All Things Considered, 24
Mar. 19th, 2012 05:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 24
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2600
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Neither one of them liked to be touched while they slept - that is, not the cuddly-curl-up-next-to-you-so-you-can't-move kind of touching.
Ennis set the keys down and walked over to him looking down, thinking, Jesus, Travis, I couldn't go through it again.
In a strange room, a strange bed, he fell asleep, arm over Travis, even though they both hated to sleep like that.
Chapter 24
Sunday
Are you sure?
What he meant, of course, was – Will you stay? Do you really want this?
Are you sure?
Travis heard all the questions that were tied into the one, and answered 'yes' to all of them when he said, “I'm sure.”
He woke an hour later, Ennis's arm still around him and as he turned, Ennis opened his eyes.
As if the question had just been asked, Travis said, “Ennis, I'm sure. I'm so damn sure. I'll stay. I'll be here.”
He put his hand on Ennis's neck and pulled him in even closer. “Don't push me away again. I'm taking a chance, too.” He kept his voice neutral, not wanting it to come across as either a threat or a plea.
Ennis nodded, said, “I know,” then moved off the bed and walked over to the door that led to the patio facing the ocean. Outside it was still misting, clouds threatened a downpour, fog swirled below, pushed by intermittent gusts of wind, blocking the shoreline from view, glimpses of the Pacific stretching on and on, bringing to his mind the vastness of Brokeback.
Travis came behind him and handed him a glass of whiskey, then walked to the fake fireplace and turned it on, sat on the sofa with his feet up on the coffee table, his own glass of courage in his hands.
Finally Ennis turned to face him and said, “There's so much shit...what if I can't do it? What if – I mean, there's so much – what if you can't do it? I don't even know how to start.”
“Look, we said we'd talk about everything, but don't worry about it all at once.” He could tell by the strain in Ennis's voice that he was thinking about it too much, making it into something to be afraid of, he felt him pulling back.
“Ennis, there are no rules here. We make the rules.”
He changed tactics.
“Could you talk to Jack about everything?”
“On Brokeback I could.”
Travis stared at him, shocked at the instant change in Ennis's voice. Jesus, what he would give to hear Ennis talk to him with that voice. It was even more than the deep, quiet voice Travis already loved...the way Ennis sounded after they made love...and sometimes before - when they took their time with each other, looked at each other, said words that mattered. But this...his voice was gentle...more than gentle...it was tender.
His reverie softened even his face, took away the tension, the pain, the anxiety that had been present only a moment before. And his voice...his memories of Jack making it tender...it almost hurt Travis to hear it. How impossibly deep were the feelings that could make Ennis's whole countenance change in an instant?
And as he went on, he seemed to put distance between himself and Travis – although that might have been Travis's imagination.
“When we first got up there, you know, it was just a job. Didn't know there'd be two of us. Figured as long as he did the work, didn't talk too much, it'd be ok.”
He smiled faintly, but not at Travis...he had turned to the ocean...his mind was already going back...his eyes stared at a point out in the fog as he saw his past...thirty five years ago...hearing Jack's voice, seeing the camp, feeling the heat of the flames, smelling the air as it was, all his senses firing.
“Started bitchin right off – about stayin' with the herd instead of in camp, how many hours he had to ride all day, how many times he had to get up at night to check for coyotes. Goddamn it, but he could complain.” It was a caress.
“Told him I'd go out there, didn't bother me...” Ennis shrugged...To himself? To Jack?
“Let him stay in camp, if that's what he wanted.“ He was no longer talking to Travis, he was talking to himself.
But the phrase “if that's what he wanted” was not lost on Travis. This was new to him. Jack's comfort, his desires, had come before Ennis's own? Travis was beginning to realize that what he was hearing was not simply a story of lost love, like his own story with Julia, though he did not make light of his loss.
This event had been life-changing for Ennis. It had changed how he reacted to the people around him, how he reacted to people who loved him...he wouldn't love after Jack...no, not wouldn't...couldn't.
For Ennis, there was only Jack.
He heard Ennis's question: What if you can't do it? But he pushed it away...he could do it. The question lingered.
