onto the bed, "Sit down, I'll be right back.". He got the glasses from the living room, refilled them and went back to Ennis.
"Here, drink this, you need it, you look like you've been to hell and back," but his voice was soft as he said it. He gave Ennis the glass and watched as he drank half of it down, watched as he breathed deep in and out, trying to calm himself, then as he drained the glass.
Travis took a sip, put his glass on the table by the bed, reached down and started to unbutton Ennis's shirt, and he didn't resist.
Ennis didn't think he was drunk, just bone tired from the last few days, the last few hours, the whiskey making things soft around the edges, making him receptive to the hands that were now helping him out of his shirt, boots, jeans. Travis's soft voice was murmuring words he couldn't make sense of, just sounds falling gently around him like rain.
Then hands were rubbing his neck, his shoulders, hands moving all across his back trying to relieve the strain, hands pushing him back onto the bed. He surrendered to the feelings that the voice and touch were awakening in him and pulled Jack back with him...not Jack...was it Jack?
He must be drunk, drunk on whiskey and memories, and he was in the tent on Brokeback, Jack lying next to him, kissing him for the first time, making him feel love for the first time.
No, it was Travis he held as they lay down, Travis hard against him, all the while saying soft words, soothing, comforting sounds to Ennis's bent spirit.
But did Travis understand, did he know that Jack would always be there?
Travis pulled away and sat up, took his glass from the table and drank...as Ennis opened his eyes, Travis passed him the glass, Ennis took it and sipped, leaned forward and they kissed, each tasting like the other, the kiss long, slow, lingering, their breath growing quick and shallow.
This time, for Travis, it was a mixture of love and desperation…desperation to rid their bed of Jack’s ghost, to make it just the two of them...
What time was it?
Travis opened his eyes to look at Ennis, not knowing how to explain to this simple, complex man that he would do whatever it took to help Ennis avoid any more pain, but he was met with the slow, even breathing of his sleeping lover.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1900
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Travis had given in and now Ennis had to make a fucking decision one way or the other. He guessed he had known for a while now what it was going to take to settle this whole damn thing.
He was going back to Brokeback, and he was going alone.
Ghosts were everywhere - he and Jack as they had been...laughing, talking, riding out to the sheep, sitting by the fire, in the tent, together in the tent that first night, then him surrendering to Jack, afraid at first, then loving it...
He heard Jack's voice clear, drifting back to him from so many years ago: Every fuckin' day's hard...You gonna waste your whole life just 'cause it's hard? I fuckin' give up.
Don't give up on me, Jack, you never did before.
Chapter 13
He got out of the truck and walked to the door, almost turning away before he got there. No two ways about it, he was as nervous now as he had ever been in his life, afraid to risk his heart a second time, afraid to let his private thoughts of Jack loose, afraid he might lose them if he did.
He knocked on the door, Travis answered in less than a minute.
“Ennis, what are you doing here?”
“I thought we should…maybe it’s time…do you want to…can I maybe come in and sit down for a minute?”
“Sure, sorry.”
He moved aside and Ennis stepped into the modest living room of the modest house – dusty streets and shoebox houses – shit, this was never gonna work...he already missed the freedom of Brokeback, his own personal Eden with Jack...missed even his sanctuary in the hills.
He took his hat off, felt the room closing in on him. Travis gestured to a chair, asked again, “What are you doing here?”
All the thoughts Ennis had in his mind only moments before evaporated like water on a hot iron. He tried to calm down.
“I went to Brokeback.”
That was all he could get out, but it was enough to force Travis to speak next, giving him another few seconds to collect his thoughts.
“Why? I thought we were…” It was meant as a simple question, Ennis heard it as an accusation and interrupted.
“Look, I had to get away from here, had to think things through. I got a million things goin through my mind right now.”
He was starting to hope that Travis didn’t fuck this up before he even got started. Or maybe that’s exactly what he was hoping for...then he could go away from here, back where he started, where he belonged. Was that where he wanted to be, or was it here? Fuck if he knew.
“Well, I’d be glad to help you with that if you’d like to let me in on any of them.” Travis let the sarcasm come through.
The words came to him: “It’s gonna be hard – so what? Every fuckin day’s hard.”
Ennis took a breath, “I got some things to say, so hear me out and we’ll see where we go from there.”
Travis said, “Fair enough,” then went to the kitchen and poured two glasses of whiskey, came back and gave one to Ennis, sat down.
Ennis took a long swallow, summoning his courage. “I never said these words out loud to a soul, it ain’t easy for me, but I know you deserve more than what I’m givin' you.”
“Bein' on Brokeback with Jack was the best fuckin time of my life, ‘cept for when my girls was born.”
He drank again, paused to try to get his thoughts in order.
“I can’t put no words to it – that’s why the rememberin' keeps me goin'. I went up there in ’63 with nothing and nobody…didn’t expect nothing or nobody, either. Had the next part figured out: I was gonna marry Alma, settle down, have kids, nice little nothin life.”
Even as he spoke his thoughts were going back, he couldn’t stop them, didn’t want to stop them, but he was fighting hard to get the words out, wasn’t even sure that he was able to share this with anyone.
How do you explain Jack Twist?
“Never met anybody like Jack before. Just thought he was crazy at first. But we spent time…” He stopped, looked down at the glass in his hand. Jesus.
Started up again.
“Got to know him better over the weeks, y'know, drinkin’ll make ya open up some. Started to trust him, no reason not to. One night we both got pretty drunk, I couldn’t even stand up to get in the saddle, ended up…” His voice was fading.
