All Things Considered, 19
Mar. 17th, 2012 03:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 19
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 3400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
He tried. They both tried.
“Didn't know you guys was pen-pals. Been writin' pretty regular? Tellin' him all the news from home? Except who you're fuckin', bet you don't tell him that.”
Travis got up, leaving his half-empty glass and the letter, quietly left the cabin, got in his car and drove away.
Chapter 19
Ennis heard the BMW start up, heard the hum of the engine fade as it put distance between him and Travis, then silence settled in around the house again.
He got up and walked to the living room, snapping on a light, looking for...what? Some kind of evidence that Travis wasn't gone for good after being pushed out the door...again? Turn the tables, Ennis...what would you have done?
He walked over to the glass door leading to the deck and looked out, saw Travis's glass...and the letter. He had to know what was in that letter...
Why would that guy be writing to Travis...he must want something...maybe he wanted Travis to come back to California...maybe Brian wanted to come to Wyoming to see him...that would be worse, I couldn't stand that...
I can't compete with this guy...Brian's known Travis for ten years...they had a history...but Travis said he'd never slept with Brian...I don't know if I believe that...not that Travis would lie...well, that's what you just said...
He slid the door open and stood in the doorway, staring at the letter on the table.
Just go get it, he said you could read it...why didn't you just read it while he was here, get it over with, he must know there's nothing in it, he said you could read it before he even opened it...Christ, Ennis, you're an idiot...
Stepping outside, the area dimly lit by the living room light, he leaned over and picked up Travis's half-empty glass and the letter and went back in, took the glass to the kitchen, ran it under hot water, holding the letter in the other hand, not looking at it, almost afraid of it. He turned the water off and dried his hands, then he leaned back against the counter, slowly unfolded the letter and scanned it quickly...
How have you been...weather's been cold and foggy, typical SF...work's crazy...
It was short, only a few paragraphs, nothing intimate or suggestive...then, near the bottom of the page he saw his own name...
"Hope everything's going well with you and Ennis, and that you were finally able to work things out. You were pretty stressed about it when you were here, so I'm hoping things worked out for the best. And don't forget, the guest room's still ready for both of you, if you ever get up off your ass and make it out here again.”
It had been a month since Travis had left Ennis after the letter debacle. He hadn't heard from Ennis and hadn't tried to contact him – that was all over now.
He sat at his dining room table with pen and paper making a list of changes he was going to make in his life. He was tired of having put everything on hold, he was moving forward, and would not look back.
He was fed up with being sad and worried, with watching every word he said, with being afraid that he would somehow hurt or provoke or anger Ennis...he realized he'd been walking on eggshells for over a year, it hadn't gotten him anywhere, and he was ready to get over Ennis once and for all.
The previous week he had gone over his finances with a guy at the bank, not a Wharton grad, but the best advice he could get on short notice, he would have it reevaluated later, he just wanted a rough idea of his assets.
He was living in the house he'd grown up in, paid off before his parents had died. Between the sale of his house in California, which he and Jules had bought for one hundred thousand in 1982 and which he sold for four hundred thousand in 1996 before moving back to Wyoming, and the double insurance policies on which he'd been named beneficiary for both his parents, plus his own savings, he was looking at just under a million dollars in cash. He wasn't even counting his retirement account which was also quickly approaching the mid six figures.
He quit his job.
He bought a truck.
He bought the Arabian horse he'd been leasing, already named Black Stetson and called Stetz.
He hired someone to pick up the horse from Slate River and have him moved to Mountain High, a new show barn.
He arranged to have all his Western tack sold, and worked with an instructor at the barn to get familiar with dressage tack. He went online, opened an account with Dover Saddlery and ordered a $2,600 Stubben saddle, well below the $7,600 top-of-the-line Hermes, but after all, he was just starting out. He added a Passier bridle, saddle pads, dressage whip, a pair of field boots for himself. He had a list a mile long that included all the gear he'd need for his horse for the upcoming Wyoming winter: New Zealand rug, grooming supplies, leg wraps...it went on and on.
