All Things Considered, 16
Mar. 17th, 2012 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 16
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2800
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
I'll never get over Jack, I told him that.
All right, then...maybe not get over him...maybe he wants to try to help you accept it, maybe be able to think back and remember how it was; that's what he said, accept it and move on...not forget.
“I didn’t want to push too hard, didn’t want to push you away, but you’re sure pushing me wherever you want me to be. You tell me to come and go and I do it. Well, sorry, friend. I know you’re not over Jack yet and now that’s not my problem. It’s all yours, just the way you wanted it all along.”
Ennis looked at the name...Brian. What did you expect?
Visiting a friend – Well, that's fuckin' perfect...
Chapter 16
"God, I can't believe how much I missed it out here, didn't even realize it until now. And I can't believe you still have this piece of shit, can't you afford a real car?”
They were driving up highway 101 in Brian's old army Jeep.
"I love this thing, and yes, I can afford a real one. I have a Hummer in the garage.”
"Oh, so you have a bigger piece of shit in the garage. Ever hear of a luxury car? You have the money.”
"The Hummer’s not exactly a VW bus...anything else you'd like to ask me?”
"We've got to go to Napa while I'm here, I love it up there. Me and Jules always wanted to...Anyway, I'd like to go for a day or two.”
Brian glanced over at his friend of more than ten years, “So how are you really doing? You haven't said much since I picked you up at SFO yesterday. What's going on?”
Travis didn't even know where to begin, and it was almost like he knew how Ennis felt: he didn't want to talk about it yet.
"There are a few things going on, but let me enjoy this for a while, then we'll catch up.”
"OK. Any place special you want to go to eat? Must be a while since you've had a good meal – I mean, there can't be that many great restaurants back there.”
"You got that right. Lots of home cookin', as they say. How about North Beach Restaurant.”
They spent the time over their meal talking about the Giants and the 49er's, the high cost of real estate in Silicon Valley, how long they had to work until they could retire, and Brian made Travis groan with envy as he told of his recent ten day trip to the Big Island.
The two had met at work, Travis newly married and newly hired as IT manager, Brian the Director of HR. They had a lot in common and quickly became friends, taking advantage of the company's Giants season tickets, going to the same gym, playing in the monthly poker games.
Brian was openly gay and had made a half-hearted attempt to come on to Travis once, but Travis was committed to Julia, was happy in the marriage, didn't want to jeopardize it for feelings he was unsure of.
Travis didn't like labels and had never tagged himself with one. The short, unfulfilling relationship he'd had with his roommate before his marriage had not stirred undeniable feelings in him. It would only be much later, after meeting, knowing, falling in love with Ennis, that he acknowledged that he had loved a woman, Jules, and that he now loved a man, Ennis.
After another day of sleeping, eating and discussing generalities, Travis decided he needed to open up and talk to Brian about Ennis, if only for his own sanity. They were sitting at the built-in bar in Brian's San Francisco loft, drinking twenty year old Scotch, the magnificent view of Alcatraz and the Bay as a back drop.
Travis started off easy, “This view is almost enough to make me move back to California, but I couldn't go back to LA, it would have to be north, somewhere around here, maybe Marin. Wyoming's beautiful and one thing is better there: lack of crowds. Too many people here.”
"Everybody wants to live in paradise.”
"Yeah.” He sipped his drink then got up and walked to the window.
“OK, here's what happened...”
He told Brian the whole story, ending with Ennis's second flat-out refusal to accept any help from Travis, his total inability to commit to anything because of Jack.
Brian listened quietly, and if he was surprised that Travis's problem was a man, he didn't show it. He knew Travis didn't want sympathy or answers and he offered neither. He just needed to bounce his own thoughts off someone.
"So you have options. What's your gut telling you?”
Travis laughed shortly, “To run.”
"Do you love him?”
Travis thought that would be a quick “yes” answer, but hearing it out loud from someone made him stop.
"That is hard to answer. I have strong feelings for him. If he was available to me emotionally I'd say yes, without a doubt. But the more I try to reach him, the more closed off he gets...sometimes I think that we don't understand each other at all. Other times...Jesus, it's great. Maybe we're just too different, we hardly have anything in common, now that I think about it...”
"You trying to talk yourself out of it?"
Travis moved to sit on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table while Brian refilled their glasses then sat down across from him.
"You said you tried to tell him that you'd help him get over that guy, Jack, but did you let him know it was ok for him not to forget? Maybe he thinks that you won't accept anything but a hundred percent – that it can only be all you or all Jack. There has to be room for both of you, just like you'll always have room for Julia, you'll never forget her.”
