All Things Considered, Chapter 11
Oct. 29th, 2011 08:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 11
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Warning:
Word count: 3450
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
In the back of his mind, he guessed that he didn't treat Travis very well...but the way he figured it, Travis was a grown man and if he didn't like it, he would move on.
He was in love with Ennis, he was sure of it. Ennis was not in love with him and probably never would be.
He had told Ennis he wasn't interested in going to the cabin this weekend, so he assumed everything would be ok and that Joe Hyatt, and not Ennis, would be there to show them the horses, which better turn out to be the case, because he didn't think he was up to a meeting between the man he was in love with and the woman he was trying to get to know.
Ennis heard the unmistakable sound of a diesel engine pull into the yard then shut down.
Nobody at the ranch drove diesel...did it sound familiar to him or was it his imagination?
He had just pulled Mariah's saddle off the rack in the tack room to load in the trailer, and as he walked out to his truck he saw that red pick-up.
What the hell is she doin' here? Well, don't matter to me, Joe can handle it, I'm leavin'.
Walking over to his trailer, he saw Deborah get out of her truck, then he did a double-take as he saw Travis step out of the passenger side.
She addressed Ennis formally, he guessed that was due to the bad impression he had made on her at their first meeting.
“Mr. Del Mar. I called and set up time to see three horses today. Will you be showing them?”
No, he would not fucking be showing them.
Without stopping he said, “Don't know anything about it, check with Joe,” nodding his head toward the office.
He forced himself to keep walking toward the trailer, barely nodded his head in Travis's direction as he passed. Sometimes he was damn glad he was able to hide his feelings – he knew his face didn't reveal what he felt in his gut.
Deborah disappeared into the office and Ennis stowed the saddle, invented a reason to go back to the barn and pass Travis again, this time he stopped.
“So what are you doin' here?”
Travis frowned, his feelings clear on his face. Like Jack, thought Ennis, before he looked away.
“She's showing me some horses. I didn't know we were coming here, I'm sorry...”
“Don't bother me. I worked all week, I'm going to the mountains.”
Travis looked down, “Yeah, about that...”
Ennis interrupted him, looked him in the eye, “You don't owe me nothin.”
But his stomach was churning, his heart pounding. Travis was really cutting him loose, the thought almost made him panic, then...
Wait a minute: this was the third time Travis had turned down time with Ennis in the mountains, something he loved, to go horse shopping with Deborah Strait?
Had the other times been because of her, too? Ennis felt a knot in his stomach; was Travis interested in her?
Something wasn't right.
Deborah came out of the ranch office fifty yards away. Ennis thought she looked different than the first time he saw her. He had mistaken her for any other ranch hand that time, until she had turned and he had seen her face. But she didn't look like a ranch hand now, not from the front or the back.
She wasn't wearing a big, oversized jacket now...no old jeans and T-shirt, her hair wasn't stuffed up under her hat.
Now she wore riding boots and breeches, which showed off her long legs, shirt tucked in accentuating her slim waist, cowboy hat over thick black hair falling halfway down her back.
And he didn't remember her smiling much either, 'course he had been pretty rude to her. He was guessing Travis had been a lot more polite, since the smile she flashed sure wasn't in Ennis's direction.
That's the something that wasn't right: this was a work day for her. She'd be climbing on and off horses, putting on saddles and taking them off, riding in the dusty arena and not for pleasure but to assess how good the horses were for her client, for the commission she'd receive if Travis bought from Slate River.
Even Ennis could see that she wasn't dressed for work...she was dressed for Travis.
She walked up and said to Ennis, “Joe said to take the horses out for him, he's on the phone with the vet, he said it might be a while.”
Ennis frowned, “I was just leavin', maybe one of the other...” but she cut him off.
“He said nobody else is around right now...he wants Sierra Sun, Rebel Yell and Montana in the small arena.”
She turned her back on Ennis and explained to Travis as they walked away, “Sierra and Rebel were bred for performance and have the pedigree to prove it. Montana is good stock, just doesn't have the paper.”
Ennis choked back his fury, careful not to let Deborah see just how pissed off he was....first off, that she was even at his damn ranch, then by telling him what to do, then by dismissing him like he worked for her.
Travis looked over at Ennis and said, “I'll give you a hand.”
But Ennis was already walking back to the barn, threw over his shoulder “Faster to do it myself,” and disappeared inside.
“So you think I should go with Montana ?” Travis asked.
The waiter moved away after setting coffee and brandy in front of Travis and Deborah.
