All Things Considered, Dreams
Nov. 1st, 2011 06:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Dreams
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Warning:
Word count: 1150
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
♥ Ennis
These are a very few short dreams and memories, in no specific chronological order - some from Brokeback, others from down the years - that are at the core of Ennis's struggle. Bits of his time with Jack that he has spent so much of his adult life trying to recall.
If he tries to push them away, he will forget, and a piece of him will die.
If he keeps remembering, to keep the memory alive, it will be like a third person between him and Travis (or anyone).
All Things Considered, Dreams
"What's the best day you ever had rodeo'in'?"
"Shit, one time I had two winners, back-to-back, woulda been three but I got a bad draw last ride, fucker stomped me good. Still, good day with two winners."
"Gettin' stomped don't sound like such a good day to me."
"Yeah? How many rodeos you won, huh? Got your ass beat. You ever had a winnin' ride?"
"Yeah, matter a fact...couple hours ago. Didn't get stomped neither, and he was a big sonofabitch..."
“What are you gonna do over the winter? You got a job lined up?”
“Nope, no job yet...told ya, gettin' married in December.”
“What's her name? What's she like?”
“Alma. She's nice. Quiet. Don't say much.”
“You love her?”
“Yeah, I guess. Sure.”
“Is it like this?”
“Like what?”
“You know what. You and me.”
“No. Ain't like this.”
“So why you getting married?”
“'Cause I can't live on this mountain the rest of my life.”
“Ever think about what you'll be doin' in five years?”
“Nope.”
“Why not? Don't you think about what you wanna do? What if you didn't have to work for nobody, could just do want you wanted to. What would you do?”
“Raise quarter horses. I'm good with horses, not like these damn sheep. Sheep're good for nothin'. Raise good horses, breed 'em, train 'em. Make some money doin' that, I'll tell ya. Know your bloodlines, you can make some money.”
“I'd get me a big cattle ranch. Not some little start-up job – somethin' big, like King Ranch in Texas. I heard about that place, supposed to be the biggest ranch in the whole country, thousands and thousands of acres. Cattle - horses, too.”
“What do ya need a place like that for? Thousands a acres. Two three hundred's most ya need. Graze 'em on a hundred one year, winter 'em, move 'em to the next range in spring. Three hundred's more'n enough.”
“You just ain't lookin' at the big picture. Place like that, King Ranch, you could do anything. People'd know who ya are, they'd look at ya different. You could do anything.”
“Don't need all that. Just need enough to keep things goin'”
“Christ, is that all you see in your future? Not me, I want more than that. Gonna get it one day, too. Maybe not a King Ranch, but somethin' big.”
“What was your mother like?”
“I don't know, like all mothers, I guess.”
“She nice?”
“Yeah. Made me do homework, though. And chores. Hell to pay didn’t get ‘em all done before supper. My brother and sis, too, we’d have everything done on time, no shit.”
“My Ma’s nice. Good cook, too. She sure can make somethin’ outta nothin’. When I was a kid, she’d make whatever I wanted on Saturdays. Didn’t matter what, if I asked for it, that was what we had for supper. You miss her?”
“Got used to it now. Pretty bad at first, can’t do nothin’ about it. Yeah, guess I do.”
“You ever...y'know...do this before? Feel like this?”
“Fuck, no. You didn't, did ya?”
“Once, long time ago. Not like this, though, not like... Guess I thought about it a lot. Didn't feel right, like I shouldn't want to, so I just tried not to think about it. That didn't work too good.”
“Can't see doin' it with nobody else, that's for sure. Somethin' about you, this place...Christ, I can't even believe I'm talkin' like this. What the hell? Can't figure out...what'd you do to me?”
“Hey, hey, hey, it's ok. Don't you like it?”
“Yeah, I like it. I just never...”
“We don't hafta do it if you don't want. I don't wanna do anything you don't want. But Jesus, it sure feels good with you, like nothin' I ever felt before.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know”.
“My old man’s a sonofabitch. Nothin’ I ever did was good enough, after a while ya just quit tryin’. I ever have a kid be different. Hope I don’t, though.”
“You don’t want kids? I do – couple a boys. Maybe a girl later, but boys first. Don’t want the family name to die out with me as the last one.”
“My family name can die with me, I don’t give a fuck.”
“Sure never thought it would be like this up here. Last summer was a bitch. Lousy with rain, hot, humid, mosquitoes big as your fist.”
“Better this year, huh?”
“Couldn't be no worse, so don't go takin' credit for nothin' when nobody's offerin it.”
“Must have somethin' to do with it. Bring ya luck.”
“Christ, if I gotta count on you for my luck...”
“Could be worse, y'know.”