“One time we was sittin' by the fire, drinkin, he asked me about my brother and sister...just told him what happened, how I ended up on Brokeback...he said it was the most I'd talked in two weeks...I remember him sayin' that...he didn't know the half of it...wasn't much of a talker...but I could talk to him...” His voice faded, ”Yeah, couldn't I fuckin' talk to Jack Twist...”
He suddenly broke off and looked at Travis, his eyes clearing as he shook off his daydream, embarrassed. But his mind registered a weight slip from him as he had put words to his memories.
The words had made them real for a minute. He'd forgotten how he and Jack talked, forgotten a lot of little every-day things that had happened between them. He got so caught up in being sad...what he had missed, what Jack had missed...that he never really looked at what they had.
“Christ, I'm sorry...I...just rememberin' Brokeback makes me...goddamn.” He rubbed his hand over his eyes, not sure if he was trying to clear his mind, or bring more to the surface.
“It's ok. Come here,” Travis was shaken by the sheer emotion he had just witnessed, but tried to hide it. Ennis slowly walked over, sat down across from him and took a swallow from his glass. Memories were swarming him, flying all around him, but it was different...he wanted to see them, not avoid them.
“Remember that time at your house...what I told you about Jack? That was just the tip of the iceberg. Just now, talking about it, putting words to it, made it real. I forgot how much...”
Everything seemed mixed up...he didn't feel sad...this was the first time he'd ever had thoughts of him and Jack on Brokeback where it didn't tear him up...
“Let's get outta this room. It's still raining, can we just take the truck and drive somewhere?”
Ennis grabbed the keys and they walked out the door, then he tossed the keys to Travis and said, “You drive.” and climbed into the passenger side of the Hummer.
Travis drove down Route 1, slowing down on the curves - and the whole damn thing was curves - because of the slick road. They were silent, but Ennis nervously drummed his fingers on the door panel and kept shifting around in the seat. Travis pulled off the road at the first vista point they came to, the vista virtually obliterated by the low clouds and fog, the parking lot deserted for the same reasons.
He shut off the engine and the only sounds were of the engine ticking down and rain tapping on the metal roof. It covered the windshield with tiny running rivers that distorted the view, reducing it to a swirling slash of gray.
“This is as bad as bein' in the room.” Ennis said as he looked across the small gap that separated them. “Just thought we could get outside for a while...damn rain.”
“Ennis, you did some talking back there..more than talking. You all right?”
“What do you mean, more than talkin?”
“It sounded like you figured something out, like this time was different.”
Ennis turned in his seat, leaning back against the door facing Travis...he seemed less agitated, like he was forcing himself to calm down.
“It was different. Usually don't talk about him...he just shows up...I mean, I'll have a dream or somethin' will set me off...get me thinkin' about it. But when you asked me that question – could I talk to him – a whole piece of that time just came back to me, clear as anything. But it was a good memory, like you said you have. First time I thought about Jack – about that time – without...” he struggled to define what had happened, “...without wantin' to run away from it or get drunk and forget everything. This time I remembered something and it felt good.”
Travis could see that Ennis was elated, in his way, at the concept of being able to remember Jack, the idea that his memories could actually be soothing, worth remembering, that they could bring him joy. He could also see that if they went too fast Ennis would be overwhelmed with all these “good memories”, could risk crippling sadness if he tried to confront everything at once.
“We have to go slow, Ennis. Your memory is full of everything you and Jack had, but you can't look at it all at once, it would be too much, too sad.”
Ennis was starting to get restless again, moving around on the seat now with nervous energy...Travis didn't think he was getting through to him.
Ennis reached for the door handle, “I gotta...I can't sit here any more.”
Travis was able to talk him out of going out into the cold drizzle...convinced him they should head back, maybe stop for something to eat on the way. Since he wanted Ennis to relax, Travis passed a few upscale-looking restaurants, finally pulling into the parking lot of a small bar called Buddy's By The Sea. They walked into the dimly lit taproom and glanced around for a waitress, who waved a hand indicating she would be right there. They chose a table against the wall near the back and ordered beer and burgers.
Ennis wanted to talk – a first.
