morrobay1990 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morrobay1990) wrote2011-05-01 09:05 am
morrobay1990) wrote2011-05-01 09:05 am
Entry tags:
Staying In Signal, 1-5 (Repost)
Title: Staying In Signal, 1-5
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: au
Warning:
Word count: 5900
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's
♥ Jack
I cleaned up my journal and deleted some old stuff, but got a lot of emails asking for the beginning chapters of Staying In Signal...I re-edited it a little and the spacing is off but here it is...and sorry about that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Jack seemed fair enough with his curly hair and quick laugh, but for a small man he carried some weight in the haunch and his smile disclosed buckteeth...
Ennis, high-arched nose and narrow face, was scruffy and a little cave-chested...
Tuesday August 20, 1963
“Let's not go back yet.”
“What do you mean?” It was like Jack had read Ennis's mind. He wasn't ready to leave Brokeback yet, not ready to leave Jack, but he didn't know how to say that out loud.
It had snowed the week before, six inches of soft, wet flakes that melted the same day. Aguirre had sent up word to bring the sheep down, and they were leaving Brokeback tomorrow.
Ennis was lying in Jack's arms, both of them on a blanket that had seen better days, outside the tent, the brilliance of the half moon and scattering of stars on the ink-black canopy above was completely lost on them as their hands roamed lazily on each other.
“Let's stay in Signal til we're supposed to be back. He's lettin' us go a month early; I was gonna go to Lightning Flat, but my old man don't know or care, your girlfriend don't know.”
“Fuck, no...we couldn't stay in Signal, too many people. Besides what are we supposed to do for money, we're already out a months wages.”
“I got a little extra with me, not much, but if we can get somethin' on a ranch it'd be enough for a place and food.”
Jack took Ennis's silence for a possible “yes”, and kept talking but not pushing...slowly moving his hand over Ennis's arm, trying to get him to relax and think about it.
“Ennis, I think we could do it. There's a ranch right outside Signal, I saw it comin' in, they could probably use a couple guys this time of year.”
Ennis was thinking, trying to weigh possible problems against spending more time, a whole fucking month, with Jack. Alma really wasn't expecting him til the first week of October. He might have some explaining to do in regards to money - if he was short getting paid and used some of his money for a place to stay – but if they worked, he could make it up.
“Yeah, maybe we could at that. You think that ranch would hire both of us?”
“Worth a try.” Jack was holding his breath waiting for an answer, he sure wasn't ready to let Ennis go so soon.
“I don't know, what if they ain't hirin? We'll be fucked.”
“Well, hell, boy, that's the idea.”
Jack looked down at Ennis, sly smile on his face, and Ennis figured right then it was worth it. Why the hell not? He might as well enjoy what time he had with Jack while he could. Not that he didn't want to marry Alma, but he didn't want to leave Jack yet...not yet.
“I'm only gonna need you guys for a week, maybe ten days. I need the cattle rounded up, brought in for sorting, then onto the trucks and the other herds moved to better grazing.”
Ennis looked away, out over the fields, but Jack said, “Yes, sir, we can do that.”
“Where you stayin'?”
Jack spoke up, “Well, sir, we just now got into town, don't quite have a place yet.”
“There's a bunkhouse out behind the barn, you can stay there...least you'll be here every day. Start at sun-up.”
They grabbed their stuff from Jack's truck and took off to find the bunkhouse. The ranch was small, maybe two hundred head, and enough acreage to grow hay and straw to feed and bed the herd.
They came around the side of the barn and saw where they'd be living for the next ten days.
“Shit, he's got a be kiddin' – good thing he ain't takin' money out of our wages for this shithole.” Ennis pushed on the door and walked into a tiny room with two beds, a chair, a rickety table, and a little wood stove in the corner. Two small dirty windows let in the only light. “The goddamn tent was better than this.”
Jack said, “Ain't so bad, got a roof, won't be sleepin' on the ground.” But he groaned as he sat on one of the rock-hard mattresses.
“I'm fuckin' starvin'. What're we gonna do for food tonight?” Jack went over to the stove in the corner, opened the rusty door and saw it was full of ashes from the last fire.
“Well, I kinda stole some of your favorite canned goods from Aguirre. Got a couple cans of beans and wrapped up the last of that elk, too. Least we can eat tonight.”
“You are a genius, Del Mar. Might just keep you around for a while.” He walked over the bed where Ennis had stretched out, knelt on the floor and ran the back of his fingers up along Ennis's face, leaned in and kissed him. “I am so fuckin' glad...Christ, I'm just so glad we're doin' this. I didn't want this fuckin' summer to end.” Ennis reached his arm up and grabbed the back of Jack's head and pulled him down, at the same time yanking on his zipper.
Ennis's nineteen year old brain was obsessed with sex with Jack. If he had tried to remember what occupied his mind before he came to Brokeback he would've come up with the usual: getting a job, eating, where he would live.
As the time of leaving Brokeback grew closer, it was all he could do to put in his time during the day and get his work done...always thinking of getting back to camp as soon as he could, and what would be waiting for him there.
His obsession had already been the center of more than one fight – Ennis sullen and with hurt feelings when he'd wanted Jack again not a half hour after they'd just fucked – and he took it personally when in reality it was only Jack's own nineteen year old body, sated and sleepy, that didn't respond.
Being on Brokeback gave Ennis a sense of freedom he'd never felt before. His most basic needs - food, shelter, work – were taken care of, which left him free to think of nothing but Jack. He'd tried to push it away at first but after the first few times, he was consumed by it. During the day, riding with the sheep, trying to keep an eye out for signs of coyotes or other trouble that could affect the herd, he'd replay the night before in his mind, and more than once he had cut short his work, raced back to camp and surprised Jack. A fact he pushed from his mind was that not once did Alma come to mind as he became aroused – it was only Jack.
During that summer of 1963, Jack was everything to Ennis - parent, friend, lover. He couldn't know that he'd never again feel so safe, so protected, so loved as he felt then...would never feel as close to anyone as he felt to Jack.
Ennis couldn't put words, or even thoughts, to what he felt since he met Jack, didn't want to look at it too closely. When they made the decision to stay in Signal, he chalked it up to one last fling before he married Alma. But once or twice, when he couldn't sleep, he thought about Jack and tried to sort things out in his mind.
He certainly didn't call it love. He hadn't even told Alma that he loved her – it wasn't a word or a feeling that came easily to him. All he knew was that he liked being with Jack, liked his easy confidence, how he seemed to be in control of things. He felt at ease with him, he could be himself, no bullshit.
Ennis even talked a little more now...Jack listened to him and he found himself talking about his past, his family, things he liked and didn't like...actually gave his opinion of things, something he wasn't asked for often. And when he talked, Jack never made fun of him, never told him to shut up, he always listened.
