Words Not Seen

[morrobay1990]

Title: Words Not Seen
Author: morrobay1990
Genre: post canon
Word count: 560
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are APs
Repost/Retitled

Valentine's Day Challenge, 2012




I can see Jack sitting in his office at work, thinking back on his life…what it was, what it could have been…wanting him to know and writing it out for Ennis, for himself…and then tearing it up…never mailed, never read…

Words Not Seen

Sat down to write you some letter, let you know exactly how I feel.
You saw some of it first hand at the trailhead...wasn’t but the
tip a the iceberg, friend.

Couldn’t believe you was pullin out and drivin away from me again...
like watchin my last chance to be happy drive away.

Was ready time and again through these long years to give up
whatever I had at the time...go with you...make a life. Knew it
wouldn’t be easy...what the hell ever is? Felt like you was
throwin away something that was bein offered to you...like
it happens every day. Well, it don’t. What’s it gonna take
to get through to you? Or is it me needs to get somethin
through my thick head?

We’re neither one of us perfect, not even near - right?
And we sure ain’t getting’ any younger. But I know you, and
you know me, Ennis. Felt better bein with you than anybody
else in my life, before or since. We understand each other,
accept each other, fleas n’all. You ever get that from
anybody else in your whole life? Wife..kids...family...friends?

Well, I never did. Just from you.

Drivin south I had a lotta hours to think, realized I was
goin’ backward in time, each thought better than the one
before. Time I hit Texas was ready to make a u-turn and
drive right back to Riverton. Finally figured out it
wasn’t never gonna be like that, just like you said that
first time, and it sure tore me up. I ain’t one to give
up on somethin but I give up now. Ain’t givin’ up on
the friendship, I’ll stick with that...just ain’t lookin’
for nothin else no more.

Don’t know if I can explain to you how it felt watchin
you drive away…

Up on Brokeback one night you was gettin ready to
go back to the sheep. I was standin by the fire
tryin’ to warm up...truth is I was already missin
you...you come up behind me, put your arm around
my shoulders, pulled me up against you, hummin some
song your ma had sung to you when you was little.
You remember that? I keep that memory goin, have
for all these years, one a those things you do
sometimes...keep from goin crazy. Things get too bad,
I got that to think of...makes it easier for a while.
Seein you drive away made me feel like that’s all I
got left now...all I ever had.

Now I started this I gotta finish, gotta make you see
things clear. Took me a long time, but I understand you, Ennis.
I understand what you was goin through over the years...tryin
to figure out what the hell was goin on...wantin, and not
wantin at the same time. I see how you gave up your family,
such as it was, for me...for us. Quittin them jobs when
I knew you needed 'em, needed the money...now I know.

Now.

But not then. I wanted so much from you...but
it wasn’t til now that I see you was givin everything
you had. Nobody ever did that for me. Ever.

So what I’m tryin to say is...it’s ok...don’t feel bad...
no matter what happens.

Lotta things we never said out loud, but you gotta know.

I know.


Jack

Comments

[soulan.livejournal.com]

Once in a while -- rarely, these days -- I read something in this fandom that gives me that awful, heart-burning, stomach-churning, sinking feeling I experienced in the first weeks after seeing the film. I welcome it because it reminds me how I got into this. And it wouldn't be the same if you had Ennis finding this letter after Jack's death. "Lotta things we never said to each other, but you gotta know." And now Ennis can only guess at a fraction of it.

Thanks so much.

[mazaher.livejournal.com]

Oh shit. You've made me cry.
There is this: "fleas n’all. You ever get that from anybody else?" and there is this, in perfect symmetry: "you was givin everything you had. Nobody ever did that for me".
The waste.
Great fic, thank you

[eandj.livejournal.com]

I often wonder if it had made a difference if Ennis got the letter- perhaps
love this
thanks
Paula

[27bluebirds.livejournal.com]

Feels totally right, and it hurts.
Thanks.

Nice what if ?

[wayne1932.livejournal.com]

I can never forget.

[lovewithstands.livejournal.com]

Very nice. I liked it alot.

Hurts

[joetheone.livejournal.com]

Yeah sometimes we cannot see past the end of our nose but well I think it is true for both of them and well maybe just maybe had he received this note it would have helped him see beyond his also. joe

[torry28.livejournal.com]

I have been away from the Internet for some time for personal reasons. Today I risked my heart again and it never fails to feel the ache and sadness for two men who loved and didn't know how much until it was to late.Your writing, so beautiful as always and heartbreaking at the same time. Would it have helped Ennis if he had seen that letter, would he have been able to forgive himself and move on or would it have destroyed him completely?
Thank you so very much.
Love,
Torry

[lawgoddess.livejournal.com]

Beautiful, and very moving.

[kathan12.livejournal.com]

It's strange. In many of the stories I've read, E&J write the letters of what is in their hearts but never send them.
So sad.

kathy

[tizi17.livejournal.com]

thank you so much. it still hurts, after such a long time. and when words are so well put, even more.
thank you.

[gnashsang.livejournal.com]

great letter....

love the screen cap too.

[gwylliondream.livejournal.com]

I can just hear the music playing to this. What they did to each other is so very painful to watch.

I like the title, too!

Nice job!

[sandscrit.livejournal.com]

Poignant. Always so much unsaid between them. You have to wonder how their whole reality might have been different if they'd been able to share these kind of feelings. It's nice to see how Jack reached a sort of peace and understanding with their situation, and I wonder what cold comfort this letter would have given to Ennis.

[sjmarv.livejournal.com]

You are so good at writing middle-aged Jack with his youthful idealism worn flat and somewhat sour by years of disappointment and compromise.

So what I’m tryin to say is...it’s ok...don’t feel bad...
no matter what happens.

That makes my heart ache, but I think if Jack had sent such a letter, it might eventually have helped Ennis with his grief.

Thanks.
Susan

[roby100.livejournal.com]

Beautiful letter, even if it made me cry.
Thanks for sharing.
A big hug
Roby

[bbmuppslukad.livejournal.com]

Very moving, esp this:
it wasn’t til now that I see you was givin everything you had. Nobody ever did that for me. Ever.

I haven't read any BBM fic in a very long time. This was a perfect revisit in the fandom. Thank you.

[annabirmingham.livejournal.com]

Oh wow this really touched my heart. I could very much feel Jack's love and despair.
I believe you are right in that Ennis gave Jack everything he could. When he broke down and said that he was nothing and had nothing, he truly believed it - in his heart he had given up everything he could for Jack.
So sad, but gorgeous writing.
A x

[red2blue.livejournal.com]

Oh, Nancy, Nancy. You always manage to leave me a little heartbroken :( ... beautiful writing!
m

[changeineed.livejournal.com]

If i am not mistaken you have posted this one shot sometime ago; I was trying desperately to find it because it had struck me as the single story that describes a Jack who understands that Ennis has given everything he thought he could give. Both have reached the end of their ropes and one of the main reasons was that they didn't have the courage to talk to each other about the things that mattered. It's a miracle that they lasted sixteen years with so many things unsaid between them. Men!

Great writing.

please friend me

[happygirl1.livejournal.com]

Would you please friend me so I can read yhour stories?
thanks Gwen

[blackbird-y.livejournal.com]

*sob* this hurts.

Wish he'd sent it..I think.

Nev