After spending most of the afternoon riding, Deborah had suggested dinner. They had both driven home to shower and change, then he had picked her up at her house and now they were sitting at a table in the only really good restaurant in town, Donovan's.
“He's a good horse,” Deborah said, sipping her brandy. “He's trained well enough where you can learn on him, but he's not so well-trained that you could ruin him.”
Travis laughed, “Why would I ruin him?”
“Not why, how. A beginner can ruin years of training just by not knowing what they're doing. Like I could never allow you, or any beginner, to ride Chase...he would be expecting certain commands and he wouldn't get them, so he would think that you're training him to do something new – when really you're just trying not to fall off. It would confuse the hell out of him.”
“Well, what if I wanted to try dressage?” he smiled at her.
“Now that is a whole different ballgame...”
Fifteen minutes later, after Travis had paid the check, they walked out and he grabbed her hand. As they got to the car she turned, her back against the door and they kissed.
He leaned in, pushing up hard against her, her arms went around his waist, then moved up to rub his back, and she moaned softly, whispered, “Why don't we go to my house, it's closer.”
Ennis sat alone in the cabin, windows open to cool night air, drinking a glass of bourbon and wishing...
Wishing what? That Travis was here?
Suddenly Ennis wanted him right now, wished he was there with him, and he knew he wasn't coming up, had already turned down the invitation.
Not only that, but Deborah Strait had him in her cross-hairs. Ennis might not know much about women, but he knew what he had seen that morning at the ranch.
While he had been putting the horses in the arena, he noticed that Deborah had taken the opportunity to get pretty cozy with Travis – nothing big – touching his arm as they talked, leaning in to fix his collar that didn't need fixing, gripping his shoulder for support as she climbed up on the fence. Shit, Ennis would bet she'd been jumping up on fences since she was knee-high and didn't need any damn help doing it.
If Travis was the least bit interested, she was his for the taking.
He finished his second shot of bourbon, turned out the lights and called it a day.
Unable to sleep, Ennis turned over and switched on the light by the bed, looked at his watch – shit, it was only twelve-thirty.
He tried to focus on work, but that just reminded him of Travis and Deborah spending the day at Slate River. He thought of Junior, Nikki and Dallas, the work he had to do on the cabin tomorrow – but his mind kept drifting.
He wondered about Travis, wondered if he and Deborah had gone out after riding, wondered if they were in bed together right now. He turned off the light, punched the pillow and begged for sleep.
There was a noise, something in the background, hammering, loud, annoying. It stopped, he waited, it started again, and he was fully awake now. Somebody was banging on the damn door. He turned on the light, looked at the time, 3:36.
He pulled on his jeans and turned on a light in the living room, and yelled “Yeah?”
“Ennis, it's me, Travis.”
“Travis...what the hell...”
Ennis opened the door and Travis stood there for a few seconds, then slowly moved forward, put his hands on Ennis's face, looking at him...kissed him long and slow, then pulled back, looking in his eyes...searching for something...then down to kiss again, in control but not for long.
He leaned up against Ennis, their faces close, and said simply, “I need you...I need you...”
They lay next to each other, breathing slowed, coming back to normal...Ennis on his back, arm bent and with his forearm over his eyes...Travis lying on his side, eyes closed, trying to quiet his breathing, but taking everything in, needing to remember everything, just in case.
If this was the last time they were ever together, Travis wanted to be able to recall every detail...wanted to remember how Ennis had felt in his arms, how it felt to kiss him until he couldn't breathe and had to break away, how he had looked at Travis with more passion than he had ever seen in anyone's eyes, as if he couldn't wait another minute, how Ennis had held his face as they kissed. He wanted everything memorized...in case he never got to make love to him again.
Ennis rolled onto his side facing Travis, put his hand to his neck, and asked softly, "What the hell you doin' here, huh?"
“Long story...”
Ennis said, “Well, I got time...”
Travis weighed carefully what he should say, didn't want to bring up Deborah at a time like this...didn't want Ennis to know that he had taken such steps to try to forget him.
"I've been trying to stay away from you, trying to forget about all of this, but I can't. Ennis, can't we talk about it? Jesus Christ." He started to raise his voice, took a breath and tried to collect his thoughts.
His voice was calm as he continued, "I need to know what's going on. It's been over a year...we've been seeing each other, spending time together, I thought we were getting somewhere...past just fucking, I mean."
Ennis frowned at that, caressed Travis's head, but Travis kept going.
"If that's all it is, I need to know. If you're still not over Jack, if you just want somebody in bed - whatever it is - you need to tell me. 'Cause I'm way past that, I have feelings for you, you must know that. And if you don't want it..."
