All Things Considered, 26
Mar. 21st, 2012 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 26
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1200
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis smiled a little; he felt good, like he'd discovered something important. He'd just thought about Jack for the last hour, and the memories were good ones. He remembered Jack and the mountain and it hadn't made him want to grab the bottle, or drive to the horizon.
The difference this time was that Ennis didn’t shut down. He hesitated, he started and stopped occasionally, but he kept going, even through the tough parts, something which touched Travis’s heart because he could see how hard this was for Ennis, and at the same time gave him so much hope.
The previous night Ennis had spent talking about Jack, their past together, he’d talked about their love for each other, even though he had never said the word.
This night was almost the exact opposite as Ennis held him close and said words that no one else would ever hear, words that were only for Travis.
Chapter 26
Monday
Travis had his work cut out for him and it was work he was more than willing to take on, but it had to be planned out, thought through, before Ennis charged in with guns blazing.
He had to figure some way to slow down Ennis's recollections before he drowned in his memories again. And even though his loss was years old, Travis knew they'd almost have to start at the beginning, as if Ennis were facing it for the first time; and in a way he was, he was now facing his grief, not running from it. He had never gone through one complete stage of grief, he had just slammed from one stage to another, feeling the pain, then pin-balling to another level before any healing had taken place.
Personally, Travis thought the “five stages of grief”, as presented to him by the secular community, was bullshit. He'd seen people in grief counseling go straight to anger, skipping right over denial, and remain there, never getting any closer to acceptance than they were the first day of their loss.
And depression – so comforting after the death of a loved one! It would settle around you like a warm cozy blanket, and then proceed to smother you if you didn't get out from under it's soothing grip. Some would reach depression and hunker down, clutching their legal mind-altering drugs, their futures certain - that, in itself, a singularly comforting thought.
Not that the spiritual world was any better. God's will? He works in mysterious ways? Beautifully said, and even heard, in a sermon, to a room full of well-dressed mourners. Or an observation made by a long-lost relative or unfamiliar acquaintance, milling at a wake or viewing, “Doesn't she look lovely? Like she's sleeping. But so young! We'll never understand God's plans.” Then asking for directions to the home where the food and drinks would be served, courtesy of the grieving family. Barbaric tradition.
But five steps or God's will, pills or vodka or stations of the cross, there were two choices: face it or don't.
Ennis had chosen to bury himself alive, which would definitely fall under the “don't” category. That he had made even the slightest connection to Travis – and it was slight, based, as it was, on sex and the transient comfort derived - was a testament to a human condition that rarely had a light shone on it: redemption.
And why rarely? Because it is uncommon? Or merely unknown?
One person, long dead to feeling, and with only a recent desire to revive it. Another, familiar with the lay of the land of sorrow, but blissfully unaware of the back roads in that land. One way streets, dead-ends, detours...Ennis knew of them all...could teach Travis things.
And who was the redeemer? Travis held up the mirror so that Ennis might see himself, but Ennis must have the courage to look into it and face his guilt and fear and pain.
Once he looked, once he accepted his part in the scheme, what would be his penance? And what if it was more than he could bear?
Travis thought of all this as he lay awake early on Monday morning, trying to decide exactly how to proceed. He knew that Ennis thought he had figured everything out already, thought that one time of thinking about Jack and not giving in to old impulses had given him the answer, the strength to continue looking back. Travis knew it was only the beginning, and that there would be rough seas ahead.
“Hey, you awake?”
“Yeah.”
“I had an idea.”
“What?”
“Let's take the horses out, down to the beach and back around through the redwoods.”
“That's your idea?”
“Well, I thought it would be our last ride here. We could pack up and go somewhere else for the rest of the trip.”
“Why? I like it here...just getting' used to the fireplace...”
“Don't worry, we'll go to a place just as nice.”
“Where?”
“I'm still working on it...”
“Where?”
“South.”
“Well, that helps.”
During this brilliant conversation, they had gradually moved closer, coming in from the far sides of the giant bed to rest against each other, kissing and nuzzling like teenagers, softly talking of private things, Ennis saying he didn't think he'd ever feel like this again, Travis telling him again that it was safe...going back and forth...Ennis showing himself open to moving forward, if still very guarded...Travis always reassuring, saying how good it would be, how good for both of them.
The word love was not mentioned.