Travis rested his head back and thought about it. It was a good point – maybe he had made it sound like that, like he wanted Ennis to forget. He knew he'd never forget Jules, why should he expect Ennis to give up Jack's memory? He didn't – but had he said that?
"It could be that I wasn't making it clear. Of course I never meant that he should forget about Jack. But we have such different ways of dealing with this loss that we both have. I know that I can remember Jules and still love Ennis. But Ennis seems crippled by his memories, he can't or won't move forward, he won't allow himself to love anyone else.”
Brian stood up, “We have plenty of time to go over this, let's get out of here and grab some dinner. And tomorrow night's poker night, want to go?
"Why not?”
Ennis looked up from the rows of numbers in front of him. He'd been going over barn supply inventory but everything was a blur, he couldn't concentrate. It was past six so he marked his place in the stack of papers, got his coat and walked out to his truck. It was getting close to spring, the days were lengthening ever so slightly, and he could make out the sharp outline of the mountains in the distance against the light behind them as the sun fell.
He thought about stopping at Nick's but drove past the street that would take him there, went home instead. He thought of the things he should get done tonight: call Junior, start to write up a schedule for the next two weeks, review the list of mares that were going to be sold, call Travis in California. He could always put that one off for a while...couldn't he?
Ennis was walking towards him...but in slow motion...he watched the movement of his body...anticipated his touch...eyes closing slowly...opening to take in the picture of him...tall and lean ... strong hands...arms coming up as he reached him...arms curling around his back...he could feel the pressure as he pulled him closer...looked into his eyes...heard words he'd never heard from him before...I want to...I need you to help me...will you still be there...
Travis opened his eyes in the dark and he knew at once what was at the root of Ennis's real fear.
It wasn't just forgetting Jack...it was opening himself up again, giving himself over to someone who might leave him, being afraid to possibly face another life-shattering loss.
Why hadn't he seen that before now? Why hadn't Ennis ever said...It wasn't just Jack! It was true he couldn't fight a ghost, but he sure as hell could make Ennis know that he was safe, that Travis wouldn't just leave, or worse, that something would happen to him, like it had happened to Jack.
Sounded so easy...He closed his eyes, slept deep and dreamless...
“Are you sure you want to go back there? You fit in here pretty good, you know. It didn't take you any time at all to get reacquainted with good food, good wine...how many bottles are you having shipped from Napa? Two dozen? That should last a few weeks at least.”
Brian was only half-kidding. He wanted Travis to stay, would enjoy having him close by, as a friend...and who knows what would happen if he was around all the time...
“I'm sure. I love it here...as a visitor, and it didn't hurt that you have a great place with a great view, and you know how to show a guy a good time.”
He laughed as he said it; it had been strictly a friendly visit, and he was sorry if Brian wanted more, but he was already in love. “I can't wait to get back home, I miss the open...the mountains...”
“What the hell do you call the Sierras...hills? All right, all right...go back to the country, and to your cowboy. But you know you're welcome here any time. And if it works out with you and Ennis, what better place to visit than San Francisco? I'll keep the guest room ready.”
Travis leaned back in his seat, glad he had upgraded to first class, glad he had some space around him, some relative quiet to think of what he was going to say to Ennis.
That was a damn good question: what was he going to say? And what about Ennis...that man sure could take over his mind...Travis was pretty sure Ennis had no idea how much he had invaded his thoughts, his life. Did he think Travis was just saying empty words, things that he didn't mean? Or was he wound so tightly within himself that he couldn't even see past it? Was he so crippled by his fear and pain that it was all he knew? Travis figured all of the above.
He landed before noon and picked up the rental car, drove to his house and threw all his stuff on the bed. After a quick shower he changed into jeans, shirt and boots and took off for Slate River. He couldn't wait to see Ennis, couldn't wait to tell him...everything.
“Whoa...whoa...easy baby...”
Ennis crooned softly to the three year old gray gelding he'd been working with, getting him used to a saddle for the first time. He used his voice and hands to make the horse feel safe, at ease with the foreign object that was resting across his back.
He rubbed his hands gently across the young horse's neck, down his legs, across his chest, no sudden movements, talking all the while, his voice low and soothing, the horse apprehensive but listening to the sound, feeling the touch, not backing away from Ennis, accepting the feeling of weight on his back.
After a few minutes of the saddle just resting on his back, Ennis reached up and lifted it off, “Good boy...good boy...see, not so bad...”