Ennis interrupted him then, his voice soft and low, a murmur, the words slow, coming hard to him.
"I ain't good at talkin'. I been fightin' this...I know it...I don't know how to explain it to you...I can't even explain it to myself. Something's keepin' me from goin' past what we got now. I told you some about it...kept most of it to myself...it was just between me and him.”
He rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. This wasn't easy.
“I try to keep it pushed down, so I don't think about it...but sometimes I think that just makes it worse..."
He drew a deep breath and let it out, remembering...wanting to, not wanting to. "And when he's around...when I can't push the memories away...I can't think of nothin' but him and me."
Travis shut his eyes, not wanting to hear what came next.
"I can't promise ya nothin'. I know it ain't normal to still feel this way after all these years. Bein' with you's the closest I got to anybody since then," he forced himself to say the word out loud, "since Jack. I just don't know how to do it, I don't know..."
All of a sudden he felt drained, exhausted.
Travis looked at him and said "Do you even want to try?"
Deborah opened her eyes.
She was lying on the couch in her living room where she'd fallen asleep after Travis left. She was still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened. This had sure never happened to her before, a guy leaving like that, before they'd even had sex. She went back over it, for maybe the tenth time.
Everything had been fine at the ranch, and later all through dinner. They had talked, with no lull in the conversation, no uncomfortable silences. And after, out by the car, he'd been all over her. Most first kisses were soft and sweet, but this...Christ, it was like he wanted to fuck right there. Grinding into her, kissing her so hard it was almost painful, but she gave as good as she got.
In the car on the way back to her house he seemed relaxed, slouched back in the seat looking sexy as hell, driving with his left hand, his right hand on her, rubbing her leg, pushing her skirt up, touching her breast...his hand never left her.
When they got to her house she had started to offer him a drink but he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her and turned her, kissed her neck, pushed his hips into her, up against the table, pulled her shirt out of her skirt, damn near ripped the buttons off before she turned away for a second and took it off. Then.
Then...he pulled away, his hands still on her waist, breathing like he had run a mile, said, “Wait, wait...”
Deborah looked at him dazedly, questioningly...he apologized, said he was sorry, he hadn't meant to act like that.
And then he was gone.
Travis opened his eyes and saw himself in the big antique mirror behind them...saw him and Deborah...her long hair, tiny waist, rounded shoulders...it wasn't what he wanted to see.
He didn't want to hurt her, knew a woman like Deborah would probably be insulted if he walked out on her now, but he had no choice. Over the past few weeks, he had talked himself into getting to know her, he had tried to feel something for her, tried to want her. But it was no use.
He didn't want Deborah, he wanted Ennis.
Travis drove home, threw his keys on the dresser and fell on the bed, more confused than he had ever been.
Even though he hadn't had much to drink, his head was spinning with thoughts of Deborah and Ennis, then Deborah was gone and only Ennis remained. He fell into the first deep sleep he'd had in weeks and when he woke at two AM, he knew what he had to do, so he changed his clothes and drove to the mountains.
Ennis rolled away from Travis onto his back, his forearm covering his eyes again, not knowing what to say, having more questions than answers.
Why did Travis want so much from him? What did he want from him? What if it didn't work out? He couldn't chance it.
And Jack...Jack had been with him more than usual lately...Jack was always there, would always be there...Ennis wanted him there...so to let Travis in, to take Jack's place...push Jack from Ennis's mind...no.
And Brokeback...Christ, he loved to think of that time! Thought of it more and more these days. Best days and nights of his life. It had been like a dream unfolding, laying all it's treasures at his feet, his for the taking...and he took everything...Jack the best prize of all...he couldn't believe what he had found.
But it tortured him to this day: why hadn't he been able to make Jack see? He had given as much as he could, surely after all the time that had passed, Jack had known that...knew, even if he hadn't said it, that Ennis loved him...knew that Ennis had never given so much of himself to anyone before or since...would never love anyone that way again.
Surely Jack knew that before he died.
Jack was always there...Ennis wanted him there...he would always be between Ennis and Travis, always between anyone Ennis tried to be with...so he didn't try...couldn't try...not now, not ever...
How could he explain all this to Travis? To anyone?
“Ennis, look, why don't we just call it quits before it even starts up?” Travis got out of bed and started to get dressed. “You won't try to be happy, even when somebody's standing in front of you saying they'll help you, be there for you.”
Ennis knew he should say something to stop him, but he was quiet, knowing he was running out of time, not knowing what to do.
He finally reached out and grabbed him by the arm.
“I can't. I can't do it...”