As long as he lived, Ennis would remember the night on Brokeback, as he lay with his head on Jack's chest, he had cried as he told a story about his mother - not sobbing, not shaking, just a few tears falling, even his voice hadn't changed - but Jack knew, and had pulled him in a little tighter.
But now, as he lay with Jack on the hard mattress in that dirty little room, all he could think of was how glad he was they were still together, how good Jack felt and tasted, how many more nights he'd be able to feel and taste him.
When you're nineteen, a week can seem like forever.
The work on the ranch stretched out past the ten days and was as bad as they both thought it would be, but their complaints were only lip-deep - they both would have worked on a chain gang during the day if it meant they could spend their nights together.
Ennis couldn't get enough of Jack, wondered how the hell he'd lived without him - but didn't let himself think about how he'd live without him after their time together was up.
Almost every night Ennis would leave his bed and go to Jack, feverish in his need, waking him with rough hands and soft tongue...even if they'd already had sex...Ennis needing him again and again.
Then there were nights he'd wake in the dark, a need deeper than sex moving him to Jack's bed, but quiet so as not to wake him. Holding his breath he would ease himself down, taking in the quiet warmth, needing to just be there...that close to him...and quiet, listening to Jack breathe in and out...slowly relaxing as he didn't wake...then moving a hand to touch...just to feel him...to know he was there.
This Saturday morning Jack got up tired and irritable, his neck sore from sleeping awkwardly in that small bed with Ennis wrapped around him. He'd woke in the night wedged up against the wall, and had raised his voice more than he needed to when he asked Ennis why the fuck they had two beds. Stung, Ennis had quickly left him without a word.
Jack had learned a lot about Ennis since they'd ascended the mountain in April. Ennis was quick to anger, easily hurt, quick to forgive. He could go a long time without talking – not so long without fucking. Jack knew that Ennis didn't expect much from life, would take what he got and not ask for much more. They were both the same age but somehow Jack felt older, and with more life experience, than Ennis. They'd both had a rough start in life, he wasn't any smarter than Ennis, hadn't lost as much as Ennis, though he tried to move past his pain, Ennis seemed almost to drown in his.
All day Jack stayed in his bad mood from lack of sleep, and Ennis was pissed because Jack had yelled at him; but Ennis's mood would change when they were alone...always did. He would give Jack the silent treatment so he would know Ennis was mad. But it wouldn't be long before he would try to make a joke, make Jack laugh, something to get them talking again, which would lead to sex, always on Ennis's mind when Jack was around – or even when he wasn't.
“Ennis.”
Jack woke up alone in the small bed, sweating and shaken from a nightmare...he was being chased by someone and they were catching up to him.
“Yeah.”
After several seconds of silence, Ennis got up and went to him, climbed in next to him and put an arm around him, held his face and kissed him in the dark.
“What?”
“Nothin...bad dream.”
Jack relaxed under Ennis's touch, a fact that both fascinated and frightened him...what would he do without it?
Jack didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, didn't have a clue where his next job was coming from, didn't even know where he was going after the job in Signal was over.
But he knew one thing...he wanted one thing...and that was Ennis.
Staying In Signal, Chapter 2
“C'mon, Jack, I gotta go.”
It was over, they were parting...standing in the sad, dusty street ready to go in opposite directions...well, not ready...but going.
With sudden clarity Jack saw that it couldn't be this way – couldn't end this way – couldn't end. People had overcome much harder things than this – they just had to find a fucking way around it. If this wasn't worth it, what was? How could one leave the other? They were each half of the same whole.
“Jack. We gotta go.”
He opened his eyes and saw Ennis standing over him, the horses tied to a nearby tree.
The remnants of their lunch were scattered around him...he'd fallen asleep leaning against a tree in the back acres of the ranch where they had stopped to eat...the dream was still fresh and he jumped up, full of hope, grabbed Ennis by the shoulders and kissed him, ready to tell him everything would work out...as long as they had each other, what else did they need? They could face anything as long as they stayed together.
In an instant Ennis pushed him away, drew his arm back and his fist slammed into Jack's mouth, sending him back down to the ground.
Ennis looked at him through eyes narrowed in rage, but mixed with pain and confusion...the unspoken threat hung in the air.
Jack stumbled to his feet, hand to his face and wincing in pain, and saw a stranger who, just a few hours before, had made love to him.
He woke suddenly in the dark, with Ennis on one knee next to his bed, softly touching his face.
The bitterness that lived in Jack, but that he was always able to overcome, surfaced, “You're fuckin kiddin me, right?”
He got out of bed and went to the door, but Ennis was right behind him and reached over to put his hand on the door to keep it closed.
“Jack.”
“Don't.”
But Ennis put his arms around him, held him close, his lips against Jack's ear, “Jack.”
Ennis turned him slowly, put a hand to his face, kissed the corner of his mouth, then the center...ran his tongue over Jack's lips...softly licked at the blood that he had caused to be there, wanting to heal what he had broken.
“I know...I know.” It came from his soul, and it was the closest he could get.
“You don't know shit.”
But the caress that Jack craved was working its magic...the drug was taking hold...he tried to fend it off, tried to remain rigid and unyielding against it.
But as surely as an addict feels the alluring pull of the narcotic...as surely as they set aside all common sense for that most exquisite of feelings...the blotting out of all else to the exclusion of the pleasure...so did Jack fall under Ennis's touch.
How could he do that? I mean, I guess I kinda understand - if anybody saw us - but we were so far away from everything...I'd never take a chance like that, of somebody seein us...Ennis should know that...wonder what else he doesn't know?
How're we gonna stay together after this job is over? Maybe he don't wanna keep it goin...yeah, he does...I can tell, he likes it too much...just gotta be safe, that's all.
How could he do that? In plain sight, anybody coulda seen us...then where would we be? I ain't gonna take a chance on this thing getting outta hand...sure, I like bein with him, but I like breathin, too...just cause I like us fuckin...shit, I ain't gonna think about that...I didn't mean to hit him...Jack should know that...just caught me off guard...and I tried to make it up to him...wonder what else he doesn't know?
Sure is gonna be hard to do without him when this job is over...maybe we could...no, it'd never be safe.
The job was almost finished, time to leave Signal was creeping up.
They had gotten to be pretty friendly with the ranch owner and his wife...took most of their meals in the house with them...but he couldn't afford to keep them on...he kept saying it was a shame to lose two good workers like them.
Friday night Jack and Ennis got cleaned up the best they could. Jack had rigged up a hose so it hung down a few feet above the ground and they used it as a kind of shower, and even though the water was cold as hell, it was better than being dirty all the time.
They were going into Signal for a couple of beers, kill a few hours on their last night together.
Jack had been fighting his feelings for days, sometimes he would actually get sick to his stomach when he thought of them parting...he made sure he hid that from Ennis...but sometimes he'd snap at him for no reason while they were working...and Ennis would keep more and more to himself to avoid these unexplainable flashes of temper that hurt him to the core.