He untied the lead rope and turned to walk the horse back to his stall when he looked up and saw Travis sitting on the fence at the other end of the arena.
He walked the horse that way as Travis jumped off the fence and met them halfway.
“When did you get back?”
“Few hours ago.”
Ennis was surprised to hear that, surprised that Travis had just gotten back and had come right to the ranch – surprised and happy. But he still didn't know what to say, or do.
“How was the fuckin' Sunshine State?”
Travis smiled at Ennis's intentional misstatement, “No, that's Florida, California is the fuckin' Golden State. And it was good, good to go to some of my old favorite places, saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. It was a good time.”
They started walking back towards the barn, Ennis staring straight ahead as he said, “Been lousy around here...pretty quiet....not much goin' on.” As always with Travis, he wanted to say more, didn't know how...or how it would be received.
“Are you about done here? I still have to take the rental car back, get something to eat, do laundry...vacation's over, back to the real world. Do you want to come back to my place?”
Travis had made it easy for Ennis again, and he sighed with relief, “Yeah, I'd like to. Just let me put the horse away...can you wait for a minute or you want me to meet you there?”
“No, I can wait. You can follow me back to return the rental…and we’ll have to pick up some food to go, I've got nothing at the house.”
Two hours later Travis sank back into a chair in his living room and put his feet up on the coffee table, “I am so tired, glad tomorrow's only Saturday, so at least I have a couple days to get over my vacation.”
“Yeah, must be tough havin' all that time off. I'm pretty relaxed myself, since I worked all week.”
“Good one. Ok, I'll stop complaining. I have some pictures of the trip if you want to see them. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to, but we made it up to Napa, I think you'd like it."
Ennis didn't know if he was ready to look at pictures of Travis on vacation with Brad, or whatever the hell his name was, so he hesitated, but Travis had already gotten the pictures from the kitchen counter, and handed them to him.
Ennis flipped through them quickly, saw scenery, no people.
"Nice hills."
"Well, I guess that should be considered high praise, coming from you. We should go out there some time, maybe just for a long weekend, it's a short flight."
Ennis laughed. He couldn't see himself on a plane or on a vacation. And California? No way. He had everything he needed.
"No thanks, I'll stick with what I got here."
He wanted to drop the subject, but he wanted to know more, and he hated the feeling of jealousy that was starting to rise in him. "So you and Brad had a good time, good for you."
"Brian. I stayed with Brian, he's a friend of mine, I've known him for years."
Ennis tried to stop himself, but he kept going. "Know him pretty good, do ya?”
“Oh, for crissakes, Ennis. There’s nothing between us, we’re just friends.”
Travis refused to be pulled into a fight about this. He leaned forward and brushed Ennis’s face with his fingers, softened his voice to try to make up for – what? He hadn't done anything wrong...
“There was never anything between me and Brian – we never slept together.”
Ennis flinched at the phrase, but didn’t pull back. Travis’s hand moved lightly over Ennis’s neck, then he sat back.
“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Ennis.” It came out much harsher than he’d meant it to, that one short sentence capturing and conveying the months of anguish he’d endured at Ennis’s hand, a way to turn some of that back on him....
Ennis scowled, his face closed up and dark, he got up and walked to the door, “None a my business who ya fuck.”
Jesus, how had it gotten to this? He’d been so glad to see Travis…but he had lingering doubts…he didn’t realize until now that he’d been shoving down these jealous feelings ever since he had learned that Travis was leaving town, they only got more intense when he had received the contact phone number for his friend, Brian. Feelings about the damn trip, the “friend”, what it all meant. He felt like he had no control over this, and he reacted in his usual way.
Travis reached over and grabbed his arm but Ennis wrenched it free, all sense gone, running on sheer feeling. Travis stood up and put his hand on Ennis's shoulder and now when he spoke his voice was strained, heavy with unmistakable sadness...he was giving up.
He was too tired of all this to fight Ennis if he was only going to push him away again. Let him push...he'd go away.
“Ennis, haven’t you been listening to me for the past year?” He dropped his hand and turned away. “I don’t have any feelings for Brian, I told you, he’s a friend.”
Ennis must have heard something different in his voice, he looked around, and barely heard the words as Travis walked away.
“I don’t love him...I love you.”
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2800
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
I'll never get over Jack, I told him that.
All right, then...maybe not get over him...maybe he wants to try to help you accept it, maybe be able to think back and remember how it was; that's what he said, accept it and move on...not forget.