Travis leaned over, brushed the hair off Ennis's forehead, gently stroked his head, lowered his hand to Ennis's neck, caressed his shoulder. Ennis closed his eyes, felt himself slipping...no one but Travis had touched him like that in so long...
They made love again and fell asleep, not touching.
Travis woke, Ennis's even breathing told him that he was still sleeping. His mind turned the recent events over and over, trying to sort things out, things he wished weren't so difficult.
First, Deborah, and what a mess he had made out of that. He had really thought for a while that he could do it, and was certain he would have tried much harder, if not for Ennis. But now he didn't want to spend any time trying to figure it out – it was finished. If Ennis never wanted to see him again, he would not try to make it up to Deborah.
If the specter of Jack could be tamed, Travis felt all would be well. But even if Travis thought himself up to the task, how could he do it if Ennis refused?
As if on cue, Ennis opened his eyes and looked up at Travis, who was propped on his elbow, thinking and watching him sleep. And in his soft, deep, quiet voice that Travis had grown to love said, “Glad you're still here.”
The two of them sat on the deck, looking at the vista below them, quiet, each lost in their own thoughts.
Finally Ennis took a deep breath, let it out, said with difficulty, “Brokeback Mountain is a couple hours drive from here. Haven't been there since '63.”
He paused, didn't know if he could continue, didn't know if it was the right thing to do, didn't know anything.
“I want us to take some time off and go.”
Travis quickly put two and two together and figured it was where Ennis and Jack had met, even though Ennis had never mentioned the name of the mountain, or the year they'd been there. But Ennis's voice was raw with emotion, so Travis kept looking out at the valley below, said, “OK.”
“This ain't gonna be easy for me...and it ain't gonna be easy for you, either, so you better think about it before you say ok.”
Ennis himself was so full of doubt. He had never considered returning to Brokeback, let alone with someone else. He had no idea if it was the right thing. If things went wrong, if it turned out he didn't have the courage to face it, it would be like losing Jack all over again. It would be like desecrating a holy place.
He retreated.
“Second thought, maybe I need time to think about it, too. Might be all wrong.”
Ennis looked around and said, “It's Sunday. Let's head back to the ranch and take the horses out, sick of sittin' around here.”
Driving back, thoughts flew around Travis's mind. One thing for certain, he had to make sure that Ennis knew he was in control of the situation...and Travis knew that he truly was...no one could control Ennis – maybe Jack had.
He also knew that he would never want to have that kind of hold on someone, would never want to inflict the kind of pain that he'd seen more than once on Ennis's face.
Come to think of it, maybe he did need some time to think about it, because he better be good and goddamn sure this was what he wanted – once they started there was no going back.
Author:
morrobay1990Warning:
Word count: 3450
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
In the back of his mind, he guessed that he didn't treat Travis very well...but the way he figured it, Travis was a grown man and if he didn't like it, he would move on.
He was in love with Ennis, he was sure of it. Ennis was not in love with him and probably never would be.
He had told Ennis he wasn't interested in going to the cabin this weekend, so he assumed everything would be ok and that Joe Hyatt, and not Ennis, would be there to show them the horses, which better turn out to be the case, because he didn't think he was up to a meeting between the man he was in love with and the woman he was trying to get to know.
Ennis heard the unmistakable sound of a diesel engine pull into the yard then shut down.
Nobody at the ranch drove diesel...did it sound familiar to him or was it his imagination?
He had just pulled Mariah's saddle off the rack in the tack room to load in the trailer, and as he walked out to his truck he saw that red pick-up.
What the hell is she doin' here? Well, don't matter to me, Joe can handle it, I'm leavin'.
Walking over to his trailer, he saw Deborah get out of her truck, then he did a double-take as he saw Travis step out of the passenger side.
She addressed Ennis formally, he guessed that was due to the bad impression he had made on her at their first meeting.
“Mr. Del Mar. I called and set up time to see three horses today. Will you be showing them?”
No, he would not fucking be showing them.
Without stopping he said, “Don't know anything about it, check with Joe,” nodding his head toward the office.
He forced himself to keep walking toward the trailer, barely nodded his head in Travis's direction as he passed. Sometimes he was damn glad he was able to hide his feelings – he knew his face didn't reveal what he felt in his gut.
Deborah disappeared into the office and Ennis stowed the saddle, invented a reason to go back to the barn and pass Travis again, this time he stopped.
“So what are you doin' here?”
Travis frowned, his feelings clear on his face. Like Jack, thought Ennis, before he looked away.
“She's showing me some horses. I didn't know we were coming here, I'm sorry...”
“Don't bother me. I worked all week, I'm going to the mountains.”