But at night when they were so close together in that little room...so close together, but their time together growing shorter...and the thoughts of losing Ennis were so overwhelming, his feelings of hopelessness so all-consuming, that he took it out in their lovemaking.
Once in particular was almost a re-creation of their first night together...but this time it was Ennis who was taken so roughly...Ennis who groaned in pain...and as quickly as he had ravaged him, he then begged forgiveness as Ennis curled away from him, stunned by Jack's actions...not knowing what to do.
Jack didn't want to lose Ennis...and didn't know how to ask him to stay.
Jack pulled up in front of the only bar in town, “Well, our last night drinkin in Signal, let's live it up,” he said sarcastically.
They sat at the bar listening to Hank Williams and Johnny Cash on the juke, smoking and drinking, nothing to say, each struggling with the inevitable, each ones struggle different from the other.
A while passed and they hadn't moved, had barely spoken, Jack was ready to call it a night, when the door opened and five guys walked in, right past the bar and headed for the pool room. They were loud, calling insults to one another, ordering pitchers of beer and plates of food, and trying to make time with the waitress, who had no problem doing what she had to to keep them in line.
After she had cleared the room of dishes, Jack and Ennis could hear the men moving around...they had finished shooting pool and had settled at a table to play poker, and that's what caught Jacks' attention.
He leaned over and said to Ennis, “You play cards?”
“Some, not too good at it, though.”
“Well, I am. I'm gonna give it a while and try to get in on that game.”
“That don't sound like such a good idea...why don't we just get back?”
“Christ, Ennis...we ain't had no fun since we came down...ain't gonna kill ya to sit here and drink for a time while I play cards.”
Shouts came from the poker table.
“Ray, I swear you're cheatin, I catch ya, there be hell ta pay.” But it was followed by laughter and they could hear someone getting slapped on the back.
“Just lucky, I guess...you can't take the heat, get outta the fuckin kitchen, right?”
Jack ordered them another round and listened to the banter back and forth and tried to keep track of who was winning the most hands. They were playing Texas Hold 'Em and had started out low stakes, but seemed to be getting higher as the beer flowed...last hand was fifty dollars.
After a while he took his beer and walked to the jukebox, plugged in some money and hit the buttons, then wandered to the back room and stood a respectful distance back watching the game.
“I'm out.”
“Me, too.”
“Call.”
“Well, gentlemen, you picked a piss-poor night to play cards.”
“Damn, Ray...”
Jack saw three nines hit the table as the other men groaned, and Ray pulled all the money on the table towards him, stacking it in little piles.
“Well, I'm goin...can't go home losin all my money tonight.”
“C'mon, Smitty, you might get lucky...but I doubt it!” And Ray laughed til he choked, then lit another cigarette and looked around and saw Jack.
He gestured with his head to the table, “You feelin lucky?”
Jack looked at Smitty and smiled, “Sure you're done for the night?” Smitty nodded so he sat down.
He held his hand out to Ray, “Jack Twist.”
“Ray Martinez...you play much, Twist?”
“Just learned how a couple months ago...brother taught me...he's pretty good.”
Ray smiled to himself, “That so?”
The game started and Jack was outplayed by all three men, winning only one hand in an hour. Ennis still sat at the bar but he could hear everything and was getting more and more pissed off as time went on. He left his stool to go to the men's room.
A minute later Jack said to Ray, “Gimme a minute guys, don't start without me,” he stopped at the bar to order another pitcher of beer then went into the men's room.
“Ennis...you gotta give me some money.”
“What! I ain't givin you shit! You can't play for shit...let's get the hell outta here, I ain't got enough to loan you any.”
“Ennis, I can play, I'm just leadin 'em on...lettin 'em think I'm just a dumb hick...come on, the next pot's gonna be big.”
“I didn't bring any with me.”
“You're lyin, I saw you put it in your pocket when you thought I wasn't lookin...c'mon, let me have it...I can't lose.”
“Jack...this is all I got...” Ennis said miserably. He knew Jack couldn't play, knew he couldn't win, didn't want to be here at all, didn't want to lose the money he'd worked so hard for.
“Ennis, I ain't gonna lose...come on, I gotta get back.”
Against his better judgment, Ennis took out all the money he had in the world and handed it over.
“Stay in here a while...they didn't really see us together so act like you don't know me when you come out.”
“Wish I didn't know you...”
Jack flashed him a smile, “Can't lose!”
Staying In Signal, Chapter 3
In later years, as Jack would tell the story, it would tend to become a little more embellished every time.
It was his ability to remain calm, he said...his cool head, his knowledge of the game, the way he could read people...and since Ennis wasn't really there to witness it, he just smiled every time, as he listened to it get more and more exciting...and it was pretty exciting, at that.
It was nearly one o'clock in the morning. Jack's luck had swung back and forth since taking Ennis's money, and it was too much for Ennis...he had gone out to the truck so he wouldn't have to hear his money sliding over the table to Ray.
But Jack knew this hand was different. He'd never held cards like this and all he had to do was look, sound and act exactly as he had all night...play the true poker face...and he'd be okay...he and Ennis would have more than enough to make up for the wages Aguirre had cheated them out of.
It was down to him and Ray, all their money was piled in the center of the table, when suddenly Ray reached in his pocket and pulled out a heavy, hand-forged key ring with a large skeleton key and some smaller ones attached to it, and threw it on the pile.
“Raise.”
Jack was out of money.
“What the hell's that?”
Ray took a swig of the whiskey he'd been drinking steadily for the last hour.
“Key to a gate...and a hunnerd acres up north. Raise.”
“I ain't got nothin', Ray, I'm tapped.” Jack's heart started to pound, he could feel it hitting the wall of his chest.
“Got a truck or somethin, doncha?”
Feigning misery, adrenaline surging, Jack struggled to maintain his composure. He dropped his head, at the same time slowly, as if it pained him, reaching in his pocket for the keys to the ancient truck, and, clutching them in his hand for a minute to add to the drama, hesitantly pushed them toward the pile.
Ray said, “I always wanted to say this: read 'em and weep.”
He tossed his cards on the table: four queens.
“Sorry, kid, just ain't your night.” And he started to pull the pile of money and keys toward him.
Jack looked down and sighed heavily, admitting defeat...then, “Well, I don't wanna upset your lady friends there, but...”
He laid down a straight flush, jack high.
Then he looked over at Ray and said innocently, “Up north?”
Staying In Signal, Chapter 4
Jack got in the truck, rested his head back on the seat and tried to breathe.
Ennis woke up when he shut the door, looked over and misread the way Jack was slumped in the seat as defeat, when it was only the effect of ebbing adrenaline.
“You lost.”
Jack was silent as the seconds ticked by, exhaustion setting in.
“Jack. You lost, right?”
“Well, it didn't turn out the way I expected, that's for sure.”
