morrobay1990

Title: Kicked Out Of Hell
Author:

morrobay1990
Genre: ?
Warning:
Word count: 500
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's
♥ Jack

Okay, so why am I here?

See if you can guess.

Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist...heaven and hell do exist and I'm queer...so all those Evangelicals were right...so big fucking deal...I was who I was.

No no no...you're wasting my time here. Yes, of course, heaven and hell exist. But gay? Come on, I got bigger fish to fry – little hell humor there – than you.

So what, then? What am I doing here? I didn't kill anyone...oh, by the way, there's 3 guys...

With tire irons? Yeah, don't worry.

Yeah, ok, I broke the marriage vow...can I get time off for good behavior? Because you know I also did a lot of volunteer work, and donated to charities...and Lureen, she kinda knew somethin was up, didn't she?

Yes, yes, we can work on the infidelity thing...but that's not it.

Then what?

Well, we don't like to spread it around, but me and God are kinda in cahoots with each other. We have to be. We have to set some kind of rules or you people would just run amok...killing, stealing, and those other 8...you know I kinda forget.

So?

Oh, yeah, so we kinda work together and we trade with each other now and again. And you know, mistakes do happen.

Huh? What the hell does that mean?

Well, say a minister...say Jim Bakker...spends a lot of his time on TV saying the right things and giving people a good example to live by...then – BOOM – Jessica Hahn. Boy, me and God had a good laugh over that one. So anyway, say he dies in some horrible accident, arranged by me, but he accidentally goes to the other place. So God interviews him, like I'm doing with you, and gets to the heart of it...see, we know but we like to hear the truth from the person...so you know, you just know an asshole like Bakker's gonna try to lie to God's face, right? So I got a spot for him here.

That doesn't...what the hell...why am I here!

Yes, well...other than the mass murderers, child molesters...you know, the scum of the earth will all come here...but other than them, you know, your regular citizen...well, it really comes down to sports and politics.

Excuse me? Sports and...

Politics, yes.

So...I'm a Texas Rangers fan...so Rangers fans go to hell?

No, but they do spend some time in Purgatory. Now if you were a Cubs fan? Straight to heaven.

Then what...?

Republican. You've been voting the Republican ticket your whole voting life.

I never voted Republican!

What? I was sure...

No, I been voting Democrat since...since I started voting...you got your facts wrong.

All right, all right, let me check...boy, you do go way back don't you...John Connnally? You know, a bunch of Republicans are gonna be in jail before they even get here...but that's not your problem.

So what...I can go?

Go? I'll be happy to send you on your way...the sooner the better...you know, we don't like your kind down here.