Cabin Fever
Aug. 7th, 2011 10:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: Cabin Fever
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: post canon
Word count: 1650
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's
♥ Jack
Mixed some new w/recycled drabbles deleted from my journal...a little angsty.
November 1976
Damn, Ennis was getting a cabin for this trip.
On his way home from work, Jack had stopped by the post office where he kept a box just for Ennis to send the postcards, and this one had more than the usual effect, and that was saying something.
He was distracted when he walked in the door and Lureen asked how his day was...distracted all during dinner and through the night, and when he tried to read Bobby a story before bed, he stared at the words on the page, his mind already on the mountain, until Bobby had to poke him and tell him to keep reading, please.
After Bobby was in bed, after Lureen was asleep and the house was quiet, Jack was finally able to be alone with his thoughts...able to close his eyes and picture past nights with Ennis...fantasize about the nights to come.
And not freezing their asses off in a tent, but in a cabin...with a bed and a stove and walls...and a bed.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, a wave of sadness descended on him...uncharacteristic for Jack, because when he thought of Ennis it was usually with a sense of joy, of anticipation.
But imagining them in a setting like that, so close to what he wanted for them in real life, made him realize how far away they were from ever achieving it...how Ennis's fear would keep them apart except for the few times a year that they had now.
Well, maybe he'd bring it up again this time, see if he could think of some way to put it so Ennis would think about it, consider it. He had to be careful about how he said it...Ennis sure could shut down quicker than anything, Jack had seen that for himself more than once, and he didn't want to ruin their time together, it was short enough as it was.
Goddamn it, Ennis...why can't you see that we could do it? Might not be easy, but neither is this.
He rolled over onto his stomach, forced his mind away from what he wanted most, and let the thoughts of what he needed flood his mind, and tried to get some sleep.
Minutes later he rolled over towards Lureen then stopped, left the bed, went into the bathroom, and silently shut the door.
Don Wroe had a hunting cabin in the Sierra Madres, let his friends use it when he wasn't.
Ennis was nervous about asking, nervous about him and Jack using it, but he asked for it anyway, and now they were going.
He'd sent the postcard late because he'd put off talking to Don about it, almost didn't get the time off...but now it was all set and he was meeting up with Jack on the tenth, had off until the twenty first...eleven fuckin days...and he couldn't wait.
He was pretty proud of himself for getting a cabin for them to use on this trip. He'd never seen it, just knew how to get there...knew it had beds so they'd be up off the floor...knew it had a fireplace so they'd be warm for once. It was just a hunting cabin, but he wanted Jack to know that he was doing something since Jack always made that long drive up and back.
The things he had in his life...work, family, drinking...sure weren't doing the job of taking his mind off Jack...but it was just something he had to put up with.
At least they had the trips, getting away, back up in the mountains, almost like the first time...no, not like that...but better than nothing. He hoped Jack wouldn't start talking about the goddamn cow and calf operation again.
Sometimes he went over that last trip in his mind...not sometimes, every damn day...Jesus, that last trip...
Eleven days with Jack...he couldn't fucking wait.
He heard the truck before he saw it, then it came around the curve and pulled over behind his. He threw his cigarette down, crushed it under his boot and walked over to Jack.
“Kinda late there, ain't ya?” But his tone was soft, not angry. Shit, he'd made Jack wait time after time, no big thing that he was late for once.
“Had a fuckin' flat. Let's go, I'll follow you. How far up we gotta go, anyway? I'm sick of bein' in this damn truck.”
Jack was pissed, Ennis figured it was the flat tire that had him in a bad mood...he'd try to smooth it out some.
“Shit, least an hour, prob'ly more like two. You wanna get out and stretch your legs, have a beer...I got some in the cooler.”
“No, I wanna get the hell on the road and get there.”
“Okay, okay...shit, I didn't give you a flat...” Jack didn't hear the rest and didn't care.
Ennis walked back to his truck, got in and slammed the door, put it in gear and started up the mountain.