He'd never spent money like this before, but it was not a whim. He wanted to continue to ride, and he wanted to distance himself from anything that reminded him of Ennis and that included his hobby, which was quickly becoming his main interest, his passion. Now that he wasn't working, that was how he planned to spend his time – he knew it took years to get to even a training-level range of showing but now he had the time and the money to devote to the sport. And he was going to enjoy himself.
One day Ennis showed up at the ranch and noticed at once that Travis's horse and all his tack was gone. He didn't know what it meant, though. Did he give the horse back? Move to a different ranch to train, like he had last time? He was pretty sure he wouldn't go back to Deborah Strait's training barn.
He and Travis hadn't spoken since that night, Ennis knew it was his fault, but made no move to try to correct it, mostly because he didn't know how. Well, he didn't know how to do it without making himself look like a fool, which he figured was pretty much what he was.
He was ashamed of the way he'd behaved, like a high school kid, getting jealous for no reason, not trusting Travis after all he'd put him through. But he didn't know how to fix it, how to approach him, how to say he was sorry...again. He knew he'd hurt Travis more than once, but now he pushed it to the back of his mind so he could get his work done this week, resolved to give it serious thought over the weekend, when he could think clearly.
Now that Travis had taken the first step, Ennis had to be the one to make a move back to him...or not.
“Hey, Travis, there's some old guy up at the office to see you. Said his name is Ennis. He's weird.”
Travis was sitting on Stetz in a group of 3 other riders as he listened to them debating the pros and cons of training with a running martingale. He looked at the young girl who had ridden up to give him the message.
“Nice mouth, Sarah. You know, people do get older than 19, you just don't hang around with any. I'm almost as old as him.”
“But you're not weird.” She cantered off.
He nodded to the group, “See you tomorrow, guys. I'm gonna see what this is about, then put the horse up and head home.”
It was going on three months since he'd seen Ennis, but he had no qualms about talking to him, no nervousness, no butterflies in his stomach. All that was over. He couldn't think why he would be here, but he would talk to him.
He rode up to the office and saw Ennis standing near his truck. Travis did not dismount.
“Ennis.”
“Can we talk somewhere?” He despised being on the ground while Travis was on his horse.
“About what?”
“I don't wanna talk here. Can we go to your place? Or to Nick's?”
“I got a lot to do here before I can leave. What's it about?”
“I told you I don't wanna talk about it here.”
“Well, then I guess we won't talk about it.”
He picked up his reins and started to move off, but Ennis caught Stetz's bridle.
“Travis, come on, give me a break, I just want to talk.”
Two months ago, even a month ago, Travis would have lost his temper and railed about how unfair Ennis had been to him, or broken down and agreed to meet Ennis wherever he wanted.
Now he just felt tired of it all, and he looked down at Ennis and said matter-of-factly, without anger or self-pity, “I don't owe you anything. I've got things to do. You can't come to my house and I'm not going to Nick's.”
Ennis released the bridle and looked up at Travis, no fight in him and said, “I'm asking you as a favor. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm askin' anyway.”
“You're right about that, you don't deserve it.” Travis turned Stetz around and walked down to the barn without looking back, and Ennis had no choice but to get in his truck and drive home.
Travis was happy, happier than he'd been in a long time.
He had hired a private trainer and spent all his time at the barn, training four or five hours a day. Weekends were spent attending shows as a spectator or going to training clinics if his instructor thought it was worthwhile.
Between the barn, shows and clinics, he'd met more people in three months than he had in the previous three years. He was on the run from early morning to early evening, happy with his trainer, happy with the way Stetz was settling down to his dressage work, happy to have something he liked to occupy his mind for so many hours.
In the weeks following the last scene with Ennis about the letter, he had done a lot of thinking about their time together, and he swore he wouldn't let Ennis haunt him the way Jack plagued Ennis, swore he wouldn't use his time to think of the past, or how it could have been different.
To his mind, Ennis had turned down something precious: another person who was ready to share his life – the good and the bad. He had given it back with both hands, something Travis found unbelievable, given his total agony at losing Jack. He often wondered how he could throw it away twice, when some people were not even lucky enough to have the real thing once.
