All Things Considered, 18
Mar. 17th, 2012 02:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 18
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis interrupted him, “I don’t know how to do this…”
Travis looked up, a wry smile on his lips, “Yeah, no shit, you really don’t.”
He knew that the joy of remembering could change in an instant, and he’d be lost in an abyss of pain…and there were times when he would ignore the signs of warning, when he welcomed the guilt, if only as a way to cleanse his soul and so again allow himself the pleasure of his memories.
They woke on Saturday morning before dawn and lay in each others arms, saying the words, repeating the promises made in the night, each needing the other to know that the words that had been spoken could stand the light of day, they didn’t have to stay hidden in the shadows.
Chapter 18
He tried. They both tried.
It was easy in the beginning, they both had so much hope, especially Travis. He had never really lost at anything and was certain that he knew how to reach Ennis's fear, reach it and bring it into the light so he could see it, could see that it was nothing that he couldn't overcome...it was only thoughts...only memories...
He hadn't gone into it with a plan in mind; not a “when to talk about it, what to say to him, how to get him to talk” plan. He knew better than to put a time limit on it, knew that Ennis could not be tricked or rushed, it would have to just come about, and he was more than willing to put in the time.
He listened more carefully when Ennis talked, and if he thought it was safe (meaning if they were alone, comfortable, no more than usual outside stress) he would ask a question about his past, or comment on something Ennis said. Most of their time was spent at the cabin, where they were most at ease with each other, no outside distractions. Travis loved going there, it was almost a holy place to Ennis.
And they had great times there. The summer was hot, not much rain, although they had been caught in a thunderstorm that had come from nowhere, on the way back from a ride one Saturday. They raced to the stable, Travis finishing a very distant second, and Ennis already had Mariah stripped of her tack when he pulled up.
“Gettin' better - last time I had her dried off and put away before you caught up.” Ennis was glad that Travis was still riding, still had an interest in it.
It had only been a year, but it looked like he'd riding much longer. He had stopped riding Montana and was leasing an expensive black Arabian gelding to see if he wanted to buy, which was a topic of much ridicule from Ennis, Travis's choice of an Arabian over a Quarter horse. But Travis could stand his ground in any discussion, and as he read and got more knowledgeable, they had some interesting, if sometimes heated, discussions, about the qualities of the two breeds.
Travis's wardrobe had dwindled to jeans, cotton work shirts and old boots, his dress shirts and striped ties pushed further and further to the back of the closet. His body had changed over the year, too, getting stronger and leaner from riding and working at the cabin and in the barn. He had acquired a deep suntan, after burning badly the first weeks of summer, and lines were deeper around his eyes and mouth. He let his hair grow and it fell around his ears and down his neck in waves, almost blonde from the sun.
He noticed the changes in his body but was unaware that Ennis had, until once Ennis, following him into the cabin, had slapped him on the ass and said “You're lookin' pretty good there, kid. All that ridin', doin' some real work for a change – make a man outta you yet.”
Travis had just glowered at him, but inside he loved it, loved to hear that Ennis liked the way he looked.
Without the restrictions Ennis had always placed on them, without having to hide his emotions, Travis was falling deeper in love with Ennis. He had held back over the months while he waited for Ennis to decide if he really wanted to try, and when it turned out he did, Travis let his guard down and gave everything he had, so sure was he of the outcome.
He was almost envious of Ennis...of his life as a cowboy. Travis had lately looked back on his own life and felt that he been pulled in many directions over the years, not sure of who he was at his core. He'd been born in Wyoming, then California was home. He was an IT guru and loved his computer and cell phone, though he could walk away from them without stress. And now he had thrown himself into learning to ride, Ennis teaching him the work needed to care for his horse and tack.
He could spend long afternoons reading up on the pedigrees of horses he was interested in, reading books and articles on reining, calf roping, even dressage, tack for riding, tack for training...his interest was enormous.
But he felt that Ennis had been born to it, it was his heritage, his history...Travis felt no such history, no real sense of feeling – yes, this is what I was born to do.
He said as much to Ennis as they were riding the hills, “You're lucky to have this life. It's not easy, but it's...you know who you are and what you are...you don't question yourself, you just know.”
He didn't know if he was getting his point across, but he knew what he meant. “I mean, I'm a computer guy and I'm good at it, but it's so clinical or logical or something, and what you have is so down to earth, so much to do with life and living...it's all you know, all you've ever known...shit, I don't know what I'm talking about.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes, then Ennis, the man who couldn't put words to his thoughts, said, “You’re a city boy,” he looked over at Travis, “but you got some cowboy in ya.”