He started the truck and aimed it for the ranch.
“So what the hell are we supposed to do now? Shit. I never shoulda given you that money, knew you was gonna lose...” He was muttering to himself.
“I didn't lose.”
“You said...”
“No, you said I lost. I just said it didn't turn out like I thought.”
“Well, what the hell happened?”
But Jack drove the rest of the way in silence, pulled up in front of the little bunkhouse and shut off the engine...they both sat there listening to it tick as it cooled down.
He turned in his seat to face Ennis, and he was getting a second wind, the enormity of what had happened finally hitting him.
“Ennis, I won.”
“How much?”
“I don't know...a lot...but that's not the best part.”
They got out and went into the bunkhouse, Jack took a fistful of money from his pocket and threw it on his bed.
Ennis stared at it then back at Jack.
“Damn! How much you think is there?”
“I don't know...but look.”
He held out the old keyring, keys clanging slightly as they banged against each other.
“What the hell's that?”
Jack told him what happened.
“Ennis, it's perfect. A place up north, away from here...a hundred acres...we could start small, with a few head...who knows, might end up like King Ranch.”
Jack was pacing back and forth in the tiny room burning nervous energy, as excited as he'd ever been.
“We can do anything...and it'll be our place, nobody tellin us what to do and when to do it...”
“Jack.” Ennis said quietly.
“We can use the money to get a herd started, or build a barn maybe...don't know what it looks like...what's up there...”
“Jack!”
He stopped short and looked at Ennis.
“I can't do it.”
“What...why...”
“I'm getting married, remember? Alma's waitin for me...this was just...”
“Just – what?”
“Jack. Look. It was just supposed to be two weeks.”
Jack sat down hard on his bed, trying to understand exactly what he was hearing.
“Yeah. And Brokeback was just supposed to be a job...”
“Jack, c'mon...this wouldn't work out. How're we supposed to live together? Two guys on a ranch? Just plain askin for trouble.”
Then Ennis lit a cigarette and told Jack about Earl and Rich...hesitating, his voice faltering, low-pitched and sad, as those painful memories surfaced after so many years.
When he was finished Jack stood up and put a hand to Ennis's face.
“I'm sorry...sorry you had to see somethin like that. Your old man was a sonofabitch to do that to a nine year old kid.” He kissed him.
“But it ain't us.”
Ennis moved away and Jack's mood fell.
“Jack, it ain't just that. What about Alma, huh? We're getting married.”
Time seemed to slow as Jack's mind went back to the mountain...the days and nights that meant more to him than anything ever had...even in their short time together he knew this was different, special.
“I can't make you do anything...but you better think about this...think about what you want.”
Then he laid back down on the bed.
“Come here.”
Ennis walked over and stood by the bed, but didn't sit or lie down.
“Ennis.”
He sat, but looked away until Jack pulled him down, kissed him, whispered in his ear, “You know what we got here...”
He moved his hand down and started to unbutton Ennis's shirt.
“You know...”
His kissed his neck and moved down his chest.
“You know...”
“No.”
“She'll never know you...not like I do...she'll never love you like I do...”
Ennis grabbed a handful of Jack's hair and pulled him off, “Shut up. It ain't like that.”
But Jack looked at him and in his eyes Ennis saw love, raw and honest. He loosened his grip on Jack's hair and pulled him close.
“I don't know how to do this,” he said miserably.
“Me neither. But we gotta try, don't we? I mean, I never felt nothin like this before. You? Even with that girl?”
Ennis was quiet as he thought about it, but Alma had suddenly faded to a dim shadow...Jack outshone her by a mile.
“You really think we could do it?”
And with those words, all of Jack's confidence came rushing back.
“Let's see how much money we got.”
He kissed Ennis again, and again...then got up and went to his bed and started counting out the bills.
“Five thirty, forty, fifty, fifty-five...” He looked up at Ennis, “Five fifty-five, more than I thought. But we don't know what's on the place. Ray said it had a cabin – I think he was glad to get rid of it...probably a dump.”
When he looked over at Ennis he saw something in his eyes he'd never seen before: hope.
“Maybe...but it's our dump.
They finished out the week so as not to leave the rancher in the lurch, but Jack couldn't shut up about what they'd find when they got up there...what they could do...how hard they'd have to work...how worth it it would be.
Ennis worried as much as Jack talked, and went over in his mind how to tell Alma they wouldn't be getting married....what she'd say. Hate him for sure, and it bothered him some – but then he would look over and see Jack, still talking away while he worked, as if Ennis had been listening the whole time – and he figured Alma would be better off without him.
A lot better off than he would be without Jack.
Staying In Signal, 5
Ennis would never know if he was making the right decision.
It was stuck in his mind that he was going to marry Alma and have kids...he wanted a son...knew it was the thing to do, but then he'd look at Jack...Jesus, how could he leave him and not regret it the rest of his life?
He'd been ready to leave when the two weeks were up...or thought he was...but if he was honest with himself - which sometimes he wasn't - he knew deep down what he wanted...he just didn't know why...couldn't just be the sex, he'd have sex with Alma, right? So...must be more than that. When he forced himself to think about it, it all made sense.
It was as if for the first time in his life he could just be himself, just Ennis...and Jack liked it just fine...more than liked it...he encouraged it...Ennis had never talked so much, never made so many jokes, never shared more of himself, never felt more comfortable with another person...it was a freedom he had never even known existed...he just couldn't give him up.
If he was going to leave Alma at the altar, he wanted to at least be able to look her in the eye while he was doing it – he was no coward - but that wasn't possible...they were leaving tomorrow, it would be a new life...damn, he'd be part owner of land, set up a cattle ranch from the ground up...even though it would be small, he'd be part of it, not a ranch hand begging for jobs any more.
He stared at the blank piece of stationary in front of him - he'd asked the rancher's wife for something to write on and she'd given him a piece of unlined paper that had a little bouquet of daisies in the upper left corner... he wished it was plain – and printed, in his uneven style:
Dear Alma,
Well this is hard to say so I'll just say it I am not going to be able to marry you. I got a chance to go up north on a ranch and we leave tomorrow or else I would of come to see you myself. I don't know what else to say but I hope you are happy and can forgive me.
Ennis del Mar
“We gotta go by the post office so I can drop this off.”
“Okay.”
Jack pulled the truck up to a mailbox in front of the post office and Ennis got out and dropped the letter in the slot, got back in the truck, his mind already miles away.
They stopped to fill up on the way out of town, and Ennis got a free map from the rack in the gas station office while the attendant pumped the gas and Jack was in the men's room...he opened it in the truck and looked for Cedar Bluff...where the hell was it? Damn, it was past Sheridan...another fifty miles and they'd be in Montana.
He sat back in the truck and let out a deep breath...it was like a dream. Being with Jack and owning his own ranch...he couldn't wait to get on the road.