“You shoulda seen the horse he picked when we first got up there. Buckskin mare. If that horse was even green-broke I'd be surprised. Could tell right off Jack didn't care if she was broke or not, he had her straightened out before we started up, in a couple days she was eating outta his hand. He was pretty good with horses, but could he hit the broad side of a barn? Not even close. We took turns target shootin', never beat me once.”
Travis was trying to think of a way to steer the conversation away from Jack, he knew Ennis was going too fast. But they spent over an hour in that bar and when they left, Ennis was only up to the second morning on Brokeback. As they drove back to the lodge, Travis decided maybe a few drinks would slow Ennis down. He felt he would need more than one, himself, if only for self-preservation against an onslaught of tales of Jack Twist.
When they got back to the room, Ennis was still restless so Travis poured them both whiskey and put Shawshank Redemption in the VCR, trying to get Ennis to focus on something other than Jack.
“Ennis, we have the rest of the week to do this. Get your mind off it for now. I’m gonna take a shower; watch the beginning of this movie and tell me what I missed when I get back.” A lame attempt to give him something on which to concentrate.
Twenty minutes later he came out of the bathroom; Ennis had refilled his glass, he was stretched out and looked relaxed on the sofa, intently watching the movie. Travis started to speak, but Ennis held up his hand for silence. Looked like the movie idea had worked. He waited for a scene to end then hit the pause button.
“Good movie?”
“Guy goes to jail for killin' his wife and her boyfriend. Pretty inner-esting.”
He sat up and handed Travis's glass to him then said, “Lay down here so you can see, and start it again.”
Travis turned off the lamp in the room and pushed the play button, but sat on the opposite sofa, looking at Ennis as he immersed himself in the movie again. At least it would get him to unwind and think about something else. Travis sipped his drink, leaned forward and put it on the coffee table and stretched out on the couch. Ennis looked over and smiled then turned his attention to the movie once more.
Travis looked blankly at the TV, his thoughts far from Shawshank. He was tired. He wanted Ennis to be happy...was glad that their first talk had gone well...he hoped that Ennis wouldn't be hurt too much...but Travis would be there for him, he'd get him through it...they'd both get through it all right.
He closed his eyes, half-listening to the movie, the newly-convicted banker talking to Red, the lifer, both sent to Shawshank for the crime of murder:
Hello. I'm Andy Dufresne.
The wife-killin' banker.
How do you know that?
I keep my ear to the ground. Why'd you do it?
I didn't, since you ask.
Hell, you'll fit right in, then. Everyone's innocent in here, don't you know that? Heywood! What are you in for, boy?
Didn't do it! Lawyer fucked me!
See?
Ennis had planned on drinking and falling asleep in front of the TV like Travis had done, but there was something different about this movie, something honest and brutal, that drew him in.
It was difficult for him to watch the prison rape scene, he shifted uneasily, moving his eyes from the screen and back, and listened to the narrator, Red:
I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairy tale world.
He watched the movie as Travis slept across from him. He stopped it three different times, and rewound the tape to replay words that struck a chord, none so much as the final one:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies...
He shut the movie off and lay in the dark, the room lit by the fire, and thought about what he'd just seen. He felt like he'd been in a kind of prison, a prison that he'd built by himself, a stone at a time, layering them up higher every year that went by.
Christ, a damn movie...Had he really wasted so many years of his life...denied himself anything that could make him happy...Jesus, he'd pushed Travis away...how could he not see what he had with Travis? How had he not seen until now that Travis was so like Jack? Maybe that was part of the problem.
He closed his eyes and rested his head back as he thought of Jack. He'd always have his memories, could bring Jack to mind whenever he wanted to...and if he could think back on that time and remember things in a good way, like he did earlier today...like Travis said he could…
He lay in the dark for a long time and when he rose, his mind was made up.
He moved to the sofa where Travis was sleeping and looked at him thinking I'm sorry I put you through all this. What you said is right...I can remember Jack, really remember him...maybe even be happy.
Then he woke him, and tried to put his thoughts into words.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2600
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Neither one of them liked to be touched while they slept - that is, not the cuddly-curl-up-next-to-you-so-you-can't-move kind of touching.
