All Things Considered, 14
Mar. 16th, 2012 03:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 14
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1500
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
He was starting to hope that Travis didn’t fuck this up before he even got started. Or maybe that’s exactly what he was hoping for...then he could go away from here, back where he started, where he belonged. Was that where he wanted to be, or was it here? Fuck if he knew.
Even as he spoke his thoughts were going back, he couldn’t stop them, didn’t want to stop them, but he was fighting hard to get the words out, wasn’t even sure that he was able to share this with anyone. How do you explain Jack Twist?
Travis opened his eyes to look at Ennis, not knowing how to explain to this simple, complex man that he would do whatever it took to help Ennis avoid any more pain, but he was met with the slow, even breathing of his sleeping lover.
Chapter 14
Dear Julia,
Sorry I haven't written in so long, but you know how life gets in the way. I've got a lot to talk about, some good some bad, so this could go on for a while.
Work is going better than ever, I've got a state contract that should keep me busy for about two years. Ranchers around here are getting more and more open to the technology, and they're getting money for using it, so it's a win-win for them. It really will help with their production numbers, and they can keep track of stock, inventory, and sales faster and with a lot more accuracy.
Being back home after living in LA for so long is a lot different, harder to get used to than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because Mom and Dad are gone, I don't know. When I first got back here, it felt right being home, and I settled in pretty good. But with them gone, and I don't really know anybody from “the old days”, it can be kind of lonely. I'm getting used to it, though, but hoping it will get better.
And you'll never guess what I started doing to eat up some time and maybe try to meet people: learning how to ride a horse. OK, you can stop laughing now. I was starting to sit home too much, starting to live in the past and I know first hand that once you start on that trail, it leads you nowhere fast. And riding gets me outside, I never appreciated how beautiful this state is before. Riding is a lot more work than I thought, I was really sore in the beginning, but I'm getting pretty good. I'm even thinking of buying my own horse, maybe show in some local rodeos.
The guy that gave my my first few lessons is named Ennis Del Mar, and I guess he's the real reason I'm writing.
He was born and raised here, knows it like the back of his hand, and he knows everything about horses, too; he's foreman at a ranch called Slate River. I have learned a lot from that man, and I'm not just talking about riding.
I fell in love with him, Jules, and it's no good because it's just not working.
It's a long story and tires me out just to think about it. But I have to tell you, tell somebody.
We had a rough beginning, but after a while we settled into a routine. It might not be the most exciting way to live, but you know me, I like knowing what's coming, no big surprises.
Well, at the time I thought we were settling into a routine. After a while, I noticed that he was preoccupied a lot, he'd get quiet all the time, didn't want to be bothered, sometimes we'd go a couple of weeks without seeing each other, and I never got an explanation of where he'd been or what he'd been doing. And he doesn't like to talk about himself, actually he doesn't like to talk much about anything except maybe horses, so finding out anything is like pulling teeth.
One night, I guess I was pouring the whiskey a little fast, but he started to open up, and I got the gist of the story, though not all of it by any means.
In 1963, he was nineteen, he and another guy worked together up in the mountains. They started an affair that carried on 20 years or so – even though they both got married and didn't see each other very much. Like I said, I haven't heard the whole story, I have as many questions as you do. He said that Jack died – I don't know how or when – and Ennis never got over it. I never bring it up, but a few weeks ago he started talking about it, and let me know that he wouldn't ever get over Jack, didn't even want to.
I swear, it's like having three in our bed when there ought to be just two. And, of course, that's where the problem is: if he doesn't want to get over it, and I can't fight a ghost alone, what chance is there?
It's like he saves all his feelings for Jack, he thinks about him, wants the past to be the present, wants to make up for something he said Jack asked for and Ennis couldn't give him. He pulls away from me, gives his feelings to a dead man. Who could compete with that...I know that I don't even want to try.
At first I thought I could.
Ennis is so different from anybody I ever knew, I really thought it would be worth it to try to get through to him. Although it's hard to explain exactly what it is about him I find so appealing. He’s a good man, works hard, he’s honest, loves his daughters (more later), but there’s more to it than that…
I don't know...when we're together it's like there's time for everything, no deadline, no hurry...you know? And it's not just that it's a trait in him, but he makes me feel that way, too…first time in my life that I’ve slowed down to look at things and really see them.
It's not something I would ever describe as needing or wanting in someone...but after I finally figured it out...it means everything now...and I've only ever felt that way with him.
And with the one exception of Jack, no matter what's going on, it's ok...there's no stress, just peace.
But of course, the exception is ruining us. Sometimes he's like a stranger to me, and sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone I've ever known.