“I didn’t want to push too hard, didn’t want to push you away, but you’re sure pushing me wherever you want me to be. You tell me to come and go and I do it. Well, sorry, friend. I know you’re not over Jack yet and now that’s not my problem. It’s all yours, just the way you wanted it all along.”
Ennis looked at the name...Brian. What did you expect?
Visiting a friend – Well, that's fuckin' perfect...
Chapter 16
"God, I can't believe how much I missed it out here, didn't even realize it until now. And I can't believe you still have this piece of shit, can't you afford a real car?”
They were driving up highway 101 in Brian's old army Jeep.
"I love this thing, and yes, I can afford a real one. I have a Hummer in the garage.”
"Oh, so you have a bigger piece of shit in the garage. Ever hear of a luxury car? You have the money.”
"The Hummer’s not exactly a VW bus...anything else you'd like to ask me?”
"We've got to go to Napa while I'm here, I love it up there. Me and Jules always wanted to...Anyway, I'd like to go for a day or two.”
Brian glanced over at his friend of more than ten years, “So how are you really doing? You haven't said much since I picked you up at SFO yesterday. What's going on?”
Travis didn't even know where to begin, and it was almost like he knew how Ennis felt: he didn't want to talk about it yet.
"There are a few things going on, but let me enjoy this for a while, then we'll catch up.”
"OK. Any place special you want to go to eat? Must be a while since you've had a good meal – I mean, there can't be that many great restaurants back there.”
"You got that right. Lots of home cookin', as they say. How about North Beach Restaurant.”
They spent the time over their meal talking about the Giants and the 49er's, the high cost of real estate in Silicon Valley, how long they had to work until they could retire, and Brian made Travis groan with envy as he told of his recent ten day trip to the Big Island.
The two had met at work, Travis newly married and newly hired as IT manager, Brian the Director of HR. They had a lot in common and quickly became friends, taking advantage of the company's Giants season tickets, going to the same gym, playing in the monthly poker games.
Brian was openly gay and had made a half-hearted attempt to come on to Travis once, but Travis was committed to Julia, was happy in the marriage, didn't want to jeopardize it for feelings he was unsure of.
Travis didn't like labels and had never tagged himself with one. The short, unfulfilling relationship he'd had with his roommate before his marriage had not stirred undeniable feelings in him. It would only be much later, after meeting, knowing, falling in love with Ennis, that he acknowledged that he had loved a woman, Jules, and that he now loved a man, Ennis.
After another day of sleeping, eating and discussing generalities, Travis decided he needed to open up and talk to Brian about Ennis, if only for his own sanity. They were sitting at the built-in bar in Brian's San Francisco loft, drinking twenty year old Scotch, the magnificent view of Alcatraz and the Bay as a back drop.
Travis started off easy, “This view is almost enough to make me move back to California, but I couldn't go back to LA, it would have to be north, somewhere around here, maybe Marin. Wyoming's beautiful and one thing is better there: lack of crowds. Too many people here.”
"Everybody wants to live in paradise.”
"Yeah.” He sipped his drink then got up and walked to the window.
“OK, here's what happened...”
He told Brian the whole story, ending with Ennis's second flat-out refusal to accept any help from Travis, his total inability to commit to anything because of Jack.
Brian listened quietly, and if he was surprised that Travis's problem was a man, he didn't show it. He knew Travis didn't want sympathy or answers and he offered neither. He just needed to bounce his own thoughts off someone.
"So you have options. What's your gut telling you?”
Travis laughed shortly, “To run.”
"Do you love him?”
Travis thought that would be a quick “yes” answer, but hearing it out loud from someone made him stop.
"That is hard to answer. I have strong feelings for him. If he was available to me emotionally I'd say yes, without a doubt. But the more I try to reach him, the more closed off he gets...sometimes I think that we don't understand each other at all. Other times...Jesus, it's great. Maybe we're just too different, we hardly have anything in common, now that I think about it...”
"You trying to talk yourself out of it?"
Travis moved to sit on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table while Brian refilled their glasses then sat down across from him.
"You said you tried to tell him that you'd help him get over that guy, Jack, but did you let him know it was ok for him not to forget? Maybe he thinks that you won't accept anything but a hundred percent – that it can only be all you or all Jack. There has to be room for both of you, just like you'll always have room for Julia, you'll never forget her.”
Travis rested his head back and thought about it. It was a good point – maybe he had made it sound like that, like he wanted Ennis to forget. He knew he'd never forget Jules, why should he expect Ennis to give up Jack's memory? He didn't – but had he said that?