After Travis showered, and while he waited for Ennis, he made some calls to hotels, scribbling addresses and rates on a piece of the lodge's stationary. Then he spoke to the front desk and informed the woman that they were leaving today, and to please have the bill ready.
When Ennis came out of the bathroom Travis was just finishing putting his clothes in his suitcase.
“I made some arrangements. If it's ok with you, we're gonna leave after breakfast and drive back to the city, drop off Brian's truck and get a flight down south. We should be in a hotel just as nice as this one by six tonight.”
“I guess...I mean...why do you want to leave here?”
“There's a place I want you to see...I want to see it with you...it's special, I've never been there with anyone...I used to go there to get away by myself.” He pulled Ennis over to sit on the bed next to him. “You know, we still have a lot of shit to get through...we're barely started...”
“I thought we was doin' pretty good...I mean, I've been talkin', you've been listenin'...I'm not getting' drunk or runnin'...”
“Ennis, you're doing great. I'm just trying to look at all sides. This is a pretty big thing you're doing, going back over some of the happiest and saddest times of your life...and telling things to me, things you probably thought you'd never talk about...”
“Yeah, but I know how to do it now. It's like you said, I can remember and it's ok.”
Travis put a hand across Ennis's shoulders and pulled his head down to rest on him, “Yeah, I know, you're doing good. I just want you to be aware that there's a lot more to come, I just want you to be ready for it.”
Ennis raised his head, kissed Travis, “Hey, it's ok, I get it.”
“Ok, do me a favor. Just think about this today and when we get settled in tonight we can talk about it: what's your favorite memory of Jack? I mean something that you're ok talking about.”
Ennis frowned, “My favor...sounds like a homework assignment. What good is that gonna do?”
“Just humor me, ok? So, get your stuff packed up...we'll check out and...do you want to eat here or on the way?”
“Here, then we don't have to stop...so where are we goin' again?”
“I told you, south...”
“Well, where the hell is it? LA?”
“A little town between San Francisco and LA...Morro Bay.”
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 1200
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
Ennis smiled a little; he felt good, like he'd discovered something important. He'd just thought about Jack for the last hour, and the memories were good ones. He remembered Jack and the mountain and it hadn't made him want to grab the bottle, or drive to the horizon.
The difference this time was that Ennis didn’t shut down. He hesitated, he started and stopped occasionally, but he kept going, even through the tough parts, something which touched Travis’s heart because he could see how hard this was for Ennis, and at the same time gave him so much hope.
The previous night Ennis had spent talking about Jack, their past together, he’d talked about their love for each other, even though he had never said the word.
This night was almost the exact opposite as Ennis held him close and said words that no one else would ever hear, words that were only for Travis.
Chapter 26
Monday
Travis had his work cut out for him and it was work he was more than willing to take on, but it had to be planned out, thought through, before Ennis charged in with guns blazing.
He had to figure some way to slow down Ennis's recollections before he drowned in his memories again. And even though his loss was years old, Travis knew they'd almost have to start at the beginning, as if Ennis were facing it for the first time; and in a way he was, he was now facing his grief, not running from it. He had never gone through one complete stage of grief, he had just slammed from one stage to another, feeling the pain, then pin-balling to another level before any healing had taken place.
Personally, Travis thought the “five stages of grief”, as presented to him by the secular community, was bullshit. He'd seen people in grief counseling go straight to anger, skipping right over denial, and remain there, never getting any closer to acceptance than they were the first day of their loss.
And depression – so comforting after the death of a loved one! It would settle around you like a warm cozy blanket, and then proceed to smother you if you didn't get out from under it's soothing grip. Some would reach depression and hunker down, clutching their legal mind-altering drugs, their futures certain - that, in itself, a singularly comforting thought.
Not that the spiritual world was any better. God's will? He works in mysterious ways? Beautifully said, and even heard, in a sermon, to a room full of well-dressed mourners. Or an observation made by a long-lost relative or unfamiliar acquaintance, milling at a wake or viewing, “Doesn't she look lovely? Like she's sleeping. But so young! We'll never understand God's plans.” Then asking for directions to the home where the food and drinks would be served, courtesy of the grieving family. Barbaric tradition.
But five steps or God's will, pills or vodka or stations of the cross, there were two choices: face it or don't.
Ennis had chosen to bury himself alive, which would definitely fall under the “don't” category. That he had made even the slightest connection to Travis – and it was slight, based, as it was, on sex and the transient comfort derived - was a testament to a human condition that rarely had a light shone on it: redemption.
