All Things Considered, 17
Mar. 17th, 2012 10:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 17
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1100
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Travis opened his eyes in the dark and he knew at once what was at the root of Ennis's real fear.
It wasn't just forgetting Jack...it was opening himself up again, giving himself over to someone who might leave him, being afraid to possibly face another life-shattering loss.
“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Ennis.” It came out much harsher than he’d meant it to, that one short sentence capturing and conveying the months of anguish he’d endured at Ennis’s hand, a way to turn some of that back on him....
Ennis must have heard something different in his voice, he looked around, and barely heard the words as Travis walked away.
“I don’t love him...I love you.”
Chapter 17
Ennis stood by the door, not sure he’d heard Travis correctly.
“You can let yourself out,” Travis said over his shoulder, as he left the room and headed down the hall to his bedroom.
Ennis turned then and followed him, his mind going back to the first time he’d walked down that hallway, when Travis had taken over…helped Ennis forget, for a while, his irrational pain over losing Jack…had listened as Ennis spilled secrets that he’d never shared before, and it occurred to him now that Travis hadn’t flinched when faced with the dark things he’d heard, had never shied away from things that Ennis feared most.
He remembered now that all these months it had been Travis who had told Ennis that he would help him, that he would be there…Travis, who Ennis had pushed away, held at arm’s length...Travis, who had come back to him time and again…and who did that remind him of? How had he not seen it before? And how could he do this to Jack? His mind was reeling with confusion, indecision.
Ennis stood in the doorway of Travis’s bedroom and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, and when he spoke, his voice was dull with defeat.
“I don’t know what you want, Ennis. I thought I did…I thought…if I gave you enough time…enough room…you’d see that I was real…not a ghost…that I’d stay and be here for you…”
Ennis interrupted him, “I don’t know how to do this…”
Travis looked up, a wry smile on his lips, “Yeah, no shit, you really don’t.”
Ennis walked over and sat next to him, “I know it don’t seem like much, but I’ve given more to you than I ever did…even to Jack.”
He stopped then, shut his eyes against the words he was saying, not wanting them to be the truth...hearing Jack's voice, “It could be like this...”
“I’d got used to it bein’ like it was…missin’ Jack…feelin’ guilty…I don’t have room left for nothin else…it took everything I had and there was nothin’ left to give to you. I still don't know if I have anything to give you.”
The words and emotions came hard to Ennis, as they always had. He was trying to leave a place that was full of pain but familiar, comfortable in its misery…a place where he knew his way around…knew how long he could think of Jack before he had to pull back or risk slipping into darkness. He knew that the joy of remembering could change in an instant, and he’d be lost in an abyss of pain…and there were times when he would ignore the signs of warning, when he welcomed the guilt, if only as a way to cleanse his soul and so again allow himself the pleasure of his memories.
It always came down to this: All these years later, he didn’t know how to forgive himself.
Travis turned slightly, ran his hand up Ennis’ back, across his shoulders, feeling the hard knots of stress, felt them soften slightly beneath his touch and the sound of his voice.
“You don’t make things easy. I want to help...let me.”
Could he let Travis shoulder any of this for him...
Ennis let his eyes close, his head rested against Travis's as he leaned to the side, sighed deeply and felt some of the tension leave his body as he relaxed into Travis.
“I missed this.”
“Yeah? What part – me asking too many questions or me trying to tell you what to do?”
“Both. And this...come here.”
Ennis put his arm Travis and pulled him close, said again, “I missed this...missed you”, buried his face in Travis's neck. Travis stood, pulled Ennis to his feet...fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, breath coming fast, need surpassing want…
They broke apart to shed clothes then came back together in Travis's bed, Ennis reaching for him, arms tight around him like he could never get close enough, whispering, “Jesus, you feel so good...but it's more...you know that...it's more than this...tell me you know that...”, not giving him a chance to answer, pushing up against him, kissing him roughly, desperate to make Travis know what he was thinking…
Travis tried to reassure him, knowing he was hearing Ennis say he loved him, asking Travis to hear past the words.
And Ennis, a man not given to talking, laid himself open as he never had.
They went through the night...Ennis holding on as if Travis could save him from himself...demanding that Travis take everything Ennis offered...urging him on with desperate words...promises he wanted to keep, not knowing if he could...and asking, always asking, needing to know that Travis was hearing past his words.
Everything was different now. Words had been said, promises made on both sides, who knew if they would be kept?
They woke on Saturday morning before dawn and lay in each others arms, saying the words, repeating the promises made in the night, each needing the other to know that the words that had been spoken could stand the light of day, they didn’t have to stay hidden in the shadows.
They got up and dressed, took Ennis’s truck to the ranch to pick up horses, then drove to the cabin, where they hadn’t been together since the night Travis had left Deborah to come to Ennis.
Low clouds and fog shrouded the hills as Ennis pulled up to the cabin, sounds of the truck doors closing, their voices, the horses snorting and stamping, muffled.
Ennis unlocked the door, turned to Travis catching him unaware, grabbed his shoulders and kissed him, smiled as they broke apart.
“What’s that for?” Travis was surprised and content, for the moment, at the way things had worked out. He had gone from sadness at the thought of losing Ennis to happiness when Ennis had come to him, told Travis in his own way that he wanted it to work, that he was finally ready to try.
“Just feel good today. Didn’t get much sleep, but feel pretty good.”
In fact, Ennis felt better than pretty good. It had somehow come together in his mind…the words from Jack “every fuckin’ day’s hard”…blending with Travis’s admission of love, his ongoing offer to help Ennis recover from his past.
Add to that the fact that Ennis was finally convinced that with Travis’s help he could actually move ahead…that he could remember Jack and love Travis…
Yeah, that made it a pretty good fuckin’ day.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1100
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Travis opened his eyes in the dark and he knew at once what was at the root of Ennis's real fear.