And though he did his best, Ennis would still come to his mind, mostly in his dreams, when it was out of his control. Or nights when he was too tired to push the thoughts away, he would let them surface as he lay in the dark, when it almost wasn't real, when he could tell himself – just this once, no more after tonight.
But the periods of missing him were getting fewer, with more time between them, and he knew soon he would be able to think of him without longing. He had no intention of pining after Ennis, no intention of going back for more. He had been in love with him but he'd never really had any part of him, and how could he miss what he never had?
Travis grabbed the coffee and filled a cup to take with him to the barn. He should have left twenty minutes ago, but he had started to pay bills and got carried away. He was meeting the farrier and then the vet – it would be an expensive morning.
He picked up his keys, shut the door behind him and locked it, turned to walk down the steps when he saw Ennis get out of his truck in front of the house. Now fuckin' what?
“Ennis, I'm late, I don't have time to talk to you.”
“Well, when will you have time? Look, I know I was an ass, I just want some of your precious time to tell you how big an ass I was.”
“I don't need you to tell me that, I know exactly how big. What do you want from me?”
Travis turned and faced him with his arms spread, he was starting to get exasperated. “You have exactly what you want, so leave me alone. I'm not getting dragged back into that for the third time – or would it have been the forth time?”
He walked away, got in his truck and took off for the barn.
“Ennis, you're startin' to get on my nerves.”
Travis had gotten out of his truck and was walking towards Ennis, who had followed him to the barn.
“Look, goddamn it. I fucked up, OK? I know. You don't owe me shit. But I'm askin' you...”
The day had dawned clear and cool but promising warmth, sun still low, throwing the mountains into high relief against a white-blue sky, the air around the tack room smelling of the horses and saddles, alfalfa, and sweet feed.
Travis ran his hand through his hair, looked out at the mountains, fighting against this.
"Christ, Ennis."
He turned and looked him in the eyes, "What do you want from people? I gave you a hundred percent and you took it - now you want a hundred and ten?"
Ennis's voice was soft and low, and seeing Travis like this made him pissed at himself, and he was dying to touch him.
“I know...I fuckin' know. Talk to me...let me talk to you...c'mon...I'm sorry..."
"Did you tell Jack the same thing? That you were sorry?" He tried to stop then - he hadn't meant to say it, but the words kept coming.
“Jack wanted this from you, didn't he? He wanted you to be there. And you couldn't. You haven't changed at all in thirty years, do you realize that? I'm not asking you for any more than he was – and you still don't get it.”
Ennis pulled back as though struck - he had not expected that. His first reaction was to run, get out of there so he didn't have to hear those words, face that question, hear Travis say Jack's name. He knew it was his own fault, but that didn't make it any easier. He'd have to face up to it sooner or later.
"Guess I deserved that..." His gaze flew from the sky to the mountains to the ground beneath his feet, not settling on one thing for more than a few seconds. He was panicking at the thoughts that were floating through his head, thoughts he had caused to be there...his fault.
Travis interrupted, "I shouldn't have brought Jack into this conversation, I'm sorry. This is about you and me. Well, it was about you and me." He shrugged, "Now it's not. I'm not gonna do this any more, Ennis, I can't."
"Jesus Christ, Travis, come on." Ennis was desperate to get through to him, he had to make him see that it was important. "Just talk to me, I won't bother you again."
And against all common sense, Travis agreed. He didn't trust himself to be alone with Ennis in his house, the temptation would be too great - he was certain the break was complete but he was still attracted to him, he was only human, and didn't know if he could stand to be alone with him and not touch him. And he didn't want to go to Nick's - if they were going to talk, he wanted privacy, he only wanted to do this once.
He told Ennis to meet him back at Mountain High after work, they'd ride the trails that wound around the place.
He had Stetz and another horse saddled and ready when Ennis showed up early at 4:00. Ennis looked at the horse with an English saddle and said, "I can't ride on that thing."
Travis snapped at him, "Yeah, that's a great way to start. We can call this off y'know, wasn't my idea."