And why rarely? Because it is uncommon? Or merely unknown?
One person, long dead to feeling, and with only a recent desire to revive it. Another, familiar with the lay of the land of sorrow, but blissfully unaware of the back roads in that land. One way streets, dead-ends, detours...Ennis knew of them all...could teach Travis things.
And who was the redeemer? Travis held up the mirror so that Ennis might see himself, but Ennis must have the courage to look into it and face his guilt and fear and pain.
Once he looked, once he accepted his part in the scheme, what would be his penance? And what if it was more than he could bear?
Travis thought of all this as he lay awake early on Monday morning, trying to decide exactly how to proceed. He knew that Ennis thought he had figured everything out already, thought that one time of thinking about Jack and not giving in to old impulses had given him the answer, the strength to continue looking back. Travis knew it was only the beginning, and that there would be rough seas ahead.
“Hey, you awake?”
“Yeah.”
“I had an idea.”
“What?”
“Let's take the horses out, down to the beach and back around through the redwoods.”
“That's your idea?”
“Well, I thought it would be our last ride here. We could pack up and go somewhere else for the rest of the trip.”
“Why? I like it here...just getting' used to the fireplace...”
“Don't worry, we'll go to a place just as nice.”
“Where?”
“I'm still working on it...”
“Where?”
“South.”
“Well, that helps.”
During this brilliant conversation, they had gradually moved closer, coming in from the far sides of the giant bed to rest against each other, kissing and nuzzling like teenagers, softly talking of private things, Ennis saying he didn't think he'd ever feel like this again, Travis telling him again that it was safe...going back and forth...Ennis showing himself open to moving forward, if still very guarded...Travis always reassuring, saying how good it would be, how good for both of them.
The word love was not mentioned.
After Travis showered, and while he waited for Ennis, he made some calls to hotels, scribbling addresses and rates on a piece of the lodge's stationary. Then he spoke to the front desk and informed the woman that they were leaving today, and to please have the bill ready.
When Ennis came out of the bathroom Travis was just finishing putting his clothes in his suitcase.
“I made some arrangements. If it's ok with you, we're gonna leave after breakfast and drive back to the city, drop off Brian's truck and get a flight down south. We should be in a hotel just as nice as this one by six tonight.”
“I guess...I mean...why do you want to leave here?”
“There's a place I want you to see...I want to see it with you...it's special, I've never been there with anyone...I used to go there to get away by myself.” He pulled Ennis over to sit on the bed next to him. “You know, we still have a lot of shit to get through...we're barely started...”
“I thought we was doin' pretty good...I mean, I've been talkin', you've been listenin'...I'm not getting' drunk or runnin'...”
“Ennis, you're doing great. I'm just trying to look at all sides. This is a pretty big thing you're doing, going back over some of the happiest and saddest times of your life...and telling things to me, things you probably thought you'd never talk about...”
“Yeah, but I know how to do it now. It's like you said, I can remember and it's ok.”
Travis put a hand across Ennis's shoulders and pulled his head down to rest on him, “Yeah, I know, you're doing good. I just want you to be aware that there's a lot more to come, I just want you to be ready for it.”
Ennis raised his head, kissed Travis, “Hey, it's ok, I get it.”
“Ok, do me a favor. Just think about this today and when we get settled in tonight we can talk about it: what's your favorite memory of Jack? I mean something that you're ok talking about.”
Ennis frowned, “My favor...sounds like a homework assignment. What good is that gonna do?”
“Just humor me, ok? So, get your stuff packed up...we'll check out and...do you want to eat here or on the way?”
“Here, then we don't have to stop...so where are we goin' again?”
“I told you, south...”
“Well, where the hell is it? LA?”
“A little town between San Francisco and LA...Morro Bay.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 04:47 pm (UTC)And I guess I get the bottom line of the “Open Door” thing, but for them to try to compare grief and depression is ludicrous, I guess I would need to hear the whole discussion…
Depression is internal,, not affected by anything happening in your life. You can have a job that pays a million dollars a year, doing a job you love, a beautiful wife or handsome husband, wonderful children, support of family………….and still be depressed. So I don’t at all understand trying to compare the two.
Grief is singular. It’s an entity. And to break it down further, no two “griefs” can ever be compared because the lives of the people grieving are never the same. There are so many variables…
I will try to find an encore of the discussion between grief and depression….it’s a ridiculous comparison, imo.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-21 04:52 pm (UTC)