And the sex...Jesus, the sex was better than it had ever been. Ennis was more experienced than Travis but he fluctuated, depending on his mood, from being almost shy to outwardly showing and voicing his preferences to Travis.
The first time it went really wrong was after a day when everything should have gone smoothly, there was no fair warning.
It was on a Friday night in late September, six months after Travis had come back from California. He had stopped at his house before meeting Ennis at the cabin and brought the day's mail with him, which, unbeknownst to him, included a letter from Brian. He tossed it, along with the other bills and junk mail, on the coffee table, took a shower and changed, joined Ennis on the deck for beer.
“Can't wait til this damn summer is over,” Travis said. There was no response from Ennis, but Travis was used to him being quiet so it didn't seem odd to him, then...
“How's your buddy Brian?”
“How should I know? What brought that up?”
“Didn't know you guys was pen-pals. Been writin' pretty regular? Tellin' him all the news from home? Except who you're fuckin', bet you don't tell him that.”
“Ennis, what are you talking about? I don't write to Brian.”
“Well, he sure as hell writes to you. There's a letter from him on my coffee table right now.”
“Oh for crissake...” Travis had no patience for Ennis's jealously, not after what he had put Travis through for a year, holding him at bay, Travis never knowing if Ennis was even going to try to work at their relationship.
He went inside and got the letter, knowing that there would be nothing in it that Ennis couldn't see.
“You got a lot of fucking nerve acting jealous after all the shit...” He ripped open the envelope.
“Here, just read the damn thing, I don't care.”
“I don't wanna read it, and it ain’t bein' jealous.”
Travis raised his voice, “What the hell would you call it? I get a letter from a friend and you're ready to fight so quick. I thought all we had to work on was Jack and whatever else you're still hiding from me, but now I can't have a man for a friend? How 'bout Deborah? You feel better if it was a letter from her?” He was so pissed that Ennis was making this into something, when it was nothing.
“You can fuck 'em both, I don't care.” Ennis was beyond making sense. “I'm goin' to bed.”
Travis sat alone on the deck, going over what had just happened.
What had just happened? Ennis had just put another brick in the wall. Didn't they have enough to work on, enough to overcome? Now jealousy, too? No fuckin' way.
Travis got up, leaving his half-empty glass and the letter, quietly left the cabin, got in his car and drove away.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis interrupted him, “I don’t know how to do this…”
Travis looked up, a wry smile on his lips, “Yeah, no shit, you really don’t.”
He knew that the joy of remembering could change in an instant, and he’d be lost in an abyss of pain…and there were times when he would ignore the signs of warning, when he welcomed the guilt, if only as a way to cleanse his soul and so again allow himself the pleasure of his memories.
They woke on Saturday morning before dawn and lay in each others arms, saying the words, repeating the promises made in the night, each needing the other to know that the words that had been spoken could stand the light of day, they didn’t have to stay hidden in the shadows.
Chapter 18
He tried. They both tried.
It was easy in the beginning, they both had so much hope, especially Travis. He had never really lost at anything and was certain that he knew how to reach Ennis's fear, reach it and bring it into the light so he could see it, could see that it was nothing that he couldn't overcome...it was only thoughts...only memories...
He hadn't gone into it with a plan in mind; not a “when to talk about it, what to say to him, how to get him to talk” plan. He knew better than to put a time limit on it, knew that Ennis could not be tricked or rushed, it would have to just come about, and he was more than willing to put in the time.
He listened more carefully when Ennis talked, and if he thought it was safe (meaning if they were alone, comfortable, no more than usual outside stress) he would ask a question about his past, or comment on something Ennis said. Most of their time was spent at the cabin, where they were most at ease with each other, no outside distractions. Travis loved going there, it was almost a holy place to Ennis.
And they had great times there. The summer was hot, not much rain, although they had been caught in a thunderstorm that had come from nowhere, on the way back from a ride one Saturday. They raced to the stable, Travis finishing a very distant second, and Ennis already had Mariah stripped of her tack when he pulled up.
“Gettin' better - last time I had her dried off and put away before you caught up.” Ennis was glad that Travis was still riding, still had an interest in it.
It had only been a year, but it looked like he'd riding much longer. He had stopped riding Montana and was leasing an expensive black Arabian gelding to see if he wanted to buy, which was a topic of much ridicule from Ennis, Travis's choice of an Arabian over a Quarter horse. But Travis could stand his ground in any discussion, and as he read and got more knowledgeable, they had some interesting, if sometimes heated, discussions, about the qualities of the two breeds.