Ennis shut up and mounted, looking too big for the saddle and the horse, and leaned over to lengthen the leathers.
They rode out of the yard, Travis leading, and picked up a trail the bordered the property. Another few minutes and there was nothing and no one in sight, but they kept on until they came to a place Travis liked to go, a small man-made pond surrounded by large flat rocks.
They dismounted and tied the horses, and Travis looked at Ennis expectantly.
Ennis was so fucking nervous; he hadn't really planned what to say, he'd been too concerned with actually getting Travis to agree to see him; then it all rushed out.
"Look...I know I fucked up...I said I'd try, and I fucked up...but I want to try again." Travis started to smile, an incredulous "you've got to be fucking kidding me, do you think I’m out of my mind?" smile, but Ennis kept going.
"I thought about how I was never there for Jack, messed it up good where we was concerned."
He was dangerously close to choking up, as always when he said Jack’s name, so he looked away from Travis and tried to focus on the scene around him…but he would never remember the pond, the rocks, never remember anything around him, only how the lowering sun forced him to squint to see Travis's face, tanned and lined and lovely.
The sound of Jack's name made the smile leave Travis's face. Ennis was voicing what Travis had himself wondered...what happened with Jack, what really happened? And how could Ennis be so cavalier with the hearts of people who loved him so much?
He looked and shook his head, "Ennis. You know I can't. I can't do it again. How can you ask me that?"
"I just want us to talk. Go away to the cabin for a while, a week, whatever it takes and just talk about it. About everything. I want to tell you about Jack, all of it, and the other shit that I've been keeping' back. Just talk. You, too, I wanna know everything, everything we never talked about, I need to know. Then if you don't want it, I'll leave you alone, I swear. But I haven't tried like I should, you know that. Let me try. I don't wanna lose this twice."
Travis's mind was screaming: Don't do this, Ennis. Don't have a fucking revelation, not when I'm just over you...
“Ennis, you just...you fucking want everything from a person.” He couldn't believe he was even considering it.
“I have to think about it.”
“Ok…yeah…good…think about it.”
“One thing: if we do it, I call the shots.”
“Sure, call the shots. What does that mean, exactly?”
“It means exactly what you think it means: what I say goes. Where we go, when we go, how long we stay...I'll figure out what I want to do and let you know. If you're interested, ok...you don't like it, no loss, we just don't do it.”
“Well, why can't we just go to the cabin?” Ennis was comfortable at the cabin, and he wanted to be comfortable if he had to do a lot of uncomfortable shit.
Travis said, “You know us – we'll get up there and start working on the place, it always needs something, or go riding...” It made him sad to think that they used to have such a routine together.
He continued, “No, it should be someplace we can just come and go, with no responsibilities, like a hotel or something. If we're going to talk, then that's all I want to do.”
Ennis smiled then and said, “We'll have time for more than just talkin', won't we?"
“Yeah, well, the sex doesn't need work, does it?”
That was another reason Travis didn't want to be in a familiar place – they were too likely to put off talking and try to make up for it by fucking, and while he might not say no to it, it wouldn't fix anything and he wasn't looking for a weekend of sex with Ennis – he was looking for a lifetime of it.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 3400
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
He tried. They both tried.
“Didn't know you guys was pen-pals. Been writin' pretty regular? Tellin' him all the news from home? Except who you're fuckin', bet you don't tell him that.”
Travis got up, leaving his half-empty glass and the letter, quietly left the cabin, got in his car and drove away.
Chapter 19
Ennis heard the BMW start up, heard the hum of the engine fade as it put distance between him and Travis, then silence settled in around the house again.
He got up and walked to the living room, snapping on a light, looking for...what? Some kind of evidence that Travis wasn't gone for good after being pushed out the door...again? Turn the tables, Ennis...what would you have done?
He walked over to the glass door leading to the deck and looked out, saw Travis's glass...and the letter. He had to know what was in that letter...
Why would that guy be writing to Travis...he must want something...maybe he wanted Travis to come back to California...maybe Brian wanted to come to Wyoming to see him...that would be worse, I couldn't stand that...