He's fifty-three, nine years older than me and it's not so much an age difference as a life difference, our past and our present...very different. He won't talk at all about his childhood, I take it he grew up poor and has done ranch work all his life. Once I asked him what it was like growing up, and he said, “What're you, a shrink?”, so I pretty much dropped that as a topic of conversation. So all I get are bits and pieces, asking questions a few at a time.
Being foreman at this ranch means a lot to him, he doesn't mind talking about that, he gets down right animated – for him, that is.
Said he figured he'd be a ranch hand all his life until the foreman job came up. And he's good at it too; knows horses inside out, and he's a good teacher. A little - ok a lot - on the taciturn side, but he's patient, like I said, and explains things so they make sense to a beginner. I've seen him with his twelve year old granddaughter, he's great with her...patience of a saint.
He has a cabin in the foothills, you should see it, Jules, it's amazing. It's about an hour from town but you'd think you were in Shangri-La, at least I did.
You know me, I was always a city guy - once I found a real city. LA, Santa Barbara, any city up or down the coast - love it. Even New York, remember that long weekend?
But this – I'll tell you, at first I thought I'd hate it, because what the hell do you do on a mountain? But Ennis sure can make things interesting, and please keep your mind out of the gutter, I'll get to that later...
We trailer the horses up and ride in the hills, amazing views, vistas that go on forever. And the sounds! Birds. That's it, all kinds of birds. But no cars, trucks, fumes, yelling, people, voices. None of that, just us.
We were going up every weekend in the beginning, and I hated to leave on Sunday afternoons. But after a while his moods and silences and leaving me out started to get to me, so I stopped going. I tried like hell to get over it, even started seeing someone else, another riding instructor, a woman named Deborah. Yeah, yeah, I know. And you're right...it was a bad idea from the start and it didn't work.
You know, I wish you and I could have lived to be an old married couple. Time seems to move so slow, then you look around and it's another year, then another...and you're trying to figure out what the hell happened.
I'm just glad we had our time together. Sometimes I wonder why we didn't have any kids; no time, I guess...too busy living, working. Seems like lousy reasons not to have a family. I guess like everybody, we thought we had all the time in the world, always time to have kids later. We barely got started.
Well, guess that's it for now. Thanks for listening, it did me good to let this out. I have no idea where this is going, or if we have it in us to make it work…I just know I can’t do it alone.
And those things I said about Ennis...about feeling closer to him than anyone...you and I talked about it...about how death gives an understanding of all things...so I know you understand...I'd never say anything to hurt you, Jules.
Love you still,
Travis
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1500
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
He was starting to hope that Travis didn’t fuck this up before he even got started. Or maybe that’s exactly what he was hoping for...then he could go away from here, back where he started, where he belonged. Was that where he wanted to be, or was it here? Fuck if he knew.
Even as he spoke his thoughts were going back, he couldn’t stop them, didn’t want to stop them, but he was fighting hard to get the words out, wasn’t even sure that he was able to share this with anyone. How do you explain Jack Twist?
Travis opened his eyes to look at Ennis, not knowing how to explain to this simple, complex man that he would do whatever it took to help Ennis avoid any more pain, but he was met with the slow, even breathing of his sleeping lover.
Chapter 14
Dear Julia,
Sorry I haven't written in so long, but you know how life gets in the way. I've got a lot to talk about, some good some bad, so this could go on for a while.
Work is going better than ever, I've got a state contract that should keep me busy for about two years. Ranchers around here are getting more and more open to the technology, and they're getting money for using it, so it's a win-win for them. It really will help with their production numbers, and they can keep track of stock, inventory, and sales faster and with a lot more accuracy.
Being back home after living in LA for so long is a lot different, harder to get used to than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because Mom and Dad are gone, I don't know. When I first got back here, it felt right being home, and I settled in pretty good. But with them gone, and I don't really know anybody from “the old days”, it can be kind of lonely. I'm getting used to it, though, but hoping it will get better.
And you'll never guess what I started doing to eat up some time and maybe try to meet people: learning how to ride a horse. OK, you can stop laughing now. I was starting to sit home too much, starting to live in the past and I know first hand that once you start on that trail, it leads you nowhere fast. And riding gets me outside, I never appreciated how beautiful this state is before. Riding is a lot more work than I thought, I was really sore in the beginning, but I'm getting pretty good. I'm even thinking of buying my own horse, maybe show in some local rodeos.
The guy that gave my my first few lessons is named Ennis Del Mar, and I guess he's the real reason I'm writing.
He was born and raised here, knows it like the back of his hand, and he knows everything about horses, too; he's foreman at a ranch called Slate River. I have learned a lot from that man, and I'm not just talking about riding.
I fell in love with him, Jules, and it's no good because it's just not working.
It's a long story and tires me out just to think about it. But I have to tell you, tell somebody.
We had a rough beginning, but after a while we settled into a routine. It might not be the most exciting way to live, but you know me, I like knowing what's coming, no big surprises.