Well, this was startin' off just great. Why couldn't it be like last time?
It was more like two hours when they finally pulled up in front of the cabin and got out, Jack first to the door, “Hurry up and get the damn door open, will ya?”
“Jesus, Jack, what the hell's wrong with you?”
Jack walked in and looked around.
“Well, that's fucking great. A single bed. Shit, doubt I'll even fit in that thing.”
“You wanna sleep outside in a tent, fine with me.”
Ennis didn't know exactly why Jack was in such a bad mood, but he knew he got in moods like that when he missed Jack more than he could stand...
He walked up behind Jack and put his arms around him, hoping he wouldn't pull away...they'd both waited so long for this very thing, to be in the same room with each other...to breathe the same air...to touch.
And he didn't pull away, dropped his head down wearily and rubbed his cheek against Ennis's arm, “Sorry...”
“It's ok...what got you goin', the tire?”
Yeah, Jack, what got you goin'?
Tell him...tell him it wasn't the tire
Tell him it's your separate lives
Everything they didn't have...everything they had to wait for...the nothing that was his life.
Tell him
Tell him
“Yeah. The tire.”
Ennis let him go and moved to the fireplace, layered some wood on, struck a match, watched until the flames caught and flickered.
“Be warm enough in here pretty soon. Heard the weather report, goin' down into the twenties
this week. I'm gonna bring in the stuff from the trucks.” He'd brought a few things, mostly beer and cigarettes, whiskey...Jack usually brought the food.
Jack reached out and grabbed his arm as he passed by on the way to the door.
“Sorry...I'm glad to see you, real glad. This is a nice place...you done good. And I guess that bed'll hold us...hope it don't break.”
His smile was weak, it was enough for Ennis.
What's wrong? Why isn't it as good this time?
Too much distance between us...too much time between us...
You have to take it easy...keep it quiet...keep it to yourself...
It's not supposed to be that way...
I know...what choice do you have?
No choice.
So...what are you gonna do?
Play the game...our game...his rules...
Game plan?
Same as always...keep it light...keep my distance...except when we're in bed...then give it everything...make him want me...make him need me...make him want me when he's here and I'm there...make him need.
Think it'll work?
............Works with me...
“C'mere.” It was a growl, nothing tender offered.
Jack was still mad from the day before...mad from the year before...mad at Ennis, mostly himself...and he pushed up against Ennis, slammed hard against him...the love they'd made the night before not enough...not enough to blot out the shame he felt at needing someone so bad he'd give up everything...offer everything...and have it turned down as not good enough, not enough to make a difference...
Why wasn't it enough?
His mind was clear of his thoughts of only hours earlier.
They lay in the narrow bed, Ennis's head on Jack's chest...a position he had come to favor after they made love.
Relaxed and at ease for the moment, they were enjoying each other...smoking, talking, Ennis occasionally turning his head to find Jack's lips...kisses soft, tender...hands stroking, rubbing...simple things to take with them...to remember...to remind them what they were to each other.
This is why...why I come back to him.
His other voice was silent.
It wasn't desperation...not really.
Well, maybe it was...
He was trying to leave his mark...leave his imprint...leave him with a memory that wouldn't let him rest.
The days had passed too quickly...for some reason it had been more difficult for Jack this time, and he knew the reason...
Thirteen years since Brokeback...nine years since they had found each other again...it was all he thought about while they were apart...what they had done together, what they had said to each other, how they had loved...how it could be, if only...
But what did Ennis think about?
His kids?
His job?
Jack?
Did he think of Jack?
Did he?
Then it was over...over for the last time until the next time.
The sounds were of breath slowing...passion ebbing...
And after a while...soft...a whisper...
“Goddamn it......gonna miss you...always do.”
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: post canon
Word count: 1650
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's
♥ Jack
Mixed some new w/recycled drabbles deleted from my journal...a little angsty.
November 1976
Damn, Ennis was getting a cabin for this trip.
