All Things Considered, 33
Apr. 5th, 2012 10:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 33
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: mo!ennis
Word count: 1400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
This is about Ennis moving on. Ennis with a man other than Jack. Ennis in a loving relationship, but not with Jack…with someone else.
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis's dreams of Jack seemed to be fewer but more intense when they did come, but Travis's patience was paying off.
As they had decided in California, they didn't talk about Jack any more, but that didn't mean that Ennis didn't think of him.
He turned to look at Travis, his face wet, eyes full of pain, “Jesus, Travis...am i starting to forget him?”
All Things Considered, 33
Travis reached for him then, pulled him back down, Ennis facing away, and held him close. He hated to see Ennis in so much pain – and he wondered, for both their sakes, if they would really have to live with this always in their lives.
They had made so much progress...the ranch had given them both so much to do and to think about that Ennis really hadn't had the time, or, Travis wanted to think, the inclination, to dwell on the past.
But dreams...neither one of them could do anything about them. Travis could only be there and try to reassure him and, as hard as it was for Travis to see him like this...waking in such grief over another man...he wanted to show Ennis that he was as good as his word...show him that he'd be there no matter what. That's what he'd told him...it was what he had agreed to do...he just wished...
Travis had noticed changes in how Ennis reacted to his grief...tonight he hadn't pulled away or left their bed to try to fight it alone. Over the past few months he'd leaned on Travis more...Travis rarely felt the specter of Jack in the room, or in their bed.
Ennis seemed to be moving forward...and Travis loved him so much that he would deal with these occasional bouts of sorrow, because Ennis always came back to him, and Ennis was what he needed.
This one had really fucked with Ennis's mind. He knew the dream had been about Jack, but as he opened his eyes, everything faded to black and he was left with nothing. It was happening more and more often...
He lay in bed with Travis's arms around him and tiredly thought about it. Two things were certain: he knew that he would never forget Jack. And he knew he could never do what Travis was doing.
He felt like he was stealing something from Travis, and he didn't like the feeling. Wrapped in his arms in the quiet dark, he was struck by the range of emotions going through his mind...and though he wasn't good at analyzing his feelings, he did recognize that with Travis he felt loved and secure and understood...and he felt the guilt that came along with those lovely things.
In a way, he didn't mind the guilt...felt he should feel guilty...because he had committed himself to Travis as he had never been able to commit to Jack. But he was still taking...he didn't feel as if he were giving much back. If their situations were reversed, Ennis was sure he'd never be able to accept knowing that Travis was thinking, dreaming about another man, a past lover.
He brought his hand up to touch Travis's arm that was holding him so close...trying to block out the fact that his dreams of Jack were fading...wanting to give more of himself to Travis...wanting to keep more of himself for Jack...it was the same old shit.
Can you love two people?
Love both because of their differences to each other...because of their similarities? Love both because each fills a separate and equal void in you? He wanted the answers to these questions but of course he didn't know how to ask for them.
“Travis.”
“What?”
“I'm sorry...I can't help the damn dreams...” He was sorry, and his voice reflected that.
“I know you can't.”
“Why isn't it like this for you when you dream about your wife?”
“It's just different...we had more together than you and he did...I got to be with her, I knew her...it was real...I didn't have to imagine. And when she died, at least I could look back on us together...on me and her. I can only tell you what I think, from listening to you talk about it”
He pulled Ennis closer, in case what he was about to say made him want to back away, and his voice softened, “What you and Jack had was a perfect summer...you look back and all you see is the two of you on that mountain...after it was over, you couldn't go back, and you couldn't go forward. And then when he died, he took it all with him...and you want the fantasy back...the perfect time up there.”
But Ennis didn't pull away, he turned in Travis's arms and settled against his chest, listening, wanting to hear more, wanting Travis to explain it to him so he could understand what he hadn't understood all these years.
For years his thoughts and dreams of Jack were all he had in his life that mattered, it was what he had looked forward to, reliving that time...and since knowing Travis, Ennis felt trapped in that world, but fought it hard, not wanting to admit that maybe he wanted out of that universe...and that's why it took so long for his feelings for Travis to come to the surface; but now he'd gotten a taste of something he had missed for so long...the touch of someone who loved him...and he was finally giving in to it.
The longer he and Travis were together, the more Ennis's feelings for him grew. When he dreamed of Jack and woke in pain from missing him, it seemed now to underscore the fear he had of giving more to Travis, and even as he acknowledged to himself that what he felt was love, the thought of losing Travis as he'd lost Jack was something he had feared from the beginning, though he had never been able to voice that fear...maybe he was really only recognizing it now.