Well, at the time I thought we were settling into a routine. After a while, I noticed that he was preoccupied a lot, he'd get quiet all the time, didn't want to be bothered, sometimes we'd go a couple of weeks without seeing each other, and I never got an explanation of where he'd been or what he'd been doing. And he doesn't like to talk about himself, actually he doesn't like to talk much about anything except maybe horses, so finding out anything is like pulling teeth.
One night, I guess I was pouring the whiskey a little fast, but he started to open up, and I got the gist of the story, though not all of it by any means.
In 1963, he was nineteen, he and another guy worked together up in the mountains. They started an affair that carried on 20 years or so – even though they both got married and didn't see each other very much. Like I said, I haven't heard the whole story, I have as many questions as you do. He said that Jack died – I don't know how or when – and Ennis never got over it. I never bring it up, but a few weeks ago he started talking about it, and let me know that he wouldn't ever get over Jack, didn't even want to.
I swear, it's like having three in our bed when there ought to be just two. And, of course, that's where the problem is: if he doesn't want to get over it, and I can't fight a ghost alone, what chance is there?
It's like he saves all his feelings for Jack, he thinks about him, wants the past to be the present, wants to make up for something he said Jack asked for and Ennis couldn't give him. He pulls away from me, gives his feelings to a dead man. Who could compete with that...I know that I don't even want to try.
At first I thought I could.
Ennis is so different from anybody I ever knew, I really thought it would be worth it to try to get through to him. Although it's hard to explain exactly what it is about him I find so appealing. He’s a good man, works hard, he’s honest, loves his daughters (more later), but there’s more to it than that…
I don't know...when we're together it's like there's time for everything, no deadline, no hurry...you know? And it's not just that it's a trait in him, but he makes me feel that way, too…first time in my life that I’ve slowed down to look at things and really see them.
It's not something I would ever describe as needing or wanting in someone...but after I finally figured it out...it means everything now...and I've only ever felt that way with him.
And with the one exception of Jack, no matter what's going on, it's ok...there's no stress, just peace.
But of course, the exception is ruining us. Sometimes he's like a stranger to me, and sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone I've ever known.
He's fifty-three, nine years older than me and it's not so much an age difference as a life difference, our past and our present...very different. He won't talk at all about his childhood, I take it he grew up poor and has done ranch work all his life. Once I asked him what it was like growing up, and he said, “What're you, a shrink?”, so I pretty much dropped that as a topic of conversation. So all I get are bits and pieces, asking questions a few at a time.
Being foreman at this ranch means a lot to him, he doesn't mind talking about that, he gets down right animated – for him, that is.
Said he figured he'd be a ranch hand all his life until the foreman job came up. And he's good at it too; knows horses inside out, and he's a good teacher. A little - ok a lot - on the taciturn side, but he's patient, like I said, and explains things so they make sense to a beginner. I've seen him with his twelve year old granddaughter, he's great with her...patience of a saint.
He has a cabin in the foothills, you should see it, Jules, it's amazing. It's about an hour from town but you'd think you were in Shangri-La, at least I did.
You know me, I was always a city guy - once I found a real city. LA, Santa Barbara, any city up or down the coast - love it. Even New York, remember that long weekend?
But this – I'll tell you, at first I thought I'd hate it, because what the hell do you do on a mountain? But Ennis sure can make things interesting, and please keep your mind out of the gutter, I'll get to that later...
We trailer the horses up and ride in the hills, amazing views, vistas that go on forever. And the sounds! Birds. That's it, all kinds of birds. But no cars, trucks, fumes, yelling, people, voices. None of that, just us.
We were going up every weekend in the beginning, and I hated to leave on Sunday afternoons. But after a while his moods and silences and leaving me out started to get to me, so I stopped going. I tried like hell to get over it, even started seeing someone else, another riding instructor, a woman named Deborah. Yeah, yeah, I know. And you're right...it was a bad idea from the start and it didn't work.
You know, I wish you and I could have lived to be an old married couple. Time seems to move so slow, then you look around and it's another year, then another...and you're trying to figure out what the hell happened.
I'm just glad we had our time together. Sometimes I wonder why we didn't have any kids; no time, I guess...too busy living, working. Seems like lousy reasons not to have a family. I guess like everybody, we thought we had all the time in the world, always time to have kids later. We barely got started.
Well, guess that's it for now. Thanks for listening, it did me good to let this out. I have no idea where this is going, or if we have it in us to make it work…I just know I can’t do it alone.
And those things I said about Ennis...about feeling closer to him than anyone...you and I talked about it...about how death gives an understanding of all things...so I know you understand...I'd never say anything to hurt you, Jules.
Love you still,
Travis
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Date: 2012-03-16 10:24 pm (UTC)