Ennis set the keys down and walked over to him looking down, thinking, Jesus, Travis, I couldn't go through it again.
In a strange room, a strange bed, he fell asleep, arm over Travis, even though they both hated to sleep like that.
Chapter 24
Sunday
Are you sure?
What he meant, of course, was – Will you stay? Do you really want this?
Are you sure?
Travis heard all the questions that were tied into the one, and answered 'yes' to all of them when he said, “I'm sure.”
He woke an hour later, Ennis's arm still around him and as he turned, Ennis opened his eyes.
As if the question had just been asked, Travis said, “Ennis, I'm sure. I'm so damn sure. I'll stay. I'll be here.”
He put his hand on Ennis's neck and pulled him in even closer. “Don't push me away again. I'm taking a chance, too.” He kept his voice neutral, not wanting it to come across as either a threat or a plea.
Ennis nodded, said, “I know,” then moved off the bed and walked over to the door that led to the patio facing the ocean. Outside it was still misting, clouds threatened a downpour, fog swirled below, pushed by intermittent gusts of wind, blocking the shoreline from view, glimpses of the Pacific stretching on and on, bringing to his mind the vastness of Brokeback.
Travis came behind him and handed him a glass of whiskey, then walked to the fake fireplace and turned it on, sat on the sofa with his feet up on the coffee table, his own glass of courage in his hands.
Finally Ennis turned to face him and said, “There's so much shit...what if I can't do it? What if – I mean, there's so much – what if you can't do it? I don't even know how to start.”
“Look, we said we'd talk about everything, but don't worry about it all at once.” He could tell by the strain in Ennis's voice that he was thinking about it too much, making it into something to be afraid of, he felt him pulling back.
“Ennis, there are no rules here. We make the rules.”
He changed tactics.
“Could you talk to Jack about everything?”
“On Brokeback I could.”
Travis stared at him, shocked at the instant change in Ennis's voice. Jesus, what he would give to hear Ennis talk to him with that voice. It was even more than the deep, quiet voice Travis already loved...the way Ennis sounded after they made love...and sometimes before - when they took their time with each other, looked at each other, said words that mattered. But this...his voice was gentle...more than gentle...it was tender.
His reverie softened even his face, took away the tension, the pain, the anxiety that had been present only a moment before. And his voice...his memories of Jack making it tender...it almost hurt Travis to hear it. How impossibly deep were the feelings that could make Ennis's whole countenance change in an instant?
And as he went on, he seemed to put distance between himself and Travis – although that might have been Travis's imagination.
“When we first got up there, you know, it was just a job. Didn't know there'd be two of us. Figured as long as he did the work, didn't talk too much, it'd be ok.”
He smiled faintly, but not at Travis...he had turned to the ocean...his mind was already going back...his eyes stared at a point out in the fog as he saw his past...thirty five years ago...hearing Jack's voice, seeing the camp, feeling the heat of the flames, smelling the air as it was, all his senses firing.
“Started bitchin right off – about stayin' with the herd instead of in camp, how many hours he had to ride all day, how many times he had to get up at night to check for coyotes. Goddamn it, but he could complain.” It was a caress.
“Told him I'd go out there, didn't bother me...” Ennis shrugged...To himself? To Jack?
“Let him stay in camp, if that's what he wanted.“ He was no longer talking to Travis, he was talking to himself.
But the phrase “if that's what he wanted” was not lost on Travis. This was new to him. Jack's comfort, his desires, had come before Ennis's own? Travis was beginning to realize that what he was hearing was not simply a story of lost love, like his own story with Julia, though he did not make light of his loss.
This event had been life-changing for Ennis. It had changed how he reacted to the people around him, how he reacted to people who loved him...he wouldn't love after Jack...no, not wouldn't...couldn't.
For Ennis, there was only Jack.
He heard Ennis's question: What if you can't do it? But he pushed it away...he could do it. The question lingered.
“One time we was sittin' by the fire, drinkin, he asked me about my brother and sister...just told him what happened, how I ended up on Brokeback...he said it was the most I'd talked in two weeks...I remember him sayin' that...he didn't know the half of it...wasn't much of a talker...but I could talk to him...” His voice faded, ”Yeah, couldn't I fuckin' talk to Jack Twist...”