His thoughts went back over the past 3 years...everything Travis had done for him...and even now with the ranch, something that he never dreamed he would have...all the times he had put up with Ennis leaving him...Travis giving, Ennis taking...it was time for Ennis to face up to things.
“I'm startin to figure out that there's more to all this than Jack.” He raised up on his elbow and looked down at Travis.
“I mean, I guess I had it figured out for a while, just couldn't face it...I didn't know how to say it.” It wasn't any easier to talk about his feelings, maybe he was pulling strength from Travis.
“It's not just Jack...”
Travis looked up at him and waited for him to continue, a questioning look on his face, not knowing what was coming.
“I mean...it's you, too...” Then the words rushed out, “All this time I guess I was afraid you'd leave, I didn't know if you'd be able to stay with all this shit I was fightin...and then, when you said you would...when you said that in California, that you'd be there, I finally started to think that maybe this could work, but there was still something I couldn't shake...Christ almighty...” His voice trailed off and he laid back down again.
“It was you...if something happened to you...I know it's selfish...shit, even I know that...but I was afraid to...in case somethin happened...I might lose you like I lost Jack.”
Talking like this was only possible because it was Travis he was talking to...it was Travis holding him. But saying it out loud made it real for both of them, he couldn't retract his words...nor did he want to.
Travis was at first touched by the depth of feeling he heard in Ennis's voice...quickly followed by the realization of what the words meant...he'd waited a long time to hear those words...even if they were sort of lost in a torrent of Ennis's stop-and-start way of talking.
“Ennis, nothing's gonna happen...but even if it did...”, he decided he'd better stick with the “nothing was going to happen” scenario. “Let's just take things as they come to us...at least we'll be together.”
“Yeah, I know, but what if...”
“Ennis...what if you shut me out and we both lose this? What if I had walked away because of all the shit you still carry around about Jack? Or what if we stay together...what if we're happy? There's always something you can think of that would make it easier to let this go than it is to stay. But think about it...we're fuckin happy, Ennis. Well, I am. And I thought you were...at least you give a pretty good imitation most of the time.”
“Yeah, well, I am...most of the time.”
Travis rolled over and stretched against Ennis's body, “Prove it...”
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: mo!ennis
Word count: 1400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
This is about Ennis moving on. Ennis with a man other than Jack. Ennis in a loving relationship, but not with Jack…with someone else.
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis's dreams of Jack seemed to be fewer but more intense when they did come, but Travis's patience was paying off.
As they had decided in California, they didn't talk about Jack any more, but that didn't mean that Ennis didn't think of him.
He turned to look at Travis, his face wet, eyes full of pain, “Jesus, Travis...am i starting to forget him?”
All Things Considered, 33
Travis reached for him then, pulled him back down, Ennis facing away, and held him close. He hated to see Ennis in so much pain – and he wondered, for both their sakes, if they would really have to live with this always in their lives.
They had made so much progress...the ranch had given them both so much to do and to think about that Ennis really hadn't had the time, or, Travis wanted to think, the inclination, to dwell on the past.
But dreams...neither one of them could do anything about them. Travis could only be there and try to reassure him and, as hard as it was for Travis to see him like this...waking in such grief over another man...he wanted to show Ennis that he was as good as his word...show him that he'd be there no matter what. That's what he'd told him...it was what he had agreed to do...he just wished...
Travis had noticed changes in how Ennis reacted to his grief...tonight he hadn't pulled away or left their bed to try to fight it alone. Over the past few months he'd leaned on Travis more...Travis rarely felt the specter of Jack in the room, or in their bed.
Ennis seemed to be moving forward...and Travis loved him so much that he would deal with these occasional bouts of sorrow, because Ennis always came back to him, and Ennis was what he needed.
This one had really fucked with Ennis's mind. He knew the dream had been about Jack, but as he opened his eyes, everything faded to black and he was left with nothing. It was happening more and more often...
He lay in bed with Travis's arms around him and tiredly thought about it. Two things were certain: he knew that he would never forget Jack. And he knew he could never do what Travis was doing.
He felt like he was stealing something from Travis, and he didn't like the feeling. Wrapped in his arms in the quiet dark, he was struck by the range of emotions going through his mind...and though he wasn't good at analyzing his feelings, he did recognize that with Travis he felt loved and secure and understood...and he felt the guilt that came along with those lovely things.
