Words Not Seen

[morrobay1990]

Title: Words Not Seen
Author: morrobay1990
Genre: post canon
Word count: 560
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are APs
Repost/Retitled

Valentine's Day Challenge, 2012




I can see Jack sitting in his office at work, thinking back on his life…what it was, what it could have been…wanting him to know and writing it out for Ennis, for himself…and then tearing it up…never mailed, never read…

Words Not Seen

Sat down to write you some letter, let you know exactly how I feel.
You saw some of it first hand at the trailhead...wasn’t but the
tip a the iceberg, friend.

Couldn’t believe you was pullin out and drivin away from me again...
like watchin my last chance to be happy drive away.

Was ready time and again through these long years to give up
whatever I had at the time...go with you...make a life. Knew it
wouldn’t be easy...what the hell ever is? Felt like you was
throwin away something that was bein offered to you...like
it happens every day. Well, it don’t. What’s it gonna take
to get through to you? Or is it me needs to get somethin
through my thick head?

We’re neither one of us perfect, not even near - right?
And we sure ain’t getting’ any younger. But I know you, and
you know me, Ennis. Felt better bein with you than anybody
else in my life, before or since. We understand each other,
accept each other, fleas n’all. You ever get that from
anybody else in your whole life? Wife..kids...family...friends?

Well, I never did. Just from you.

Drivin south I had a lotta hours to think, realized I was
goin’ backward in time, each thought better than the one
before. Time I hit Texas was ready to make a u-turn and
drive right back to Riverton. Finally figured out it
wasn’t never gonna be like that, just like you said that
first time, and it sure tore me up. I ain’t one to give
up on somethin but I give up now. Ain’t givin’ up on
the friendship, I’ll stick with that...just ain’t lookin’
for nothin else no more.

Don’t know if I can explain to you how it felt watchin
you drive away…

Up on Brokeback one night you was gettin ready to
go back to the sheep. I was standin by the fire
tryin’ to warm up...truth is I was already missin
you...you come up behind me, put your arm around
my shoulders, pulled me up against you, hummin some
song your ma had sung to you when you was little.
You remember that? I keep that memory goin, have
for all these years, one a those things you do
sometimes...keep from goin crazy. Things get too bad,
I got that to think of...makes it easier for a while.
Seein you drive away made me feel like that’s all I
got left now...all I ever had.

Now I started this I gotta finish, gotta make you see
things clear. Took me a long time, but I understand you, Ennis.
I understand what you was goin through over the years...tryin
to figure out what the hell was goin on...wantin, and not
wantin at the same time. I see how you gave up your family,
such as it was, for me...for us. Quittin them jobs when
I knew you needed 'em, needed the money...now I know.

Now.

But not then. I wanted so much from you...but
it wasn’t til now that I see you was givin everything
you had. Nobody ever did that for me. Ever.

So what I’m tryin to say is...it’s ok...don’t feel bad...
no matter what happens.

Lotta things we never said out loud, but you gotta know.

I know.


Jack