He suddenly broke off and looked at Travis, his eyes clearing as he shook off his daydream, embarrassed. But his mind registered a weight slip from him as he had put words to his memories.
The words had made them real for a minute. He'd forgotten how he and Jack talked, forgotten a lot of little every-day things that had happened between them. He got so caught up in being sad...what he had missed, what Jack had missed...that he never really looked at what they had.
“Christ, I'm sorry...I...just rememberin' Brokeback makes me...goddamn.” He rubbed his hand over his eyes, not sure if he was trying to clear his mind, or bring more to the surface.
“It's ok. Come here,” Travis was shaken by the sheer emotion he had just witnessed, but tried to hide it. Ennis slowly walked over, sat down across from him and took a swallow from his glass. Memories were swarming him, flying all around him, but it was different...he wanted to see them, not avoid them.
“Remember that time at your house...what I told you about Jack? That was just the tip of the iceberg. Just now, talking about it, putting words to it, made it real. I forgot how much...”
Everything seemed mixed up...he didn't feel sad...this was the first time he'd ever had thoughts of him and Jack on Brokeback where it didn't tear him up...
“Let's get outta this room. It's still raining, can we just take the truck and drive somewhere?”
Ennis grabbed the keys and they walked out the door, then he tossed the keys to Travis and said, “You drive.” and climbed into the passenger side of the Hummer.
Travis drove down Route 1, slowing down on the curves - and the whole damn thing was curves - because of the slick road. They were silent, but Ennis nervously drummed his fingers on the door panel and kept shifting around in the seat. Travis pulled off the road at the first vista point they came to, the vista virtually obliterated by the low clouds and fog, the parking lot deserted for the same reasons.
He shut off the engine and the only sounds were of the engine ticking down and rain tapping on the metal roof. It covered the windshield with tiny running rivers that distorted the view, reducing it to a swirling slash of gray.
“This is as bad as bein' in the room.” Ennis said as he looked across the small gap that separated them. “Just thought we could get outside for a while...damn rain.”
“Ennis, you did some talking back there..more than talking. You all right?”
“What do you mean, more than talkin?”
“It sounded like you figured something out, like this time was different.”
Ennis turned in his seat, leaning back against the door facing Travis...he seemed less agitated, like he was forcing himself to calm down.
“It was different. Usually don't talk about him...he just shows up...I mean, I'll have a dream or somethin' will set me off...get me thinkin' about it. But when you asked me that question – could I talk to him – a whole piece of that time just came back to me, clear as anything. But it was a good memory, like you said you have. First time I thought about Jack – about that time – without...” he struggled to define what had happened, “...without wantin' to run away from it or get drunk and forget everything. This time I remembered something and it felt good.”
Travis could see that Ennis was elated, in his way, at the concept of being able to remember Jack, the idea that his memories could actually be soothing, worth remembering, that they could bring him joy. He could also see that if they went too fast Ennis would be overwhelmed with all these “good memories”, could risk crippling sadness if he tried to confront everything at once.
“We have to go slow, Ennis. Your memory is full of everything you and Jack had, but you can't look at it all at once, it would be too much, too sad.”
Ennis was starting to get restless again, moving around on the seat now with nervous energy...Travis didn't think he was getting through to him.
Ennis reached for the door handle, “I gotta...I can't sit here any more.”
Travis was able to talk him out of going out into the cold drizzle...convinced him they should head back, maybe stop for something to eat on the way. Since he wanted Ennis to relax, Travis passed a few upscale-looking restaurants, finally pulling into the parking lot of a small bar called Buddy's By The Sea. They walked into the dimly lit taproom and glanced around for a waitress, who waved a hand indicating she would be right there. They chose a table against the wall near the back and ordered beer and burgers.
Ennis wanted to talk – a first.
“You shoulda seen the horse he picked when we first got up there. Buckskin mare. If that horse was even green-broke I'd be surprised. Could tell right off Jack didn't care if she was broke or not, he had her straightened out before we started up, in a couple days she was eating outta his hand. He was pretty good with horses, but could he hit the broad side of a barn? Not even close. We took turns target shootin', never beat me once.”