On his way home from work, Jack had stopped by the post office where he kept a box just for Ennis to send the postcards, and this one had more than the usual effect, and that was saying something.
He was distracted when he walked in the door and Lureen asked how his day was...distracted all during dinner and through the night, and when he tried to read Bobby a story before bed, he stared at the words on the page, his mind already on the mountain, until Bobby had to poke him and tell him to keep reading, please.
After Bobby was in bed, after Lureen was asleep and the house was quiet, Jack was finally able to be alone with his thoughts...able to close his eyes and picture past nights with Ennis...fantasize about the nights to come.
And not freezing their asses off in a tent, but in a cabin...with a bed and a stove and walls...and a bed.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, a wave of sadness descended on him...uncharacteristic for Jack, because when he thought of Ennis it was usually with a sense of joy, of anticipation.
But imagining them in a setting like that, so close to what he wanted for them in real life, made him realize how far away they were from ever achieving it...how Ennis's fear would keep them apart except for the few times a year that they had now.
Well, maybe he'd bring it up again this time, see if he could think of some way to put it so Ennis would think about it, consider it. He had to be careful about how he said it...Ennis sure could shut down quicker than anything, Jack had seen that for himself more than once, and he didn't want to ruin their time together, it was short enough as it was.
Goddamn it, Ennis...why can't you see that we could do it? Might not be easy, but neither is this.
He rolled over onto his stomach, forced his mind away from what he wanted most, and let the thoughts of what he needed flood his mind, and tried to get some sleep.
Minutes later he rolled over towards Lureen then stopped, left the bed, went into the bathroom, and silently shut the door.
Don Wroe had a hunting cabin in the Sierra Madres, let his friends use it when he wasn't.
Ennis was nervous about asking, nervous about him and Jack using it, but he asked for it anyway, and now they were going.
He'd sent the postcard late because he'd put off talking to Don about it, almost didn't get the time off...but now it was all set and he was meeting up with Jack on the tenth, had off until the twenty first...eleven fuckin days...and he couldn't wait.
He was pretty proud of himself for getting a cabin for them to use on this trip. He'd never seen it, just knew how to get there...knew it had beds so they'd be up off the floor...knew it had a fireplace so they'd be warm for once. It was just a hunting cabin, but he wanted Jack to know that he was doing something since Jack always made that long drive up and back.
The things he had in his life...work, family, drinking...sure weren't doing the job of taking his mind off Jack...but it was just something he had to put up with.
At least they had the trips, getting away, back up in the mountains, almost like the first time...no, not like that...but better than nothing. He hoped Jack wouldn't start talking about the goddamn cow and calf operation again.
Sometimes he went over that last trip in his mind...not sometimes, every damn day...Jesus, that last trip...
Eleven days with Jack...he couldn't fucking wait.
He heard the truck before he saw it, then it came around the curve and pulled over behind his. He threw his cigarette down, crushed it under his boot and walked over to Jack.
“Kinda late there, ain't ya?” But his tone was soft, not angry. Shit, he'd made Jack wait time after time, no big thing that he was late for once.
“Had a fuckin' flat. Let's go, I'll follow you. How far up we gotta go, anyway? I'm sick of bein' in this damn truck.”
Jack was pissed, Ennis figured it was the flat tire that had him in a bad mood...he'd try to smooth it out some.
“Shit, least an hour, prob'ly more like two. You wanna get out and stretch your legs, have a beer...I got some in the cooler.”
“No, I wanna get the hell on the road and get there.”
“Okay, okay...shit, I didn't give you a flat...” Jack didn't hear the rest and didn't care.
Ennis walked back to his truck, got in and slammed the door, put it in gear and started up the mountain.
Well, this was startin' off just great. Why couldn't it be like last time?
It was more like two hours when they finally pulled up in front of the cabin and got out, Jack first to the door, “Hurry up and get the damn door open, will ya?”