Travis looked down, “Yeah, about that...”
Ennis interrupted him, looked him in the eye, “You don't owe me nothin.”
But his stomach was churning, his heart pounding. Travis was really cutting him loose, the thought almost made him panic, then...
Wait a minute: this was the third time Travis had turned down time with Ennis in the mountains, something he loved, to go horse shopping with Deborah Strait?
Had the other times been because of her, too? Ennis felt a knot in his stomach; was Travis interested in her?
Something wasn't right.
Deborah came out of the ranch office fifty yards away. Ennis thought she looked different than the first time he saw her. He had mistaken her for any other ranch hand that time, until she had turned and he had seen her face. But she didn't look like a ranch hand now, not from the front or the back.
She wasn't wearing a big, oversized jacket now...no old jeans and T-shirt, her hair wasn't stuffed up under her hat.
Now she wore riding boots and breeches, which showed off her long legs, shirt tucked in accentuating her slim waist, cowboy hat over thick black hair falling halfway down her back.
And he didn't remember her smiling much either, 'course he had been pretty rude to her. He was guessing Travis had been a lot more polite, since the smile she flashed sure wasn't in Ennis's direction.
That's the something that wasn't right: this was a work day for her. She'd be climbing on and off horses, putting on saddles and taking them off, riding in the dusty arena and not for pleasure but to assess how good the horses were for her client, for the commission she'd receive if Travis bought from Slate River.
Even Ennis could see that she wasn't dressed for work...she was dressed for Travis.
She walked up and said to Ennis, “Joe said to take the horses out for him, he's on the phone with the vet, he said it might be a while.”
Ennis frowned, “I was just leavin', maybe one of the other...” but she cut him off.
“He said nobody else is around right now...he wants Sierra Sun, Rebel Yell and Montana in the small arena.”
She turned her back on Ennis and explained to Travis as they walked away, “Sierra and Rebel were bred for performance and have the pedigree to prove it. Montana is good stock, just doesn't have the paper.”
Ennis choked back his fury, careful not to let Deborah see just how pissed off he was....first off, that she was even at his damn ranch, then by telling him what to do, then by dismissing him like he worked for her.
Travis looked over at Ennis and said, “I'll give you a hand.”
But Ennis was already walking back to the barn, threw over his shoulder “Faster to do it myself,” and disappeared inside.
“So you think I should go with Montana ?” Travis asked.
The waiter moved away after setting coffee and brandy in front of Travis and Deborah.
After spending most of the afternoon riding, Deborah had suggested dinner. They had both driven home to shower and change, then he had picked her up at her house and now they were sitting at a table in the only really good restaurant in town, Donovan's.
“He's a good horse,” Deborah said, sipping her brandy. “He's trained well enough where you can learn on him, but he's not so well-trained that you could ruin him.”
Travis laughed, “Why would I ruin him?”
“Not why, how. A beginner can ruin years of training just by not knowing what they're doing. Like I could never allow you, or any beginner, to ride Chase...he would be expecting certain commands and he wouldn't get them, so he would think that you're training him to do something new – when really you're just trying not to fall off. It would confuse the hell out of him.”
“Well, what if I wanted to try dressage?” he smiled at her.
“Now that is a whole different ballgame...”
Fifteen minutes later, after Travis had paid the check, they walked out and he grabbed her hand. As they got to the car she turned, her back against the door and they kissed.
He leaned in, pushing up hard against her, her arms went around his waist, then moved up to rub his back, and she moaned softly, whispered, “Why don't we go to my house, it's closer.”
Ennis sat alone in the cabin, windows open to cool night air, drinking a glass of bourbon and wishing...
Wishing what? That Travis was here?
Suddenly Ennis wanted him right now, wished he was there with him, and he knew he wasn't coming up, had already turned down the invitation.
Not only that, but Deborah Strait had him in her cross-hairs. Ennis might not know much about women, but he knew what he had seen that morning at the ranch.
While he had been putting the horses in the arena, he noticed that Deborah had taken the opportunity to get pretty cozy with Travis – nothing big – touching his arm as they talked, leaning in to fix his collar that didn't need fixing, gripping his shoulder for support as she climbed up on the fence. Shit, Ennis would bet she'd been jumping up on fences since she was knee-high and didn't need any damn help doing it.
If Travis was the least bit interested, she was his for the taking.
He finished his second shot of bourbon, turned out the lights and called it a day.
Unable to sleep, Ennis turned over and switched on the light by the bed, looked at his watch – shit, it was only twelve-thirty.