Jack paid the attendant, got in the driver's side and slammed the door.
“You ready to go?”
Ennis looked over at the man who made him feel whole.
“You bet.”
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: au
Warning:
Word count: 5900
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's
♥ Jack
I cleaned up my journal and deleted some old stuff, but got a lot of emails asking for the beginning chapters of Staying In Signal...I re-edited it a little and the spacing is off but here it is...and sorry about that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...Jack seemed fair enough with his curly hair and quick laugh, but for a small man he carried some weight in the haunch and his smile disclosed buckteeth...
Ennis, high-arched nose and narrow face, was scruffy and a little cave-chested...
Tuesday August 20, 1963
“Let's not go back yet.”
“What do you mean?” It was like Jack had read Ennis's mind. He wasn't ready to leave Brokeback yet, not ready to leave Jack, but he didn't know how to say that out loud.
It had snowed the week before, six inches of soft, wet flakes that melted the same day. Aguirre had sent up word to bring the sheep down, and they were leaving Brokeback tomorrow.
Ennis was lying in Jack's arms, both of them on a blanket that had seen better days, outside the tent, the brilliance of the half moon and scattering of stars on the ink-black canopy above was completely lost on them as their hands roamed lazily on each other.
“Let's stay in Signal til we're supposed to be back. He's lettin' us go a month early; I was gonna go to Lightning Flat, but my old man don't know or care, your girlfriend don't know.”
“Fuck, no...we couldn't stay in Signal, too many people. Besides what are we supposed to do for money, we're already out a months wages.”
“I got a little extra with me, not much, but if we can get somethin' on a ranch it'd be enough for a place and food.”
Jack took Ennis's silence for a possible “yes”, and kept talking but not pushing...slowly moving his hand over Ennis's arm, trying to get him to relax and think about it.
“Ennis, I think we could do it. There's a ranch right outside Signal, I saw it comin' in, they could probably use a couple guys this time of year.”
Ennis was thinking, trying to weigh possible problems against spending more time, a whole fucking month, with Jack. Alma really wasn't expecting him til the first week of October. He might have some explaining to do in regards to money - if he was short getting paid and used some of his money for a place to stay – but if they worked, he could make it up.
“Yeah, maybe we could at that. You think that ranch would hire both of us?”
“Worth a try.” Jack was holding his breath waiting for an answer, he sure wasn't ready to let Ennis go so soon.
“I don't know, what if they ain't hirin? We'll be fucked.”
“Well, hell, boy, that's the idea.”
Jack looked down at Ennis, sly smile on his face, and Ennis figured right then it was worth it. Why the hell not? He might as well enjoy what time he had with Jack while he could. Not that he didn't want to marry Alma, but he didn't want to leave Jack yet...not yet.
“I'm only gonna need you guys for a week, maybe ten days. I need the cattle rounded up, brought in for sorting, then onto the trucks and the other herds moved to better grazing.”
Ennis looked away, out over the fields, but Jack said, “Yes, sir, we can do that.”
“Where you stayin'?”
Jack spoke up, “Well, sir, we just now got into town, don't quite have a place yet.”
“There's a bunkhouse out behind the barn, you can stay there...least you'll be here every day. Start at sun-up.”
They grabbed their stuff from Jack's truck and took off to find the bunkhouse. The ranch was small, maybe two hundred head, and enough acreage to grow hay and straw to feed and bed the herd.
They came around the side of the barn and saw where they'd be living for the next ten days.
“Shit, he's got a be kiddin' – good thing he ain't takin' money out of our wages for this shithole.” Ennis pushed on the door and walked into a tiny room with two beds, a chair, a rickety table, and a little wood stove in the corner. Two small dirty windows let in the only light. “The goddamn tent was better than this.”
Jack said, “Ain't so bad, got a roof, won't be sleepin' on the ground.” But he groaned as he sat on one of the rock-hard mattresses.
“I'm fuckin' starvin'. What're we gonna do for food tonight?” Jack went over to the stove in the corner, opened the rusty door and saw it was full of ashes from the last fire.
“Well, I kinda stole some of your favorite canned goods from Aguirre. Got a couple cans of beans and wrapped up the last of that elk, too. Least we can eat tonight.”
“You are a genius, Del Mar. Might just keep you around for a while.” He walked over the bed where Ennis had stretched out, knelt on the floor and ran the back of his fingers up along Ennis's face, leaned in and kissed him. “I am so fuckin' glad...Christ, I'm just so glad we're doin' this. I didn't want this fuckin' summer to end.” Ennis reached his arm up and grabbed the back of Jack's head and pulled him down, at the same time yanking on his zipper.
Ennis's nineteen year old brain was obsessed with sex with Jack. If he had tried to remember what occupied his mind before he came to Brokeback he would've come up with the usual: getting a job, eating, where he would live.
As the time of leaving Brokeback grew closer, it was all he could do to put in his time during the day and get his work done...always thinking of getting back to camp as soon as he could, and what would be waiting for him there.
His obsession had already been the center of more than one fight – Ennis sullen and with hurt feelings when he'd wanted Jack again not a half hour after they'd just fucked – and he took it personally when in reality it was only Jack's own nineteen year old body, sated and sleepy, that didn't respond.
Being on Brokeback gave Ennis a sense of freedom he'd never felt before. His most basic needs - food, shelter, work – were taken care of, which left him free to think of nothing but Jack. He'd tried to push it away at first but after the first few times, he was consumed by it. During the day, riding with the sheep, trying to keep an eye out for signs of coyotes or other trouble that could affect the herd, he'd replay the night before in his mind, and more than once he had cut short his work, raced back to camp and surprised Jack. A fact he pushed from his mind was that not once did Alma come to mind as he became aroused – it was only Jack.
During that summer of 1963, Jack was everything to Ennis - parent, friend, lover. He couldn't know that he'd never again feel so safe, so protected, so loved as he felt then...would never feel as close to anyone as he felt to Jack.
Ennis couldn't put words, or even thoughts, to what he felt since he met Jack, didn't want to look at it too closely. When they made the decision to stay in Signal, he chalked it up to one last fling before he married Alma. But once or twice, when he couldn't sleep, he thought about Jack and tried to sort things out in his mind.
He certainly didn't call it love. He hadn't even told Alma that he loved her – it wasn't a word or a feeling that came easily to him. All he knew was that he liked being with Jack, liked his easy confidence, how he seemed to be in control of things. He felt at ease with him, he could be himself, no bullshit.
Ennis even talked a little more now...Jack listened to him and he found himself talking about his past, his family, things he liked and didn't like...actually gave his opinion of things, something he wasn't asked for often. And when he talked, Jack never made fun of him, never told him to shut up, he always listened.
As long as he lived, Ennis would remember the night on Brokeback, as he lay with his head on Jack's chest, he had cried as he told a story about his mother - not sobbing, not shaking, just a few tears falling, even his voice hadn't changed - but Jack knew, and had pulled him in a little tighter.