Travis was trying to think of a way to steer the conversation away from Jack, he knew Ennis was going too fast. But they spent over an hour in that bar and when they left, Ennis was only up to the second morning on Brokeback. As they drove back to the lodge, Travis decided maybe a few drinks would slow Ennis down. He felt he would need more than one, himself, if only for self-preservation against an onslaught of tales of Jack Twist.
When they got back to the room, Ennis was still restless so Travis poured them both whiskey and put Shawshank Redemption in the VCR, trying to get Ennis to focus on something other than Jack.
“Ennis, we have the rest of the week to do this. Get your mind off it for now. I’m gonna take a shower; watch the beginning of this movie and tell me what I missed when I get back.” A lame attempt to give him something on which to concentrate.
Twenty minutes later he came out of the bathroom; Ennis had refilled his glass, he was stretched out and looked relaxed on the sofa, intently watching the movie. Travis started to speak, but Ennis held up his hand for silence. Looked like the movie idea had worked. He waited for a scene to end then hit the pause button.
“Good movie?”
“Guy goes to jail for killin' his wife and her boyfriend. Pretty inner-esting.”
He sat up and handed Travis's glass to him then said, “Lay down here so you can see, and start it again.”
Travis turned off the lamp in the room and pushed the play button, but sat on the opposite sofa, looking at Ennis as he immersed himself in the movie again. At least it would get him to unwind and think about something else. Travis sipped his drink, leaned forward and put it on the coffee table and stretched out on the couch. Ennis looked over and smiled then turned his attention to the movie once more.
Travis looked blankly at the TV, his thoughts far from Shawshank. He was tired. He wanted Ennis to be happy...was glad that their first talk had gone well...he hoped that Ennis wouldn't be hurt too much...but Travis would be there for him, he'd get him through it...they'd both get through it all right.
He closed his eyes, half-listening to the movie, the newly-convicted banker talking to Red, the lifer, both sent to Shawshank for the crime of murder:
Hello. I'm Andy Dufresne.
The wife-killin' banker.
How do you know that?
I keep my ear to the ground. Why'd you do it?
I didn't, since you ask.
Hell, you'll fit right in, then. Everyone's innocent in here, don't you know that? Heywood! What are you in for, boy?
Didn't do it! Lawyer fucked me!
See?
Ennis had planned on drinking and falling asleep in front of the TV like Travis had done, but there was something different about this movie, something honest and brutal, that drew him in.
It was difficult for him to watch the prison rape scene, he shifted uneasily, moving his eyes from the screen and back, and listened to the narrator, Red:
I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no fairy tale world.
He watched the movie as Travis slept across from him. He stopped it three different times, and rewound the tape to replay words that struck a chord, none so much as the final one:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies...
He shut the movie off and lay in the dark, the room lit by the fire, and thought about what he'd just seen. He felt like he'd been in a kind of prison, a prison that he'd built by himself, a stone at a time, layering them up higher every year that went by.
Christ, a damn movie...Had he really wasted so many years of his life...denied himself anything that could make him happy...Jesus, he'd pushed Travis away...how could he not see what he had with Travis? How had he not seen until now that Travis was so like Jack? Maybe that was part of the problem.
He closed his eyes and rested his head back as he thought of Jack. He'd always have his memories, could bring Jack to mind whenever he wanted to...and if he could think back on that time and remember things in a good way, like he did earlier today...like Travis said he could…
He lay in the dark for a long time and when he rose, his mind was made up.
He moved to the sofa where Travis was sleeping and looked at him thinking I'm sorry I put you through all this. What you said is right...I can remember Jack, really remember him...maybe even be happy.
Then he woke him, and tried to put his thoughts into words.
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Date: 2012-03-20 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-20 12:17 pm (UTC)yes, you are true to ennis, you show him as he is, with all his inner struggle and fighting, never over anything, always guilty..
moving on ennis might have upset people, i understand that, but with a time distance we can all see that this is how we would have wished for ennis to be, to have good memories of his love for jack but be able to open to his life, a better life..
thank you, a great great story.