He tried to focus on work, but that just reminded him of Travis and Deborah spending the day at Slate River. He thought of Junior, Nikki and Dallas, the work he had to do on the cabin tomorrow – but his mind kept drifting.
He wondered about Travis, wondered if he and Deborah had gone out after riding, wondered if they were in bed together right now. He turned off the light, punched the pillow and begged for sleep.
There was a noise, something in the background, hammering, loud, annoying. It stopped, he waited, it started again, and he was fully awake now. Somebody was banging on the damn door. He turned on the light, looked at the time, 3:36.
He pulled on his jeans and turned on a light in the living room, and yelled “Yeah?”
“Ennis, it's me, Travis.”
“Travis...what the hell...”
Ennis opened the door and Travis stood there for a few seconds, then slowly moved forward, put his hands on Ennis's face, looking at him...kissed him long and slow, then pulled back, looking in his eyes...searching for something...then down to kiss again, in control but not for long.
He leaned up against Ennis, their faces close, and said simply, “I need you...I need you...”
They lay next to each other, breathing slowed, coming back to normal...Ennis on his back, arm bent and with his forearm over his eyes...Travis lying on his side, eyes closed, trying to quiet his breathing, but taking everything in, needing to remember everything, just in case.
If this was the last time they were ever together, Travis wanted to be able to recall every detail...wanted to remember how Ennis had felt in his arms, how it felt to kiss him until he couldn't breathe and had to break away, how he had looked at Travis with more passion than he had ever seen in anyone's eyes, as if he couldn't wait another minute, how Ennis had held his face as they kissed. He wanted everything memorized...in case he never got to make love to him again.
Ennis rolled onto his side facing Travis, put his hand to his neck, and asked softly, "What the hell you doin' here, huh?"
“Long story...”
Ennis said, “Well, I got time...”
Travis weighed carefully what he should say, didn't want to bring up Deborah at a time like this...didn't want Ennis to know that he had taken such steps to try to forget him.
"I've been trying to stay away from you, trying to forget about all of this, but I can't. Ennis, can't we talk about it? Jesus Christ." He started to raise his voice, took a breath and tried to collect his thoughts.
His voice was calm as he continued, "I need to know what's going on. It's been over a year...we've been seeing each other, spending time together, I thought we were getting somewhere...past just fucking, I mean."
Ennis frowned at that, caressed Travis's head, but Travis kept going.
"If that's all it is, I need to know. If you're still not over Jack, if you just want somebody in bed - whatever it is - you need to tell me. 'Cause I'm way past that, I have feelings for you, you must know that. And if you don't want it..."
Ennis interrupted him then, his voice soft and low, a murmur, the words slow, coming hard to him.
"I ain't good at talkin'. I been fightin' this...I know it...I don't know how to explain it to you...I can't even explain it to myself. Something's keepin' me from goin' past what we got now. I told you some about it...kept most of it to myself...it was just between me and him.”
He rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. This wasn't easy.
“I try to keep it pushed down, so I don't think about it...but sometimes I think that just makes it worse..."
He drew a deep breath and let it out, remembering...wanting to, not wanting to. "And when he's around...when I can't push the memories away...I can't think of nothin' but him and me."
Travis shut his eyes, not wanting to hear what came next.
"I can't promise ya nothin'. I know it ain't normal to still feel this way after all these years. Bein' with you's the closest I got to anybody since then," he forced himself to say the word out loud, "since Jack. I just don't know how to do it, I don't know..."
All of a sudden he felt drained, exhausted.
Travis looked at him and said "Do you even want to try?"
Deborah opened her eyes.
She was lying on the couch in her living room where she'd fallen asleep after Travis left. She was still trying to figure out what the fuck had happened. This had sure never happened to her before, a guy leaving like that, before they'd even had sex. She went back over it, for maybe the tenth time.
Everything had been fine at the ranch, and later all through dinner. They had talked, with no lull in the conversation, no uncomfortable silences. And after, out by the car, he'd been all over her. Most first kisses were soft and sweet, but this...Christ, it was like he wanted to fuck right there. Grinding into her, kissing her so hard it was almost painful, but she gave as good as she got.
In the car on the way back to her house he seemed relaxed, slouched back in the seat looking sexy as hell, driving with his left hand, his right hand on her, rubbing her leg, pushing her skirt up, touching her breast...his hand never left her.
When they got to her house she had started to offer him a drink but he came up behind her, wrapped his arms around her and turned her, kissed her neck, pushed his hips into her, up against the table, pulled her shirt out of her skirt, damn near ripped the buttons off before she turned away for a second and took it off. Then.