But now, as he lay with Jack on the hard mattress in that dirty little room, all he could think of was how glad he was they were still together, how good Jack felt and tasted, how many more nights he'd be able to feel and taste him.
When you're nineteen, a week can seem like forever.
The work on the ranch stretched out past the ten days and was as bad as they both thought it would be, but their complaints were only lip-deep - they both would have worked on a chain gang during the day if it meant they could spend their nights together.
Ennis couldn't get enough of Jack, wondered how the hell he'd lived without him - but didn't let himself think about how he'd live without him after their time together was up.
Almost every night Ennis would leave his bed and go to Jack, feverish in his need, waking him with rough hands and soft tongue...even if they'd already had sex...Ennis needing him again and again.
Then there were nights he'd wake in the dark, a need deeper than sex moving him to Jack's bed, but quiet so as not to wake him. Holding his breath he would ease himself down, taking in the quiet warmth, needing to just be there...that close to him...and quiet, listening to Jack breathe in and out...slowly relaxing as he didn't wake...then moving a hand to touch...just to feel him...to know he was there.
This Saturday morning Jack got up tired and irritable, his neck sore from sleeping awkwardly in that small bed with Ennis wrapped around him. He'd woke in the night wedged up against the wall, and had raised his voice more than he needed to when he asked Ennis why the fuck they had two beds. Stung, Ennis had quickly left him without a word.
Jack had learned a lot about Ennis since they'd ascended the mountain in April. Ennis was quick to anger, easily hurt, quick to forgive. He could go a long time without talking – not so long without fucking. Jack knew that Ennis didn't expect much from life, would take what he got and not ask for much more. They were both the same age but somehow Jack felt older, and with more life experience, than Ennis. They'd both had a rough start in life, he wasn't any smarter than Ennis, hadn't lost as much as Ennis, though he tried to move past his pain, Ennis seemed almost to drown in his.
All day Jack stayed in his bad mood from lack of sleep, and Ennis was pissed because Jack had yelled at him; but Ennis's mood would change when they were alone...always did. He would give Jack the silent treatment so he would know Ennis was mad. But it wouldn't be long before he would try to make a joke, make Jack laugh, something to get them talking again, which would lead to sex, always on Ennis's mind when Jack was around – or even when he wasn't.
“Ennis.”
Jack woke up alone in the small bed, sweating and shaken from a nightmare...he was being chased by someone and they were catching up to him.
“Yeah.”
After several seconds of silence, Ennis got up and went to him, climbed in next to him and put an arm around him, held his face and kissed him in the dark.
“What?”
“Nothin...bad dream.”
Jack relaxed under Ennis's touch, a fact that both fascinated and frightened him...what would he do without it?
Jack didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, didn't have a clue where his next job was coming from, didn't even know where he was going after the job in Signal was over.
But he knew one thing...he wanted one thing...and that was Ennis.
Staying In Signal, Chapter 2
“C'mon, Jack, I gotta go.”
It was over, they were parting...standing in the sad, dusty street ready to go in opposite directions...well, not ready...but going.
With sudden clarity Jack saw that it couldn't be this way – couldn't end this way – couldn't end. People had overcome much harder things than this – they just had to find a fucking way around it. If this wasn't worth it, what was? How could one leave the other? They were each half of the same whole.
“Jack. We gotta go.”
He opened his eyes and saw Ennis standing over him, the horses tied to a nearby tree.
The remnants of their lunch were scattered around him...he'd fallen asleep leaning against a tree in the back acres of the ranch where they had stopped to eat...the dream was still fresh and he jumped up, full of hope, grabbed Ennis by the shoulders and kissed him, ready to tell him everything would work out...as long as they had each other, what else did they need? They could face anything as long as they stayed together.
In an instant Ennis pushed him away, drew his arm back and his fist slammed into Jack's mouth, sending him back down to the ground.
Ennis looked at him through eyes narrowed in rage, but mixed with pain and confusion...the unspoken threat hung in the air.
Jack stumbled to his feet, hand to his face and wincing in pain, and saw a stranger who, just a few hours before, had made love to him.
He woke suddenly in the dark, with Ennis on one knee next to his bed, softly touching his face.
The bitterness that lived in Jack, but that he was always able to overcome, surfaced, “You're fuckin kiddin me, right?”
He got out of bed and went to the door, but Ennis was right behind him and reached over to put his hand on the door to keep it closed.
“Jack.”
“Don't.”
But Ennis put his arms around him, held him close, his lips against Jack's ear, “Jack.”
Ennis turned him slowly, put a hand to his face, kissed the corner of his mouth, then the center...ran his tongue over Jack's lips...softly licked at the blood that he had caused to be there, wanting to heal what he had broken.
“I know...I know.” It came from his soul, and it was the closest he could get.
“You don't know shit.”
But the caress that Jack craved was working its magic...the drug was taking hold...he tried to fend it off, tried to remain rigid and unyielding against it.
But as surely as an addict feels the alluring pull of the narcotic...as surely as they set aside all common sense for that most exquisite of feelings...the blotting out of all else to the exclusion of the pleasure...so did Jack fall under Ennis's touch.
How could he do that? I mean, I guess I kinda understand - if anybody saw us - but we were so far away from everything...I'd never take a chance like that, of somebody seein us...Ennis should know that...wonder what else he doesn't know?
How're we gonna stay together after this job is over? Maybe he don't wanna keep it goin...yeah, he does...I can tell, he likes it too much...just gotta be safe, that's all.
How could he do that? In plain sight, anybody coulda seen us...then where would we be? I ain't gonna take a chance on this thing getting outta hand...sure, I like bein with him, but I like breathin, too...just cause I like us fuckin...shit, I ain't gonna think about that...I didn't mean to hit him...Jack should know that...just caught me off guard...and I tried to make it up to him...wonder what else he doesn't know?
Sure is gonna be hard to do without him when this job is over...maybe we could...no, it'd never be safe.
The job was almost finished, time to leave Signal was creeping up.
They had gotten to be pretty friendly with the ranch owner and his wife...took most of their meals in the house with them...but he couldn't afford to keep them on...he kept saying it was a shame to lose two good workers like them.
Friday night Jack and Ennis got cleaned up the best they could. Jack had rigged up a hose so it hung down a few feet above the ground and they used it as a kind of shower, and even though the water was cold as hell, it was better than being dirty all the time.
They were going into Signal for a couple of beers, kill a few hours on their last night together.
Jack had been fighting his feelings for days, sometimes he would actually get sick to his stomach when he thought of them parting...he made sure he hid that from Ennis...but sometimes he'd snap at him for no reason while they were working...and Ennis would keep more and more to himself to avoid these unexplainable flashes of temper that hurt him to the core.