“Jesus, Jack, what the hell's wrong with you?”
Jack walked in and looked around.
“Well, that's fucking great. A single bed. Shit, doubt I'll even fit in that thing.”
“You wanna sleep outside in a tent, fine with me.”
Ennis didn't know exactly why Jack was in such a bad mood, but he knew he got in moods like that when he missed Jack more than he could stand...
He walked up behind Jack and put his arms around him, hoping he wouldn't pull away...they'd both waited so long for this very thing, to be in the same room with each other...to breathe the same air...to touch.
And he didn't pull away, dropped his head down wearily and rubbed his cheek against Ennis's arm, “Sorry...”
“It's ok...what got you goin', the tire?”
Yeah, Jack, what got you goin'?
Tell him...tell him it wasn't the tire
Tell him it's your separate lives
Everything they didn't have...everything they had to wait for...the nothing that was his life.
Tell him
Tell him
“Yeah. The tire.”
Ennis let him go and moved to the fireplace, layered some wood on, struck a match, watched until the flames caught and flickered.
“Be warm enough in here pretty soon. Heard the weather report, goin' down into the twenties
this week. I'm gonna bring in the stuff from the trucks.” He'd brought a few things, mostly beer and cigarettes, whiskey...Jack usually brought the food.
Jack reached out and grabbed his arm as he passed by on the way to the door.
“Sorry...I'm glad to see you, real glad. This is a nice place...you done good. And I guess that bed'll hold us...hope it don't break.”
His smile was weak, it was enough for Ennis.
What's wrong? Why isn't it as good this time?
Too much distance between us...too much time between us...
You have to take it easy...keep it quiet...keep it to yourself...
It's not supposed to be that way...
I know...what choice do you have?
No choice.
So...what are you gonna do?
Play the game...our game...his rules...
Game plan?
Same as always...keep it light...keep my distance...except when we're in bed...then give it everything...make him want me...make him need me...make him want me when he's here and I'm there...make him need.
Think it'll work?
............Works with me...
“C'mere.” It was a growl, nothing tender offered.
Jack was still mad from the day before...mad from the year before...mad at Ennis, mostly himself...and he pushed up against Ennis, slammed hard against him...the love they'd made the night before not enough...not enough to blot out the shame he felt at needing someone so bad he'd give up everything...offer everything...and have it turned down as not good enough, not enough to make a difference...
Why wasn't it enough?
His mind was clear of his thoughts of only hours earlier.
They lay in the narrow bed, Ennis's head on Jack's chest...a position he had come to favor after they made love.
Relaxed and at ease for the moment, they were enjoying each other...smoking, talking, Ennis occasionally turning his head to find Jack's lips...kisses soft, tender...hands stroking, rubbing...simple things to take with them...to remember...to remind them what they were to each other.
This is why...why I come back to him.
His other voice was silent.
It wasn't desperation...not really.
Well, maybe it was...
He was trying to leave his mark...leave his imprint...leave him with a memory that wouldn't let him rest.
The days had passed too quickly...for some reason it had been more difficult for Jack this time, and he knew the reason...
Thirteen years since Brokeback...nine years since they had found each other again...it was all he thought about while they were apart...what they had done together, what they had said to each other, how they had loved...how it could be, if only...
But what did Ennis think about?
His kids?
His job?
Jack?
Did he think of Jack?
Did he?
Then it was over...over for the last time until the next time.
The sounds were of breath slowing...passion ebbing...
And after a while...soft...a whisper...
“Goddamn it......gonna miss you...always do.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Well done!
Date: 2011-08-07 06:37 pm (UTC)The stories have been very comforting. Yet I somehow keep thinking of the great OS – and the magnificent movie that came out of it – as Real Life. I have to remember to believe the stories with happy endings could be just as real.
All I know for sure is that Brokeback Mountain brought the tragedy of homophobia – and all prejudice - home to us in a powerful way that can never be forgotten.
Excellent story. Thanks for writing,
Leslie