“Yeah, how ya figure that?”
“I could be ugly.”
“Never look at your face anyway, just your ass and your dick.”
“Didn't think we’d be goin’ down so soon.
“Yeah. Bastard.”
“Maybe we could do somethin’. We got a month before we’re supposed to be back. Yeah, let’s stay somewhere near Signal, we don’t need to go back yet. We got a whole month.”
“Yeah, what’re we supposed to do for money, huh? We’re already out a months wages. Goddamn.”
“So, maybe we can pick up a short-term on a ranch, we could do it, just for a month…c’mon, let’s stay…we’ll…”
“Can’t. Y’know we can’t. Why think about it?”
”Y’know, ya keep complainin’ about everything, but you don’t never wanna do nothin’ to fix it. We could do it, y’know. It'd be hard – so what? It’s all hard. Every goddamn day’s hard. Could be better, though. Spend most a my time figurin’ how to do it – and we could, we could do it. You’re gonna waste your whole fuckin’ life just ‘cause it’s hard? I fuckin’ give up.”
“...don’t.”
“Wish things could be different.”
“Me, too.”
"I miss you bad, y’know, sometimes a month feels like a year. Miss talkin’…nobody to talk to when I need to...other things. Just waitin’ to hear from you, get that post card, see where we’re goin’. That’s the only thing keeps me goin’. Least then I can start plannin’, know I’m gonna see ya, and I can see an end to all the bullshit, least for a couple a weeks.”
“Ain’t no better with me. Soon’s we get back all I can think of is next time. Try to figure out where we’re goin’, find a job I can quit easy. It's what keeps me goin'.”
“Shit.”
“Maybe the Tetons next time.”
“You’re there, I’m there.”
Author:
morrobay1990Warning:
Word count: 1150
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
♥ Ennis
These are a very few short dreams and memories, in no specific chronological order - some from Brokeback, others from down the years - that are at the core of Ennis's struggle. Bits of his time with Jack that he has spent so much of his adult life trying to recall.
If he tries to push them away, he will forget, and a piece of him will die.
If he keeps remembering, to keep the memory alive, it will be like a third person between him and Travis (or anyone).
All Things Considered, Dreams
"What's the best day you ever had rodeo'in'?"
"Shit, one time I had two winners, back-to-back, woulda been three but I got a bad draw last ride, fucker stomped me good. Still, good day with two winners."
"Gettin' stomped don't sound like such a good day to me."
"Yeah? How many rodeos you won, huh? Got your ass beat. You ever had a winnin' ride?"
"Yeah, matter a fact...couple hours ago. Didn't get stomped neither, and he was a big sonofabitch..."
“What are you gonna do over the winter? You got a job lined up?”
“Nope, no job yet...told ya, gettin' married in December.”
“What's her name? What's she like?”
“Alma. She's nice. Quiet. Don't say much.”
“You love her?”
“Yeah, I guess. Sure.”
“Is it like this?”
“Like what?”
“You know what. You and me.”
“No. Ain't like this.”
“So why you getting married?”
“'Cause I can't live on this mountain the rest of my life.”
“Ever think about what you'll be doin' in five years?”
“Nope.”
“Why not? Don't you think about what you wanna do? What if you didn't have to work for nobody, could just do want you wanted to. What would you do?”
“Raise quarter horses. I'm good with horses, not like these damn sheep. Sheep're good for nothin'. Raise good horses, breed 'em, train 'em. Make some money doin' that, I'll tell ya. Know your bloodlines, you can make some money.”
“I'd get me a big cattle ranch. Not some little start-up job – somethin' big, like King Ranch in Texas. I heard about that place, supposed to be the biggest ranch in the whole country, thousands and thousands of acres. Cattle - horses, too.”
“What do ya need a place like that for? Thousands a acres. Two three hundred's most ya need. Graze 'em on a hundred one year, winter 'em, move 'em to the next range in spring. Three hundred's more'n enough.”
“You just ain't lookin' at the big picture. Place like that, King Ranch, you could do anything. People'd know who ya are, they'd look at ya different. You could do anything.”
“Don't need all that. Just need enough to keep things goin'”
“Christ, is that all you see in your future? Not me, I want more than that. Gonna get it one day, too. Maybe not a King Ranch, but somethin' big.”
“What was your mother like?”
“I don't know, like all mothers, I guess.”
“She nice?”
“Yeah. Made me do homework, though. And chores. Hell to pay didn’t get ‘em all done before supper. My brother and sis, too, we’d have everything done on time, no shit.”
“My Ma’s nice. Good cook, too. She sure can make somethin’ outta nothin’. When I was a kid, she’d make whatever I wanted on Saturdays. Didn’t matter what, if I asked for it, that was what we had for supper. You miss her?”