He looked over at Travis who had leaned back in his chair, head rested back, eyes focused on the ceiling, so he wouldn’t feel like he was prying, not wanting to make it more difficult for Ennis by looking at him as he tried to say this.
“What I’m tryin to say is a lotta things happened up there...I was different after.”
“It was like he gave me so much of my life back, I felt like I owed him everything, every time I saw him over the years it got better – for me. Saw him for 16 years, whenever we could get away – lookin' back I think that was the only thing that kept me goin' back then, knowin' I'd be seein' him, getting' back to the mountains....felt like freedom. And when he asked me for something, I couldn’t give it to him.”
Ennis was rushing to get the words out now, wanted them to be heard and then wanted them to disappear, not hang heavy in the air where they could be seen.
“I couldn’t give it to him, couldn’t give him what he asked for, the only thing, and when he died, I swore I’d never forget him, swore I wished I’d done it different, that he’d been right, I shoulda been there…” Travis never heard the last few words.
That was it, he couldn’t say any more, and he hoped like hell that Travis wouldn’t make him sorry he’d said what he had, hoped he wouldn’t take it lightly, it would kill Ennis.
Travis had sat and silently listened as Ennis had opened up about Jack.
He had to fill in a few spaces, but he realized that the words he had just heard were probably the most difficult that Ennis had ever spoken. He had shared his secret, almost sacred, past with Travis and he knew his response could make or break Ennis.
But could he say he really understood the depth of his pain?
He wasn't sure.
He made his voice soft and tender, “Ennis, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how bad this all was for you.”
He had to be careful, so careful, he didn't want to risk saying the wrong thing, something that would make Ennis back away after he'd come so far.
Ennis sat back in his chair, ran his hands through his hair.
He wanted to relax, to let his mind and body recover from the strain he had just undergone.
He didn't say anything, so Travis, keeping his voice low and steady, continued, told him that now he had a better understanding of what had happened, and how the loss had affected Ennis.
And even though he was choosing his words carefully, he unintentionally stumbled, "Maybe now that you talked about it, you can start to get over it."
Ennis threw back the last of his drink and set the glass down, stood up to leave.
He didn't want to blame Travis for not understanding, for logically thinking that Ennis should be at a point to accept Jack's love, life and death and move on. But he couldn't help it.
How could he not see that Ennis wasn't ever going to get over it, that he didn't want to get over it.
Hadn't Travis been listening? Hadn't Ennis opened up enough to get his point across?
'Cause he didn't think he could open up any more to make Travis see, and maybe it was just as well. He'd always thought his feelings were unexplainable to anyone else, and it sure looked like he was right. What he had feared had happened, and he wished he'd kept his secrets to himself – his and Jack's secrets.
"I gotta go." He had his hand on the doorknob when Travis grabbed his arm, a questioning look on his face.
"Ennis, what the hell's wrong with you? I just want you to be happy. I want to help you get over this."
Ennis raised his voice for the first time that he could remember in years, and it fell on Travis's ears like thunder, strong, rumbling, "I'm not gonna get over it. Don't you get it? I don't wanna get over him. He'll always be there...Jesus, why are you makin' me say this? I shouldn't have tried, I shoulda kept it to myself, and just let this go. It's goin' anyway."
"Jesus Christ, give me a chance. You just told me something that you've been trying years to accept and understand, and I have to figure it out in five minutes? Maybe I don't get it, maybe you'll have to explain more...or don't if you can't...I don't know. But don't walk out on this now, not after all you've given up already."
Ennis's shoulders slumped, the fight, the desire to make Travis understand, gone out of him, and he wasn't even sure what was left.
"Come with me."
Travis walked to the back of the house, down a hallway and into a bedroom, Ennis following because he didn't know what else to do.
Travis pushed him back onto the bed, "Sit down, I'll be right back.". He got the glasses from the living room, refilled them and went back to Ennis.
"Here, drink this, you need it, you look like you've been to hell and back," but his voice was soft as he said it. He gave Ennis the glass and watched as he drank half of it down, watched as he breathed deep in and out, trying to calm himself, then as he drained the glass.
Travis took a sip, put his glass on the table by the bed, reached down and started to unbutton Ennis's shirt, and he didn't resist.
Ennis didn't think he was drunk, just bone tired from the last few days, the last few hours, the whiskey making things soft around the edges, making him receptive to the hands that were now helping him out of his shirt, boots, jeans. Travis's soft voice was murmuring words he couldn't make sense of, just sounds falling gently around him like rain.
Then hands were rubbing his neck, his shoulders, hands moving all across his back trying to relieve the strain, hands pushing him back onto the bed. He surrendered to the feelings that the voice and touch were awakening in him and pulled Jack back with him...not Jack...was it Jack?
He must be drunk, drunk on whiskey and memories, and he was in the tent on Brokeback, Jack lying next to him, kissing him for the first time, making him feel love for the first time.
No, it was Travis he held as they lay down, Travis hard against him, all the while saying soft words, soothing, comforting sounds to Ennis's bent spirit.
But did Travis understand, did he know that Jack would always be there?
Travis pulled away and sat up, took his glass from the table and drank...as Ennis opened his eyes, Travis passed him the glass, Ennis took it and sipped, leaned forward and they kissed, each tasting like the other, the kiss long, slow, lingering, their breath growing quick and shallow.
This time, for Travis, it was a mixture of love and desperation…desperation to rid their bed of Jack’s ghost, to make it just the two of them...
What time was it?
Travis opened his eyes to look at Ennis, not knowing how to explain to this simple, complex man that he would do whatever it took to help Ennis avoid any more pain, but he was met with the slow, even breathing of his sleeping lover.