I can't compete with this guy...Brian's known Travis for ten years...they had a history...but Travis said he'd never slept with Brian...I don't know if I believe that...not that Travis would lie...well, that's what you just said...
He slid the door open and stood in the doorway, staring at the letter on the table.
Just go get it, he said you could read it...why didn't you just read it while he was here, get it over with, he must know there's nothing in it, he said you could read it before he even opened it...Christ, Ennis, you're an idiot...
Stepping outside, the area dimly lit by the living room light, he leaned over and picked up Travis's half-empty glass and the letter and went back in, took the glass to the kitchen, ran it under hot water, holding the letter in the other hand, not looking at it, almost afraid of it. He turned the water off and dried his hands, then he leaned back against the counter, slowly unfolded the letter and scanned it quickly...
How have you been...weather's been cold and foggy, typical SF...work's crazy...
It was short, only a few paragraphs, nothing intimate or suggestive...then, near the bottom of the page he saw his own name...
"Hope everything's going well with you and Ennis, and that you were finally able to work things out. You were pretty stressed about it when you were here, so I'm hoping things worked out for the best. And don't forget, the guest room's still ready for both of you, if you ever get up off your ass and make it out here again.”
It had been a month since Travis had left Ennis after the letter debacle. He hadn't heard from Ennis and hadn't tried to contact him – that was all over now.
He sat at his dining room table with pen and paper making a list of changes he was going to make in his life. He was tired of having put everything on hold, he was moving forward, and would not look back.
He was fed up with being sad and worried, with watching every word he said, with being afraid that he would somehow hurt or provoke or anger Ennis...he realized he'd been walking on eggshells for over a year, it hadn't gotten him anywhere, and he was ready to get over Ennis once and for all.
The previous week he had gone over his finances with a guy at the bank, not a Wharton grad, but the best advice he could get on short notice, he would have it reevaluated later, he just wanted a rough idea of his assets.
He was living in the house he'd grown up in, paid off before his parents had died. Between the sale of his house in California, which he and Jules had bought for one hundred thousand in 1982 and which he sold for four hundred thousand in 1996 before moving back to Wyoming, and the double insurance policies on which he'd been named beneficiary for both his parents, plus his own savings, he was looking at just under a million dollars in cash. He wasn't even counting his retirement account which was also quickly approaching the mid six figures.
He quit his job.
He bought a truck.
He bought the Arabian horse he'd been leasing, already named Black Stetson and called Stetz.
He hired someone to pick up the horse from Slate River and have him moved to Mountain High, a new show barn.
He arranged to have all his Western tack sold, and worked with an instructor at the barn to get familiar with dressage tack. He went online, opened an account with Dover Saddlery and ordered a $2,600 Stubben saddle, well below the $7,600 top-of-the-line Hermes, but after all, he was just starting out. He added a Passier bridle, saddle pads, dressage whip, a pair of field boots for himself. He had a list a mile long that included all the gear he'd need for his horse for the upcoming Wyoming winter: New Zealand rug, grooming supplies, leg wraps...it went on and on.
He'd never spent money like this before, but it was not a whim. He wanted to continue to ride, and he wanted to distance himself from anything that reminded him of Ennis and that included his hobby, which was quickly becoming his main interest, his passion. Now that he wasn't working, that was how he planned to spend his time – he knew it took years to get to even a training-level range of showing but now he had the time and the money to devote to the sport. And he was going to enjoy himself.
One day Ennis showed up at the ranch and noticed at once that Travis's horse and all his tack was gone. He didn't know what it meant, though. Did he give the horse back? Move to a different ranch to train, like he had last time? He was pretty sure he wouldn't go back to Deborah Strait's training barn.
He and Travis hadn't spoken since that night, Ennis knew it was his fault, but made no move to try to correct it, mostly because he didn't know how. Well, he didn't know how to do it without making himself look like a fool, which he figured was pretty much what he was.