Travis's wardrobe had dwindled to jeans, cotton work shirts and old boots, his dress shirts and striped ties pushed further and further to the back of the closet. His body had changed over the year, too, getting stronger and leaner from riding and working at the cabin and in the barn. He had acquired a deep suntan, after burning badly the first weeks of summer, and lines were deeper around his eyes and mouth. He let his hair grow and it fell around his ears and down his neck in waves, almost blonde from the sun.
He noticed the changes in his body but was unaware that Ennis had, until once Ennis, following him into the cabin, had slapped him on the ass and said “You're lookin' pretty good there, kid. All that ridin', doin' some real work for a change – make a man outta you yet.”
Travis had just glowered at him, but inside he loved it, loved to hear that Ennis liked the way he looked.
Without the restrictions Ennis had always placed on them, without having to hide his emotions, Travis was falling deeper in love with Ennis. He had held back over the months while he waited for Ennis to decide if he really wanted to try, and when it turned out he did, Travis let his guard down and gave everything he had, so sure was he of the outcome.
He was almost envious of Ennis...of his life as a cowboy. Travis had lately looked back on his own life and felt that he been pulled in many directions over the years, not sure of who he was at his core. He'd been born in Wyoming, then California was home. He was an IT guru and loved his computer and cell phone, though he could walk away from them without stress. And now he had thrown himself into learning to ride, Ennis teaching him the work needed to care for his horse and tack.
He could spend long afternoons reading up on the pedigrees of horses he was interested in, reading books and articles on reining, calf roping, even dressage, tack for riding, tack for training...his interest was enormous.
But he felt that Ennis had been born to it, it was his heritage, his history...Travis felt no such history, no real sense of feeling – yes, this is what I was born to do.
He said as much to Ennis as they were riding the hills, “You're lucky to have this life. It's not easy, but it's...you know who you are and what you are...you don't question yourself, you just know.”
He didn't know if he was getting his point across, but he knew what he meant. “I mean, I'm a computer guy and I'm good at it, but it's so clinical or logical or something, and what you have is so down to earth, so much to do with life and living...it's all you know, all you've ever known...shit, I don't know what I'm talking about.”
They rode in silence for a few minutes, then Ennis, the man who couldn't put words to his thoughts, said, “You’re a city boy,” he looked over at Travis, “but you got some cowboy in ya.”
And the sex...Jesus, the sex was better than it had ever been. Ennis was more experienced than Travis but he fluctuated, depending on his mood, from being almost shy to outwardly showing and voicing his preferences to Travis.
The first time it went really wrong was after a day when everything should have gone smoothly, there was no fair warning.
It was on a Friday night in late September, six months after Travis had come back from California. He had stopped at his house before meeting Ennis at the cabin and brought the day's mail with him, which, unbeknownst to him, included a letter from Brian. He tossed it, along with the other bills and junk mail, on the coffee table, took a shower and changed, joined Ennis on the deck for beer.
“Can't wait til this damn summer is over,” Travis said. There was no response from Ennis, but Travis was used to him being quiet so it didn't seem odd to him, then...
“How's your buddy Brian?”
“How should I know? What brought that up?”
“Didn't know you guys was pen-pals. Been writin' pretty regular? Tellin' him all the news from home? Except who you're fuckin', bet you don't tell him that.”
“Ennis, what are you talking about? I don't write to Brian.”
“Well, he sure as hell writes to you. There's a letter from him on my coffee table right now.”
“Oh for crissake...” Travis had no patience for Ennis's jealously, not after what he had put Travis through for a year, holding him at bay, Travis never knowing if Ennis was even going to try to work at their relationship.
He went inside and got the letter, knowing that there would be nothing in it that Ennis couldn't see.
“You got a lot of fucking nerve acting jealous after all the shit...” He ripped open the envelope.
“Here, just read the damn thing, I don't care.”
“I don't wanna read it, and it ain’t bein' jealous.”
Travis raised his voice, “What the hell would you call it? I get a letter from a friend and you're ready to fight so quick. I thought all we had to work on was Jack and whatever else you're still hiding from me, but now I can't have a man for a friend? How 'bout Deborah? You feel better if it was a letter from her?” He was so pissed that Ennis was making this into something, when it was nothing.
“You can fuck 'em both, I don't care.” Ennis was beyond making sense. “I'm goin' to bed.”
Travis sat alone on the deck, going over what had just happened.
What had just happened? Ennis had just put another brick in the wall. Didn't they have enough to work on, enough to overcome? Now jealousy, too? No fuckin' way.
Travis got up, leaving his half-empty glass and the letter, quietly left the cabin, got in his car and drove away.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-17 07:56 pm (UTC)Damn... what's in that letter?