But at night when they were so close together in that little room...so close together, but their time together growing shorter...and the thoughts of losing Ennis were so overwhelming, his feelings of hopelessness so all-consuming, that he took it out in their lovemaking.
Once in particular was almost a re-creation of their first night together...but this time it was Ennis who was taken so roughly...Ennis who groaned in pain...and as quickly as he had ravaged him, he then begged forgiveness as Ennis curled away from him, stunned by Jack's actions...not knowing what to do.
Jack didn't want to lose Ennis...and didn't know how to ask him to stay.
Jack pulled up in front of the only bar in town, “Well, our last night drinkin in Signal, let's live it up,” he said sarcastically.
They sat at the bar listening to Hank Williams and Johnny Cash on the juke, smoking and drinking, nothing to say, each struggling with the inevitable, each ones struggle different from the other.
A while passed and they hadn't moved, had barely spoken, Jack was ready to call it a night, when the door opened and five guys walked in, right past the bar and headed for the pool room. They were loud, calling insults to one another, ordering pitchers of beer and plates of food, and trying to make time with the waitress, who had no problem doing what she had to to keep them in line.
After she had cleared the room of dishes, Jack and Ennis could hear the men moving around...they had finished shooting pool and had settled at a table to play poker, and that's what caught Jacks' attention.
He leaned over and said to Ennis, “You play cards?”
“Some, not too good at it, though.”
“Well, I am. I'm gonna give it a while and try to get in on that game.”
“That don't sound like such a good idea...why don't we just get back?”
“Christ, Ennis...we ain't had no fun since we came down...ain't gonna kill ya to sit here and drink for a time while I play cards.”
Shouts came from the poker table.
“Ray, I swear you're cheatin, I catch ya, there be hell ta pay.” But it was followed by laughter and they could hear someone getting slapped on the back.
“Just lucky, I guess...you can't take the heat, get outta the fuckin kitchen, right?”
Jack ordered them another round and listened to the banter back and forth and tried to keep track of who was winning the most hands. They were playing Texas Hold 'Em and had started out low stakes, but seemed to be getting higher as the beer flowed...last hand was fifty dollars.
After a while he took his beer and walked to the jukebox, plugged in some money and hit the buttons, then wandered to the back room and stood a respectful distance back watching the game.
“I'm out.”
“Me, too.”
“Call.”
“Well, gentlemen, you picked a piss-poor night to play cards.”
“Damn, Ray...”
Jack saw three nines hit the table as the other men groaned, and Ray pulled all the money on the table towards him, stacking it in little piles.
“Well, I'm goin...can't go home losin all my money tonight.”
“C'mon, Smitty, you might get lucky...but I doubt it!” And Ray laughed til he choked, then lit another cigarette and looked around and saw Jack.
He gestured with his head to the table, “You feelin lucky?”
Jack looked at Smitty and smiled, “Sure you're done for the night?” Smitty nodded so he sat down.
He held his hand out to Ray, “Jack Twist.”
“Ray Martinez...you play much, Twist?”
“Just learned how a couple months ago...brother taught me...he's pretty good.”
Ray smiled to himself, “That so?”
The game started and Jack was outplayed by all three men, winning only one hand in an hour. Ennis still sat at the bar but he could hear everything and was getting more and more pissed off as time went on. He left his stool to go to the men's room.
A minute later Jack said to Ray, “Gimme a minute guys, don't start without me,” he stopped at the bar to order another pitcher of beer then went into the men's room.
“Ennis...you gotta give me some money.”
“What! I ain't givin you shit! You can't play for shit...let's get the hell outta here, I ain't got enough to loan you any.”
“Ennis, I can play, I'm just leadin 'em on...lettin 'em think I'm just a dumb hick...come on, the next pot's gonna be big.”
“I didn't bring any with me.”
“You're lyin, I saw you put it in your pocket when you thought I wasn't lookin...c'mon, let me have it...I can't lose.”
“Jack...this is all I got...” Ennis said miserably. He knew Jack couldn't play, knew he couldn't win, didn't want to be here at all, didn't want to lose the money he'd worked so hard for.
“Ennis, I ain't gonna lose...come on, I gotta get back.”
Against his better judgment, Ennis took out all the money he had in the world and handed it over.
“Stay in here a while...they didn't really see us together so act like you don't know me when you come out.”
“Wish I didn't know you...”
Jack flashed him a smile, “Can't lose!”
Staying In Signal, Chapter 3
In later years, as Jack would tell the story, it would tend to become a little more embellished every time.
It was his ability to remain calm, he said...his cool head, his knowledge of the game, the way he could read people...and since Ennis wasn't really there to witness it, he just smiled every time, as he listened to it get more and more exciting...and it was pretty exciting, at that.
It was nearly one o'clock in the morning. Jack's luck had swung back and forth since taking Ennis's money, and it was too much for Ennis...he had gone out to the truck so he wouldn't have to hear his money sliding over the table to Ray.
But Jack knew this hand was different. He'd never held cards like this and all he had to do was look, sound and act exactly as he had all night...play the true poker face...and he'd be okay...he and Ennis would have more than enough to make up for the wages Aguirre had cheated them out of.
It was down to him and Ray, all their money was piled in the center of the table, when suddenly Ray reached in his pocket and pulled out a heavy, hand-forged key ring with a large skeleton key and some smaller ones attached to it, and threw it on the pile.
“Raise.”
Jack was out of money.
“What the hell's that?”
Ray took a swig of the whiskey he'd been drinking steadily for the last hour.
“Key to a gate...and a hunnerd acres up north. Raise.”
“I ain't got nothin', Ray, I'm tapped.” Jack's heart started to pound, he could feel it hitting the wall of his chest.
“Got a truck or somethin, doncha?”
Feigning misery, adrenaline surging, Jack struggled to maintain his composure. He dropped his head, at the same time slowly, as if it pained him, reaching in his pocket for the keys to the ancient truck, and, clutching them in his hand for a minute to add to the drama, hesitantly pushed them toward the pile.
Ray said, “I always wanted to say this: read 'em and weep.”
He tossed his cards on the table: four queens.
“Sorry, kid, just ain't your night.” And he started to pull the pile of money and keys toward him.
Jack looked down and sighed heavily, admitting defeat...then, “Well, I don't wanna upset your lady friends there, but...”
He laid down a straight flush, jack high.
Then he looked over at Ray and said innocently, “Up north?”
Staying In Signal, Chapter 4
Jack got in the truck, rested his head back on the seat and tried to breathe.
Ennis woke up when he shut the door, looked over and misread the way Jack was slumped in the seat as defeat, when it was only the effect of ebbing adrenaline.
“You lost.”
Jack was silent as the seconds ticked by, exhaustion setting in.
“Jack. You lost, right?”
“Well, it didn't turn out the way I expected, that's for sure.”
He started the truck and aimed it for the ranch.
“So what the hell are we supposed to do now? Shit. I never shoulda given you that money, knew you was gonna lose...” He was muttering to himself.