He was ashamed of the way he'd behaved, like a high school kid, getting jealous for no reason, not trusting Travis after all he'd put him through. But he didn't know how to fix it, how to approach him, how to say he was sorry...again. He knew he'd hurt Travis more than once, but now he pushed it to the back of his mind so he could get his work done this week, resolved to give it serious thought over the weekend, when he could think clearly.
Now that Travis had taken the first step, Ennis had to be the one to make a move back to him...or not.
“Hey, Travis, there's some old guy up at the office to see you. Said his name is Ennis. He's weird.”
Travis was sitting on Stetz in a group of 3 other riders as he listened to them debating the pros and cons of training with a running martingale. He looked at the young girl who had ridden up to give him the message.
“Nice mouth, Sarah. You know, people do get older than 19, you just don't hang around with any. I'm almost as old as him.”
“But you're not weird.” She cantered off.
He nodded to the group, “See you tomorrow, guys. I'm gonna see what this is about, then put the horse up and head home.”
It was going on three months since he'd seen Ennis, but he had no qualms about talking to him, no nervousness, no butterflies in his stomach. All that was over. He couldn't think why he would be here, but he would talk to him.
He rode up to the office and saw Ennis standing near his truck. Travis did not dismount.
“Ennis.”
“Can we talk somewhere?” He despised being on the ground while Travis was on his horse.
“About what?”
“I don't wanna talk here. Can we go to your place? Or to Nick's?”
“I got a lot to do here before I can leave. What's it about?”
“I told you I don't wanna talk about it here.”
“Well, then I guess we won't talk about it.”
He picked up his reins and started to move off, but Ennis caught Stetz's bridle.
“Travis, come on, give me a break, I just want to talk.”
Two months ago, even a month ago, Travis would have lost his temper and railed about how unfair Ennis had been to him, or broken down and agreed to meet Ennis wherever he wanted.
Now he just felt tired of it all, and he looked down at Ennis and said matter-of-factly, without anger or self-pity, “I don't owe you anything. I've got things to do. You can't come to my house and I'm not going to Nick's.”
Ennis released the bridle and looked up at Travis, no fight in him and said, “I'm asking you as a favor. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm askin' anyway.”
“You're right about that, you don't deserve it.” Travis turned Stetz around and walked down to the barn without looking back, and Ennis had no choice but to get in his truck and drive home.
Travis was happy, happier than he'd been in a long time.
He had hired a private trainer and spent all his time at the barn, training four or five hours a day. Weekends were spent attending shows as a spectator or going to training clinics if his instructor thought it was worthwhile.
Between the barn, shows and clinics, he'd met more people in three months than he had in the previous three years. He was on the run from early morning to early evening, happy with his trainer, happy with the way Stetz was settling down to his dressage work, happy to have something he liked to occupy his mind for so many hours.
In the weeks following the last scene with Ennis about the letter, he had done a lot of thinking about their time together, and he swore he wouldn't let Ennis haunt him the way Jack plagued Ennis, swore he wouldn't use his time to think of the past, or how it could have been different.
To his mind, Ennis had turned down something precious: another person who was ready to share his life – the good and the bad. He had given it back with both hands, something Travis found unbelievable, given his total agony at losing Jack. He often wondered how he could throw it away twice, when some people were not even lucky enough to have the real thing once.
And though he did his best, Ennis would still come to his mind, mostly in his dreams, when it was out of his control. Or nights when he was too tired to push the thoughts away, he would let them surface as he lay in the dark, when it almost wasn't real, when he could tell himself – just this once, no more after tonight.
But the periods of missing him were getting fewer, with more time between them, and he knew soon he would be able to think of him without longing. He had no intention of pining after Ennis, no intention of going back for more. He had been in love with him but he'd never really had any part of him, and how could he miss what he never had?
Travis grabbed the coffee and filled a cup to take with him to the barn. He should have left twenty minutes ago, but he had started to pay bills and got carried away. He was meeting the farrier and then the vet – it would be an expensive morning.
He picked up his keys, shut the door behind him and locked it, turned to walk down the steps when he saw Ennis get out of his truck in front of the house. Now fuckin' what?
“Ennis, I'm late, I don't have time to talk to you.”