Then...he pulled away, his hands still on her waist, breathing like he had run a mile, said, “Wait, wait...”
Deborah looked at him dazedly, questioningly...he apologized, said he was sorry, he hadn't meant to act like that.
And then he was gone.
Travis opened his eyes and saw himself in the big antique mirror behind them...saw him and Deborah...her long hair, tiny waist, rounded shoulders...it wasn't what he wanted to see.
He didn't want to hurt her, knew a woman like Deborah would probably be insulted if he walked out on her now, but he had no choice. Over the past few weeks, he had talked himself into getting to know her, he had tried to feel something for her, tried to want her. But it was no use.
He didn't want Deborah, he wanted Ennis.
Travis drove home, threw his keys on the dresser and fell on the bed, more confused than he had ever been.
Even though he hadn't had much to drink, his head was spinning with thoughts of Deborah and Ennis, then Deborah was gone and only Ennis remained. He fell into the first deep sleep he'd had in weeks and when he woke at two AM, he knew what he had to do, so he changed his clothes and drove to the mountains.
Ennis rolled away from Travis onto his back, his forearm covering his eyes again, not knowing what to say, having more questions than answers.
Why did Travis want so much from him? What did he want from him? What if it didn't work out? He couldn't chance it.
And Jack...Jack had been with him more than usual lately...Jack was always there, would always be there...Ennis wanted him there...so to let Travis in, to take Jack's place...push Jack from Ennis's mind...no.
And Brokeback...Christ, he loved to think of that time! Thought of it more and more these days. Best days and nights of his life. It had been like a dream unfolding, laying all it's treasures at his feet, his for the taking...and he took everything...Jack the best prize of all...he couldn't believe what he had found.
But it tortured him to this day: why hadn't he been able to make Jack see? He had given as much as he could, surely after all the time that had passed, Jack had known that...knew, even if he hadn't said it, that Ennis loved him...knew that Ennis had never given so much of himself to anyone before or since...would never love anyone that way again.
Surely Jack knew that before he died.
Jack was always there...Ennis wanted him there...he would always be between Ennis and Travis, always between anyone Ennis tried to be with...so he didn't try...couldn't try...not now, not ever...
How could he explain all this to Travis? To anyone?
“Ennis, look, why don't we just call it quits before it even starts up?” Travis got out of bed and started to get dressed. “You won't try to be happy, even when somebody's standing in front of you saying they'll help you, be there for you.”
Ennis knew he should say something to stop him, but he was quiet, knowing he was running out of time, not knowing what to do.
He finally reached out and grabbed him by the arm.
“I can't. I can't do it...”
Travis leaned over, brushed the hair off Ennis's forehead, gently stroked his head, lowered his hand to Ennis's neck, caressed his shoulder. Ennis closed his eyes, felt himself slipping...no one but Travis had touched him like that in so long...
They made love again and fell asleep, not touching.
Travis woke, Ennis's even breathing told him that he was still sleeping. His mind turned the recent events over and over, trying to sort things out, things he wished weren't so difficult.
First, Deborah, and what a mess he had made out of that. He had really thought for a while that he could do it, and was certain he would have tried much harder, if not for Ennis. But now he didn't want to spend any time trying to figure it out – it was finished. If Ennis never wanted to see him again, he would not try to make it up to Deborah.
If the specter of Jack could be tamed, Travis felt all would be well. But even if Travis thought himself up to the task, how could he do it if Ennis refused?
As if on cue, Ennis opened his eyes and looked up at Travis, who was propped on his elbow, thinking and watching him sleep. And in his soft, deep, quiet voice that Travis had grown to love said, “Glad you're still here.”
The two of them sat on the deck, looking at the vista below them, quiet, each lost in their own thoughts.
Finally Ennis took a deep breath, let it out, said with difficulty, “Brokeback Mountain is a couple hours drive from here. Haven't been there since '63.”
He paused, didn't know if he could continue, didn't know if it was the right thing to do, didn't know anything.
“I want us to take some time off and go.”
Travis quickly put two and two together and figured it was where Ennis and Jack had met, even though Ennis had never mentioned the name of the mountain, or the year they'd been there. But Ennis's voice was raw with emotion, so Travis kept looking out at the valley below, said, “OK.”
“This ain't gonna be easy for me...and it ain't gonna be easy for you, either, so you better think about it before you say ok.”
Ennis himself was so full of doubt. He had never considered returning to Brokeback, let alone with someone else. He had no idea if it was the right thing. If things went wrong, if it turned out he didn't have the courage to face it, it would be like losing Jack all over again. It would be like desecrating a holy place.