It wasn't just forgetting Jack...it was opening himself up again, giving himself over to someone who might leave him, being afraid to possibly face another life-shattering loss.
“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Ennis.” It came out much harsher than he’d meant it to, that one short sentence capturing and conveying the months of anguish he’d endured at Ennis’s hand, a way to turn some of that back on him....
Ennis must have heard something different in his voice, he looked around, and barely heard the words as Travis walked away.
“I don’t love him...I love you.”
Chapter 17
Ennis stood by the door, not sure he’d heard Travis correctly.
“You can let yourself out,” Travis said over his shoulder, as he left the room and headed down the hall to his bedroom.
Ennis turned then and followed him, his mind going back to the first time he’d walked down that hallway, when Travis had taken over…helped Ennis forget, for a while, his irrational pain over losing Jack…had listened as Ennis spilled secrets that he’d never shared before, and it occurred to him now that Travis hadn’t flinched when faced with the dark things he’d heard, had never shied away from things that Ennis feared most.
He remembered now that all these months it had been Travis who had told Ennis that he would help him, that he would be there…Travis, who Ennis had pushed away, held at arm’s length...Travis, who had come back to him time and again…and who did that remind him of? How had he not seen it before? And how could he do this to Jack? His mind was reeling with confusion, indecision.
Ennis stood in the doorway of Travis’s bedroom and saw him sitting on the edge of the bed, and when he spoke, his voice was dull with defeat.
“I don’t know what you want, Ennis. I thought I did…I thought…if I gave you enough time…enough room…you’d see that I was real…not a ghost…that I’d stay and be here for you…”
Ennis interrupted him, “I don’t know how to do this…”
Travis looked up, a wry smile on his lips, “Yeah, no shit, you really don’t.”
Ennis walked over and sat next to him, “I know it don’t seem like much, but I’ve given more to you than I ever did…even to Jack.”
He stopped then, shut his eyes against the words he was saying, not wanting them to be the truth...hearing Jack's voice, “It could be like this...”
“I’d got used to it bein’ like it was…missin’ Jack…feelin’ guilty…I don’t have room left for nothin else…it took everything I had and there was nothin’ left to give to you. I still don't know if I have anything to give you.”
The words and emotions came hard to Ennis, as they always had. He was trying to leave a place that was full of pain but familiar, comfortable in its misery…a place where he knew his way around…knew how long he could think of Jack before he had to pull back or risk slipping into darkness. He knew that the joy of remembering could change in an instant, and he’d be lost in an abyss of pain…and there were times when he would ignore the signs of warning, when he welcomed the guilt, if only as a way to cleanse his soul and so again allow himself the pleasure of his memories.
It always came down to this: All these years later, he didn’t know how to forgive himself.
Travis turned slightly, ran his hand up Ennis’ back, across his shoulders, feeling the hard knots of stress, felt them soften slightly beneath his touch and the sound of his voice.
“You don’t make things easy. I want to help...let me.”
Could he let Travis shoulder any of this for him...
Ennis let his eyes close, his head rested against Travis's as he leaned to the side, sighed deeply and felt some of the tension leave his body as he relaxed into Travis.
“I missed this.”
“Yeah? What part – me asking too many questions or me trying to tell you what to do?”
“Both. And this...come here.”
Ennis put his arm Travis and pulled him close, said again, “I missed this...missed you”, buried his face in Travis's neck. Travis stood, pulled Ennis to his feet...fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, breath coming fast, need surpassing want…
They broke apart to shed clothes then came back together in Travis's bed, Ennis reaching for him, arms tight around him like he could never get close enough, whispering, “Jesus, you feel so good...but it's more...you know that...it's more than this...tell me you know that...”, not giving him a chance to answer, pushing up against him, kissing him roughly, desperate to make Travis know what he was thinking…
Travis tried to reassure him, knowing he was hearing Ennis say he loved him, asking Travis to hear past the words.
And Ennis, a man not given to talking, laid himself open as he never had.
They went through the night...Ennis holding on as if Travis could save him from himself...demanding that Travis take everything Ennis offered...urging him on with desperate words...promises he wanted to keep, not knowing if he could...and asking, always asking, needing to know that Travis was hearing past his words.
Everything was different now. Words had been said, promises made on both sides, who knew if they would be kept?
They woke on Saturday morning before dawn and lay in each others arms, saying the words, repeating the promises made in the night, each needing the other to know that the words that had been spoken could stand the light of day, they didn’t have to stay hidden in the shadows.
They got up and dressed, took Ennis’s truck to the ranch to pick up horses, then drove to the cabin, where they hadn’t been together since the night Travis had left Deborah to come to Ennis.
Low clouds and fog shrouded the hills as Ennis pulled up to the cabin, sounds of the truck doors closing, their voices, the horses snorting and stamping, muffled.
Ennis unlocked the door, turned to Travis catching him unaware, grabbed his shoulders and kissed him, smiled as they broke apart.
“What’s that for?” Travis was surprised and content, for the moment, at the way things had worked out. He had gone from sadness at the thought of losing Ennis to happiness when Ennis had come to him, told Travis in his own way that he wanted it to work, that he was finally ready to try.
“Just feel good today. Didn’t get much sleep, but feel pretty good.”
In fact, Ennis felt better than pretty good. It had somehow come together in his mind…the words from Jack “every fuckin’ day’s hard”…blending with Travis’s admission of love, his ongoing offer to help Ennis recover from his past.
Add to that the fact that Ennis was finally convinced that with Travis’s help he could actually move ahead…that he could remember Jack and love Travis…
Yeah, that made it a pretty good fuckin’ day.
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Date: 2012-03-17 08:03 pm (UTC)