“Well, when will you have time? Look, I know I was an ass, I just want some of your precious time to tell you how big an ass I was.”
“I don't need you to tell me that, I know exactly how big. What do you want from me?”
Travis turned and faced him with his arms spread, he was starting to get exasperated. “You have exactly what you want, so leave me alone. I'm not getting dragged back into that for the third time – or would it have been the forth time?”
He walked away, got in his truck and took off for the barn.
“Ennis, you're startin' to get on my nerves.”
Travis had gotten out of his truck and was walking towards Ennis, who had followed him to the barn.
“Look, goddamn it. I fucked up, OK? I know. You don't owe me shit. But I'm askin' you...”
The day had dawned clear and cool but promising warmth, sun still low, throwing the mountains into high relief against a white-blue sky, the air around the tack room smelling of the horses and saddles, alfalfa, and sweet feed.
Travis ran his hand through his hair, looked out at the mountains, fighting against this.
"Christ, Ennis."
He turned and looked him in the eyes, "What do you want from people? I gave you a hundred percent and you took it - now you want a hundred and ten?"
Ennis's voice was soft and low, and seeing Travis like this made him pissed at himself, and he was dying to touch him.
“I know...I fuckin' know. Talk to me...let me talk to you...c'mon...I'm sorry..."
"Did you tell Jack the same thing? That you were sorry?" He tried to stop then - he hadn't meant to say it, but the words kept coming.
“Jack wanted this from you, didn't he? He wanted you to be there. And you couldn't. You haven't changed at all in thirty years, do you realize that? I'm not asking you for any more than he was – and you still don't get it.”
Ennis pulled back as though struck - he had not expected that. His first reaction was to run, get out of there so he didn't have to hear those words, face that question, hear Travis say Jack's name. He knew it was his own fault, but that didn't make it any easier. He'd have to face up to it sooner or later.
"Guess I deserved that..." His gaze flew from the sky to the mountains to the ground beneath his feet, not settling on one thing for more than a few seconds. He was panicking at the thoughts that were floating through his head, thoughts he had caused to be there...his fault.
Travis interrupted, "I shouldn't have brought Jack into this conversation, I'm sorry. This is about you and me. Well, it was about you and me." He shrugged, "Now it's not. I'm not gonna do this any more, Ennis, I can't."
"Jesus Christ, Travis, come on." Ennis was desperate to get through to him, he had to make him see that it was important. "Just talk to me, I won't bother you again."
And against all common sense, Travis agreed. He didn't trust himself to be alone with Ennis in his house, the temptation would be too great - he was certain the break was complete but he was still attracted to him, he was only human, and didn't know if he could stand to be alone with him and not touch him. And he didn't want to go to Nick's - if they were going to talk, he wanted privacy, he only wanted to do this once.
He told Ennis to meet him back at Mountain High after work, they'd ride the trails that wound around the place.
He had Stetz and another horse saddled and ready when Ennis showed up early at 4:00. Ennis looked at the horse with an English saddle and said, "I can't ride on that thing."
Travis snapped at him, "Yeah, that's a great way to start. We can call this off y'know, wasn't my idea."
Ennis shut up and mounted, looking too big for the saddle and the horse, and leaned over to lengthen the leathers.
They rode out of the yard, Travis leading, and picked up a trail the bordered the property. Another few minutes and there was nothing and no one in sight, but they kept on until they came to a place Travis liked to go, a small man-made pond surrounded by large flat rocks.
They dismounted and tied the horses, and Travis looked at Ennis expectantly.
Ennis was so fucking nervous; he hadn't really planned what to say, he'd been too concerned with actually getting Travis to agree to see him; then it all rushed out.
"Look...I know I fucked up...I said I'd try, and I fucked up...but I want to try again." Travis started to smile, an incredulous "you've got to be fucking kidding me, do you think I’m out of my mind?" smile, but Ennis kept going.
"I thought about how I was never there for Jack, messed it up good where we was concerned."