“I didn't lose.”
“You said...”
“No, you said I lost. I just said it didn't turn out like I thought.”
“Well, what the hell happened?”
But Jack drove the rest of the way in silence, pulled up in front of the little bunkhouse and shut off the engine...they both sat there listening to it tick as it cooled down.
He turned in his seat to face Ennis, and he was getting a second wind, the enormity of what had happened finally hitting him.
“Ennis, I won.”
“How much?”
“I don't know...a lot...but that's not the best part.”
They got out and went into the bunkhouse, Jack took a fistful of money from his pocket and threw it on his bed.
Ennis stared at it then back at Jack.
“Damn! How much you think is there?”
“I don't know...but look.”
He held out the old keyring, keys clanging slightly as they banged against each other.
“What the hell's that?”
Jack told him what happened.
“Ennis, it's perfect. A place up north, away from here...a hundred acres...we could start small, with a few head...who knows, might end up like King Ranch.”
Jack was pacing back and forth in the tiny room burning nervous energy, as excited as he'd ever been.
“We can do anything...and it'll be our place, nobody tellin us what to do and when to do it...”
“Jack.” Ennis said quietly.
“We can use the money to get a herd started, or build a barn maybe...don't know what it looks like...what's up there...”
“Jack!”
He stopped short and looked at Ennis.
“I can't do it.”
“What...why...”
“I'm getting married, remember? Alma's waitin for me...this was just...”
“Just – what?”
“Jack. Look. It was just supposed to be two weeks.”
Jack sat down hard on his bed, trying to understand exactly what he was hearing.
“Yeah. And Brokeback was just supposed to be a job...”
“Jack, c'mon...this wouldn't work out. How're we supposed to live together? Two guys on a ranch? Just plain askin for trouble.”
Then Ennis lit a cigarette and told Jack about Earl and Rich...hesitating, his voice faltering, low-pitched and sad, as those painful memories surfaced after so many years.
When he was finished Jack stood up and put a hand to Ennis's face.
“I'm sorry...sorry you had to see somethin like that. Your old man was a sonofabitch to do that to a nine year old kid.” He kissed him.
“But it ain't us.”
Ennis moved away and Jack's mood fell.
“Jack, it ain't just that. What about Alma, huh? We're getting married.”
Time seemed to slow as Jack's mind went back to the mountain...the days and nights that meant more to him than anything ever had...even in their short time together he knew this was different, special.
“I can't make you do anything...but you better think about this...think about what you want.”
Then he laid back down on the bed.
“Come here.”
Ennis walked over and stood by the bed, but didn't sit or lie down.
“Ennis.”
He sat, but looked away until Jack pulled him down, kissed him, whispered in his ear, “You know what we got here...”
He moved his hand down and started to unbutton Ennis's shirt.
“You know...”
His kissed his neck and moved down his chest.
“You know...”
“No.”
“She'll never know you...not like I do...she'll never love you like I do...”
Ennis grabbed a handful of Jack's hair and pulled him off, “Shut up. It ain't like that.”
But Jack looked at him and in his eyes Ennis saw love, raw and honest. He loosened his grip on Jack's hair and pulled him close.
“I don't know how to do this,” he said miserably.
“Me neither. But we gotta try, don't we? I mean, I never felt nothin like this before. You? Even with that girl?”
Ennis was quiet as he thought about it, but Alma had suddenly faded to a dim shadow...Jack outshone her by a mile.
“You really think we could do it?”
And with those words, all of Jack's confidence came rushing back.
“Let's see how much money we got.”
He kissed Ennis again, and again...then got up and went to his bed and started counting out the bills.
“Five thirty, forty, fifty, fifty-five...” He looked up at Ennis, “Five fifty-five, more than I thought. But we don't know what's on the place. Ray said it had a cabin – I think he was glad to get rid of it...probably a dump.”
When he looked over at Ennis he saw something in his eyes he'd never seen before: hope.
“Maybe...but it's our dump.
They finished out the week so as not to leave the rancher in the lurch, but Jack couldn't shut up about what they'd find when they got up there...what they could do...how hard they'd have to work...how worth it it would be.
Ennis worried as much as Jack talked, and went over in his mind how to tell Alma they wouldn't be getting married....what she'd say. Hate him for sure, and it bothered him some – but then he would look over and see Jack, still talking away while he worked, as if Ennis had been listening the whole time – and he figured Alma would be better off without him.
A lot better off than he would be without Jack.
Staying In Signal, 5
Ennis would never know if he was making the right decision.
It was stuck in his mind that he was going to marry Alma and have kids...he wanted a son...knew it was the thing to do, but then he'd look at Jack...Jesus, how could he leave him and not regret it the rest of his life?
He'd been ready to leave when the two weeks were up...or thought he was...but if he was honest with himself - which sometimes he wasn't - he knew deep down what he wanted...he just didn't know why...couldn't just be the sex, he'd have sex with Alma, right? So...must be more than that. When he forced himself to think about it, it all made sense.
It was as if for the first time in his life he could just be himself, just Ennis...and Jack liked it just fine...more than liked it...he encouraged it...Ennis had never talked so much, never made so many jokes, never shared more of himself, never felt more comfortable with another person...it was a freedom he had never even known existed...he just couldn't give him up.
If he was going to leave Alma at the altar, he wanted to at least be able to look her in the eye while he was doing it – he was no coward - but that wasn't possible...they were leaving tomorrow, it would be a new life...damn, he'd be part owner of land, set up a cattle ranch from the ground up...even though it would be small, he'd be part of it, not a ranch hand begging for jobs any more.
He stared at the blank piece of stationary in front of him - he'd asked the rancher's wife for something to write on and she'd given him a piece of unlined paper that had a little bouquet of daisies in the upper left corner... he wished it was plain – and printed, in his uneven style:
Dear Alma,
Well this is hard to say so I'll just say it I am not going to be able to marry you. I got a chance to go up north on a ranch and we leave tomorrow or else I would of come to see you myself. I don't know what else to say but I hope you are happy and can forgive me.
Ennis del Mar
“We gotta go by the post office so I can drop this off.”
“Okay.”
Jack pulled the truck up to a mailbox in front of the post office and Ennis got out and dropped the letter in the slot, got back in the truck, his mind already miles away.
They stopped to fill up on the way out of town, and Ennis got a free map from the rack in the gas station office while the attendant pumped the gas and Jack was in the men's room...he opened it in the truck and looked for Cedar Bluff...where the hell was it? Damn, it was past Sheridan...another fifty miles and they'd be in Montana.
He sat back in the truck and let out a deep breath...it was like a dream. Being with Jack and owning his own ranch...he couldn't wait to get on the road.
Jack paid the attendant, got in the driver's side and slammed the door.
“You ready to go?”
Ennis looked over at the man who made him feel whole.
“You bet.”