“Got used to it now. Pretty bad at first, can’t do nothin’ about it. Yeah, guess I do.”
“You ever...y'know...do this before? Feel like this?”
“Fuck, no. You didn't, did ya?”
“Once, long time ago. Not like this, though, not like... Guess I thought about it a lot. Didn't feel right, like I shouldn't want to, so I just tried not to think about it. That didn't work too good.”
“Can't see doin' it with nobody else, that's for sure. Somethin' about you, this place...Christ, I can't even believe I'm talkin' like this. What the hell? Can't figure out...what'd you do to me?”
“Hey, hey, hey, it's ok. Don't you like it?”
“Yeah, I like it. I just never...”
“We don't hafta do it if you don't want. I don't wanna do anything you don't want. But Jesus, it sure feels good with you, like nothin' I ever felt before.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know”.
“My old man’s a sonofabitch. Nothin’ I ever did was good enough, after a while ya just quit tryin’. I ever have a kid be different. Hope I don’t, though.”
“You don’t want kids? I do – couple a boys. Maybe a girl later, but boys first. Don’t want the family name to die out with me as the last one.”
“My family name can die with me, I don’t give a fuck.”
“Sure never thought it would be like this up here. Last summer was a bitch. Lousy with rain, hot, humid, mosquitoes big as your fist.”
“Better this year, huh?”
“Couldn't be no worse, so don't go takin' credit for nothin' when nobody's offerin it.”
“Must have somethin' to do with it. Bring ya luck.”
“Christ, if I gotta count on you for my luck...”
“Could be worse, y'know.”
“Yeah, how ya figure that?”
“I could be ugly.”
“Never look at your face anyway, just your ass and your dick.”
“Didn't think we’d be goin’ down so soon.
“Yeah. Bastard.”
“Maybe we could do somethin’. We got a month before we’re supposed to be back. Yeah, let’s stay somewhere near Signal, we don’t need to go back yet. We got a whole month.”
“Yeah, what’re we supposed to do for money, huh? We’re already out a months wages. Goddamn.”
“So, maybe we can pick up a short-term on a ranch, we could do it, just for a month…c’mon, let’s stay…we’ll…”
“Can’t. Y’know we can’t. Why think about it?”
”Y’know, ya keep complainin’ about everything, but you don’t never wanna do nothin’ to fix it. We could do it, y’know. It'd be hard – so what? It’s all hard. Every goddamn day’s hard. Could be better, though. Spend most a my time figurin’ how to do it – and we could, we could do it. You’re gonna waste your whole fuckin’ life just ‘cause it’s hard? I fuckin’ give up.”
“...don’t.”
“Wish things could be different.”
“Me, too.”
"I miss you bad, y’know, sometimes a month feels like a year. Miss talkin’…nobody to talk to when I need to...other things. Just waitin’ to hear from you, get that post card, see where we’re goin’. That’s the only thing keeps me goin’. Least then I can start plannin’, know I’m gonna see ya, and I can see an end to all the bullshit, least for a couple a weeks.”
“Ain’t no better with me. Soon’s we get back all I can think of is next time. Try to figure out where we’re goin’, find a job I can quit easy. It's what keeps me goin'.”
“Shit.”
“Maybe the Tetons next time.”
“You’re there, I’m there.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Sad but so true
Date: 2011-11-01 10:11 pm (UTC)Re: Sad but so true
Date: 2011-11-01 11:00 pm (UTC)I think it says a lot about you as a person, that these men feel comfortable enough with you to talk about such personal things, things that they have no one else to talk to about...their feelings and love for another person...I'm sure you have helped a lot of people by listening and offering advice.
Feel free to ramble any time, and don't ever apologize, you're always more than welcome to say whatever you want here.
Ah, I quite like this
Date: 2011-11-06 09:00 pm (UTC)Not sure if E and J would be vocalizing about their sexuality quite that much, but the style does stay consistent.
Over the years Ennis would find that more and more details about that first summer and his meet-ups with Jack become blurred. It's an unpleasant trick that nature plays on us that can also be a kindness.
Re: Ah, I quite like this
Date: 2011-11-06 09:26 pm (UTC)Over the years Ennis would find that more and more details about that first summer and his meet-ups with Jack become blurred. It's an unpleasant trick that nature plays on us that can also be a kindness. I'm of two minds about this. I did a drabble called What Came After, (that one and Back From the Dead are my favorites, out of all the tens of thousands of words I've written) about Ennis using his time to try to remember absolutely everything about their time together, since it was all he had left.
But what you say is true, it can be a blessing not to remember everything...
thank you...and now I'm off to slash links to look up your stories