He was dangerously close to choking up, as always when he said Jack’s name, so he looked away from Travis and tried to focus on the scene around him…but he would never remember the pond, the rocks, never remember anything around him, only how the lowering sun forced him to squint to see Travis's face, tanned and lined and lovely.
The sound of Jack's name made the smile leave Travis's face. Ennis was voicing what Travis had himself wondered...what happened with Jack, what really happened? And how could Ennis be so cavalier with the hearts of people who loved him so much?
He looked and shook his head, "Ennis. You know I can't. I can't do it again. How can you ask me that?"
"I just want us to talk. Go away to the cabin for a while, a week, whatever it takes and just talk about it. About everything. I want to tell you about Jack, all of it, and the other shit that I've been keeping' back. Just talk. You, too, I wanna know everything, everything we never talked about, I need to know. Then if you don't want it, I'll leave you alone, I swear. But I haven't tried like I should, you know that. Let me try. I don't wanna lose this twice."
Travis's mind was screaming: Don't do this, Ennis. Don't have a fucking revelation, not when I'm just over you...
“Ennis, you just...you fucking want everything from a person.” He couldn't believe he was even considering it.
“I have to think about it.”
“Ok…yeah…good…think about it.”
“One thing: if we do it, I call the shots.”
“Sure, call the shots. What does that mean, exactly?”
“It means exactly what you think it means: what I say goes. Where we go, when we go, how long we stay...I'll figure out what I want to do and let you know. If you're interested, ok...you don't like it, no loss, we just don't do it.”
“Well, why can't we just go to the cabin?” Ennis was comfortable at the cabin, and he wanted to be comfortable if he had to do a lot of uncomfortable shit.
Travis said, “You know us – we'll get up there and start working on the place, it always needs something, or go riding...” It made him sad to think that they used to have such a routine together.
He continued, “No, it should be someplace we can just come and go, with no responsibilities, like a hotel or something. If we're going to talk, then that's all I want to do.”
Ennis smiled then and said, “We'll have time for more than just talkin', won't we?"
“Yeah, well, the sex doesn't need work, does it?”
That was another reason Travis didn't want to be in a familiar place – they were too likely to put off talking and try to make up for it by fucking, and while he might not say no to it, it wouldn't fix anything and he wasn't looking for a weekend of sex with Ennis – he was looking for a lifetime of it.
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All Things 19
Date: 2012-03-17 10:04 pm (UTC)I just read through Parts 13-19. I like it even better this time through. Reading all seven in a row really brought things into focus.
The struggle within Ennis reads very real, running away, hiding inside, until he finally voices his real dread, that he wasn't there for Jack when Jack needed him most. I'm glad he finally decided he needs to learn how to have both, his memories of Jack and the reality of Travis. And Travis, having a different upbringing and life, still can't fathom really the depth of Ennis' pain and fear and insecurity, and how hard it is for Ennis to open up. And the same for Ennis, he still can't understand Travis's approach to life.
Looking forward to their "talk" and both of them finding out whether each can live with the other and the other's past. Glad you're re-posting this, great story.
Thanks again.
Bud
Re: All Things 19
Date: 2012-03-19 04:18 pm (UTC)so glad you still like the story.
Sometimes when I write I wonder if I'm making sense, if the way I'm putting the characters on paper is believable...I know Ennis is pushing it with wanting Travis and pushing him away at the same time, but your words let me know that you see and understand Ennis's struggle completely. And you also get Travis, who had a better childhood than Ennis, and can't quite figure out why Ennis can't let go. But he's willing to help, that's why I love Travis...wish he was real!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-18 06:10 am (UTC)Can this change after the talk???
And yes Travis is right, he's put everything in this relationship and perhaps Ennis has too, as much as he's able to
But they're still on so many differnet levels
Can this change after the talk?
We'll see
thanks so much for all these chapters
Paula
no subject
Date: 2012-03-19 04:19 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting, I'm glad you like it, even though Ennis can really be frustrating!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-18 12:12 pm (UTC)great!
thanks!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-18 04:36 pm (UTC)Loved the last line "he wasn't looking for a weekend of sex with Ennis – he was looking for a lifetime of it."
Susan