In a way, he didn't mind the guilt...felt he should feel guilty...because he had committed himself to Travis as he had never been able to commit to Jack. But he was still taking...he didn't feel as if he were giving much back. If their situations were reversed, Ennis was sure he'd never be able to accept knowing that Travis was thinking, dreaming about another man, a past lover.
He brought his hand up to touch Travis's arm that was holding him so close...trying to block out the fact that his dreams of Jack were fading...wanting to give more of himself to Travis...wanting to keep more of himself for Jack...it was the same old shit.
Can you love two people?
Love both because of their differences to each other...because of their similarities? Love both because each fills a separate and equal void in you? He wanted the answers to these questions but of course he didn't know how to ask for them.
“Travis.”
“What?”
“I'm sorry...I can't help the damn dreams...” He was sorry, and his voice reflected that.
“I know you can't.”
“Why isn't it like this for you when you dream about your wife?”
“It's just different...we had more together than you and he did...I got to be with her, I knew her...it was real...I didn't have to imagine. And when she died, at least I could look back on us together...on me and her. I can only tell you what I think, from listening to you talk about it”
He pulled Ennis closer, in case what he was about to say made him want to back away, and his voice softened, “What you and Jack had was a perfect summer...you look back and all you see is the two of you on that mountain...after it was over, you couldn't go back, and you couldn't go forward. And then when he died, he took it all with him...and you want the fantasy back...the perfect time up there.”
But Ennis didn't pull away, he turned in Travis's arms and settled against his chest, listening, wanting to hear more, wanting Travis to explain it to him so he could understand what he hadn't understood all these years.
For years his thoughts and dreams of Jack were all he had in his life that mattered, it was what he had looked forward to, reliving that time...and since knowing Travis, Ennis felt trapped in that world, but fought it hard, not wanting to admit that maybe he wanted out of that universe...and that's why it took so long for his feelings for Travis to come to the surface; but now he'd gotten a taste of something he had missed for so long...the touch of someone who loved him...and he was finally giving in to it.
The longer he and Travis were together, the more Ennis's feelings for him grew. When he dreamed of Jack and woke in pain from missing him, it seemed now to underscore the fear he had of giving more to Travis, and even as he acknowledged to himself that what he felt was love, the thought of losing Travis as he'd lost Jack was something he had feared from the beginning, though he had never been able to voice that fear...maybe he was really only recognizing it now.
His thoughts went back over the past 3 years...everything Travis had done for him...and even now with the ranch, something that he never dreamed he would have...all the times he had put up with Ennis leaving him...Travis giving, Ennis taking...it was time for Ennis to face up to things.
“I'm startin to figure out that there's more to all this than Jack.” He raised up on his elbow and looked down at Travis.
“I mean, I guess I had it figured out for a while, just couldn't face it...I didn't know how to say it.” It wasn't any easier to talk about his feelings, maybe he was pulling strength from Travis.
“It's not just Jack...”
Travis looked up at him and waited for him to continue, a questioning look on his face, not knowing what was coming.
“I mean...it's you, too...” Then the words rushed out, “All this time I guess I was afraid you'd leave, I didn't know if you'd be able to stay with all this shit I was fightin...and then, when you said you would...when you said that in California, that you'd be there, I finally started to think that maybe this could work, but there was still something I couldn't shake...Christ almighty...” His voice trailed off and he laid back down again.
“It was you...if something happened to you...I know it's selfish...shit, even I know that...but I was afraid to...in case somethin happened...I might lose you like I lost Jack.”
Talking like this was only possible because it was Travis he was talking to...it was Travis holding him. But saying it out loud made it real for both of them, he couldn't retract his words...nor did he want to.
Travis was at first touched by the depth of feeling he heard in Ennis's voice...quickly followed by the realization of what the words meant...he'd waited a long time to hear those words...even if they were sort of lost in a torrent of Ennis's stop-and-start way of talking.
“Ennis, nothing's gonna happen...but even if it did...”, he decided he'd better stick with the “nothing was going to happen” scenario. “Let's just take things as they come to us...at least we'll be together.”
“Yeah, I know, but what if...”
“Ennis...what if you shut me out and we both lose this? What if I had walked away because of all the shit you still carry around about Jack? Or what if we stay together...what if we're happy? There's always something you can think of that would make it easier to let this go than it is to stay. But think about it...we're fuckin happy, Ennis. Well, I am. And I thought you were...at least you give a pretty good imitation most of the time.”
“Yeah, well, I am...most of the time.”
Travis rolled over and stretched against Ennis's body, “Prove it...”
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Date: 2012-04-05 07:04 pm (UTC)