He retreated.
“Second thought, maybe I need time to think about it, too. Might be all wrong.”
Ennis looked around and said, “It's Sunday. Let's head back to the ranch and take the horses out, sick of sittin' around here.”
Driving back, thoughts flew around Travis's mind. One thing for certain, he had to make sure that Ennis knew he was in control of the situation...and Travis knew that he truly was...no one could control Ennis – maybe Jack had.
He also knew that he would never want to have that kind of hold on someone, would never want to inflict the kind of pain that he'd seen more than once on Ennis's face.
Come to think of it, maybe he did need some time to think about it, because he better be good and goddamn sure this was what he wanted – once they started there was no going back.
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no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 05:53 am (UTC)Shouldn't this be something different with Travis?
Paula
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Date: 2011-10-30 12:45 pm (UTC)“Second thought, maybe I need time to think about it, too. Might be all wrong.”
Yeah, Ennis figured that out as soon as the words left his mouth...
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Date: 2011-10-30 10:18 am (UTC)can't wait to see how that goes..
thank you for the update!
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Date: 2011-10-30 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 12:32 pm (UTC)you know, I get the feeling that by taking Travis with him to Brokeback, Ennis is trying to lay bare all of the memories and experiences that clearly is holding him back. a close friend of mine said to me once that I needed to be somewhere more private than a public place with the one person that has given me a whole new view of what a relationship can be because it was only then I could be more free to feel. I strongly dislike hanging out in public places at parties because somehow it's like exposing myself but still I think it's equally tough to actually maintain the will power and the courage to speak somewhere more private. I imagine that anyone who has experienced such a relationship that Ennis has with Jack would more or less subconsciously be guarding themselves.
as for Travis I don't know what kind of view he has on intimacy, but I do hope that he will come to the understanding that for some people intimacy is something that leads them to all kinds of emotions but also to the feeling of not really understanding what intimacy does to them or why it does have such an impact on them. personally I've always thought of Ennis as a guy who would spend a long time trying to understand why being intimate surfaces emotions.
- E
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Date: 2011-10-30 04:12 pm (UTC)And you hit it on the head...what I was thinking as I wrote the "let's go to Brokeback" paragraph...I think Ennis wanted to face his loss and try to come to grips with it once and for all, and he wanted Travis there to help soften the blow...but then he realized that he would never be able to do that, to share Brokeback with someone else, and so he backed down.
And Travis? He's just so in love with Ennis...he wants to be there for the hard times as well as the good times...
"I've always thought of Ennis as a guy who would spend a long time trying to understand why being intimate surfaces emotions." Can't say I really agree w/this...Ennis thinks about Jack and missing him, but I don't think it goes much beyond that - Ennis is pretty selfish...I love him, but he thinks about himself, that's why he's in this mess.
thanks again, it was a thought-provoking comment.
no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 04:55 pm (UTC)well, I think you're most certainly correct that Ennis is selfish. I think I tend to think that if he knew there were emotions hiding behind the selfishness, he would maybe start thinking about the why's and the what if's. maybe that interpretation is just me trying to read Ennis from my own perspective, as there are several things that Ennis does, which I recognize that I do myself. I don't consider myself to be particularly selfish, it's rather that I'm afraid and then I often need to pull back or else I'll feel like I have no control.
thanks for responding, it's interesting to ponder about the reactions that Ennis has in the relationship with Travis and also my own reactions to the story itself. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-10-30 06:03 pm (UTC)For Travis though this must be very difficult, competing with a ghost form the past is never easy.
Selina
Brokteback
Date: 2011-10-31 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-02 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-02 05:15 pm (UTC)and funny you should mention SIS. I think i'm going to shelve ATC due to lack of interest by the readers (except a few, like yourself). Maybe i'll start SIS back up again and see if that gets a better reception.
thanks again
SIS and ATC
Date: 2011-11-02 10:57 pm (UTC)Re: SIS and ATC
Date: 2011-11-02 11:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-02 11:11 am (UTC)This is not fair to both Jack & Travis.
Thank you.
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Date: 2011-11-02 05:16 pm (UTC)He retreated.
“Second thought, maybe I need time to think about it, too. Might be all wrong.”
they're not going to Brokeback
no subject
Date: 2011-11-23 08:31 pm (UTC)I just noticed this reference from the post-divorce scene. How poignant to use it here.
I thought I'd commented on this chapter but apparently not. I came back to reread before having another read through of chapter 12 in order to comment on that. Now I have to go prepare some Thanksgiving stuffing, first time in at least 15 years. Back later. Hope you have a good holiday.