"It could be that I wasn't making it clear. Of course I never meant that he should forget about Jack. But we have such different ways of dealing with this loss that we both have. I know that I can remember Jules and still love Ennis. But Ennis seems crippled by his memories, he can't or won't move forward, he won't allow himself to love anyone else.”
Brian stood up, “We have plenty of time to go over this, let's get out of here and grab some dinner. And tomorrow night's poker night, want to go?
"Why not?”
Ennis looked up from the rows of numbers in front of him. He'd been going over barn supply inventory but everything was a blur, he couldn't concentrate. It was past six so he marked his place in the stack of papers, got his coat and walked out to his truck. It was getting close to spring, the days were lengthening ever so slightly, and he could make out the sharp outline of the mountains in the distance against the light behind them as the sun fell.
He thought about stopping at Nick's but drove past the street that would take him there, went home instead. He thought of the things he should get done tonight: call Junior, start to write up a schedule for the next two weeks, review the list of mares that were going to be sold, call Travis in California. He could always put that one off for a while...couldn't he?
Ennis was walking towards him...but in slow motion...he watched the movement of his body...anticipated his touch...eyes closing slowly...opening to take in the picture of him...tall and lean ... strong hands...arms coming up as he reached him...arms curling around his back...he could feel the pressure as he pulled him closer...looked into his eyes...heard words he'd never heard from him before...I want to...I need you to help me...will you still be there...
Travis opened his eyes in the dark and he knew at once what was at the root of Ennis's real fear.
It wasn't just forgetting Jack...it was opening himself up again, giving himself over to someone who might leave him, being afraid to possibly face another life-shattering loss.
Why hadn't he seen that before now? Why hadn't Ennis ever said...It wasn't just Jack! It was true he couldn't fight a ghost, but he sure as hell could make Ennis know that he was safe, that Travis wouldn't just leave, or worse, that something would happen to him, like it had happened to Jack.
Sounded so easy...He closed his eyes, slept deep and dreamless...
“Are you sure you want to go back there? You fit in here pretty good, you know. It didn't take you any time at all to get reacquainted with good food, good wine...how many bottles are you having shipped from Napa? Two dozen? That should last a few weeks at least.”
Brian was only half-kidding. He wanted Travis to stay, would enjoy having him close by, as a friend...and who knows what would happen if he was around all the time...
“I'm sure. I love it here...as a visitor, and it didn't hurt that you have a great place with a great view, and you know how to show a guy a good time.”
He laughed as he said it; it had been strictly a friendly visit, and he was sorry if Brian wanted more, but he was already in love. “I can't wait to get back home, I miss the open...the mountains...”
“What the hell do you call the Sierras...hills? All right, all right...go back to the country, and to your cowboy. But you know you're welcome here any time. And if it works out with you and Ennis, what better place to visit than San Francisco? I'll keep the guest room ready.”
Travis leaned back in his seat, glad he had upgraded to first class, glad he had some space around him, some relative quiet to think of what he was going to say to Ennis.
That was a damn good question: what was he going to say? And what about Ennis...that man sure could take over his mind...Travis was pretty sure Ennis had no idea how much he had invaded his thoughts, his life. Did he think Travis was just saying empty words, things that he didn't mean? Or was he wound so tightly within himself that he couldn't even see past it? Was he so crippled by his fear and pain that it was all he knew? Travis figured all of the above.
He landed before noon and picked up the rental car, drove to his house and threw all his stuff on the bed. After a quick shower he changed into jeans, shirt and boots and took off for Slate River. He couldn't wait to see Ennis, couldn't wait to tell him...everything.
“Whoa...whoa...easy baby...”
Ennis crooned softly to the three year old gray gelding he'd been working with, getting him used to a saddle for the first time. He used his voice and hands to make the horse feel safe, at ease with the foreign object that was resting across his back.
He rubbed his hands gently across the young horse's neck, down his legs, across his chest, no sudden movements, talking all the while, his voice low and soothing, the horse apprehensive but listening to the sound, feeling the touch, not backing away from Ennis, accepting the feeling of weight on his back.
After a few minutes of the saddle just resting on his back, Ennis reached up and lifted it off, “Good boy...good boy...see, not so bad...”
He untied the lead rope and turned to walk the horse back to his stall when he looked up and saw Travis sitting on the fence at the other end of the arena.
He walked the horse that way as Travis jumped off the fence and met them halfway.
“When did you get back?”
“Few hours ago.”
Ennis was surprised to hear that, surprised that Travis had just gotten back and had come right to the ranch – surprised and happy. But he still didn't know what to say, or do.
“How was the fuckin' Sunshine State?”
Travis smiled at Ennis's intentional misstatement, “No, that's Florida, California is the fuckin' Golden State. And it was good, good to go to some of my old favorite places, saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. It was a good time.”
They started walking back towards the barn, Ennis staring straight ahead as he said, “Been lousy around here...pretty quiet....not much goin' on.” As always with Travis, he wanted to say more, didn't know how...or how it would be received.
“Are you about done here? I still have to take the rental car back, get something to eat, do laundry...vacation's over, back to the real world. Do you want to come back to my place?”
Travis had made it easy for Ennis again, and he sighed with relief, “Yeah, I'd like to. Just let me put the horse away...can you wait for a minute or you want me to meet you there?”
“No, I can wait. You can follow me back to return the rental…and we’ll have to pick up some food to go, I've got nothing at the house.”
Two hours later Travis sank back into a chair in his living room and put his feet up on the coffee table, “I am so tired, glad tomorrow's only Saturday, so at least I have a couple days to get over my vacation.”
“Yeah, must be tough havin' all that time off. I'm pretty relaxed myself, since I worked all week.”
“Good one. Ok, I'll stop complaining. I have some pictures of the trip if you want to see them. I didn't get to do everything I wanted to, but we made it up to Napa, I think you'd like it."
Ennis didn't know if he was ready to look at pictures of Travis on vacation with Brad, or whatever the hell his name was, so he hesitated, but Travis had already gotten the pictures from the kitchen counter, and handed them to him.
Ennis flipped through them quickly, saw scenery, no people.
"Nice hills."
"Well, I guess that should be considered high praise, coming from you. We should go out there some time, maybe just for a long weekend, it's a short flight."
Ennis laughed. He couldn't see himself on a plane or on a vacation. And California? No way. He had everything he needed.
"No thanks, I'll stick with what I got here."
He wanted to drop the subject, but he wanted to know more, and he hated the feeling of jealousy that was starting to rise in him. "So you and Brad had a good time, good for you."
"Brian. I stayed with Brian, he's a friend of mine, I've known him for years."
Ennis tried to stop himself, but he kept going. "Know him pretty good, do ya?”
“Oh, for crissakes, Ennis. There’s nothing between us, we’re just friends.”
Travis refused to be pulled into a fight about this. He leaned forward and brushed Ennis’s face with his fingers, softened his voice to try to make up for – what? He hadn't done anything wrong...
“There was never anything between me and Brian – we never slept together.”
Ennis flinched at the phrase, but didn’t pull back. Travis’s hand moved lightly over Ennis’s neck, then he sat back.
“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Ennis.” It came out much harsher than he’d meant it to, that one short sentence capturing and conveying the months of anguish he’d endured at Ennis’s hand, a way to turn some of that back on him....
Ennis scowled, his face closed up and dark, he got up and walked to the door, “None a my business who ya fuck.”
Jesus, how had it gotten to this? He’d been so glad to see Travis…but he had lingering doubts…he didn’t realize until now that he’d been shoving down these jealous feelings ever since he had learned that Travis was leaving town, they only got more intense when he had received the contact phone number for his friend, Brian. Feelings about the damn trip, the “friend”, what it all meant. He felt like he had no control over this, and he reacted in his usual way.
Travis reached over and grabbed his arm but Ennis wrenched it free, all sense gone, running on sheer feeling. Travis stood up and put his hand on Ennis's shoulder and now when he spoke his voice was strained, heavy with unmistakable sadness...he was giving up.
He was too tired of all this to fight Ennis if he was only going to push him away again. Let him push...he'd go away.
“Ennis, haven’t you been listening to me for the past year?” He dropped his hand and turned away. “I don’t have any feelings for Brian, I told you, he’s a friend.”
Ennis must have heard something different in his voice, he looked around, and barely heard the words as Travis walked away.
“I don’t love him...I love you.”
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Date: 2012-03-17 04:15 pm (UTC)I know some folks don't care for MO!Ennis, but I think you've done a fine job capturing the pathological nature of Ennis' grief. He sure moves slow, but I'd rather he finds new love than die a hard shell of a man, full of bitterness and regret.
hard
Date: 2012-03-17 05:46 pm (UTC)Joe
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Date: 2012-03-18 05:34 am (UTC)I'm off to read the next chapter
thanks
Paula