All Things Considered, 27
Mar. 21st, 2012 11:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morrobay1990Title: All Things Considered, Chapter 27
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
morrobay1990
Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2000
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
But five steps or God's will, pills or vodka or stations of the cross, there were two choices: face it or don't. Ennis had chosen to bury himself alive, which would definitely fall under the “don't” category.
Travis knew it was only the beginning, and that there would be rough seas ahead.
“...so where are we goin' again?”
“A little town between San Francisco and LA...Morro Bay.”
Chapter 27
Monday
Driving down California 101:
I'm afraid of it....y'know?
Yeah, I know.
Aren't you?
Of course. You're enough to scare anyone.
Do you think it could work?
Why wouldn't it?
You fuckin' kiddin' me? – how long you got?
Yeah, that's the attitude...
You know what I mean… ain't gonna be easy.
Why should it change now?
Funny...
We've gotta keep going with Jack. I mean, you've gotta talk about it more.
I don't wanna hurt you with that.
It'll be worse if we don't talk about it, you know that.
You sure?
Ennis rested his head back as Travis drove south on 101 towards San Francisco.
He didn't know why they'd had to leave Mendocino. He was perfectly happy with the lodge, the room, having horses to ride through the redwoods and down to the water's edge, the relative solitude, the ocean he was coming to love.
He wondered what was in Morro Bay that they had to pack, drive and fly – spend a whole day traveling...but it was really only a fleeting thought, not enough to make him question Travis's decision to go.
Ennis was having a good time, something that, if he were a gambling man, he would have bet heavily against before leaving Wyoming.
Not a few things made him uncomfortable at first – he could say now with certainty that flying was not his favorite thing.
And the lodge was the fanciest place he'd ever been, and he'd been intimidated by the sheer size of it. Having to talk to staff when he called for the horses or for room service was also a first for him, but like all five star hotels they were polite and helpful and it got easier for him each time.
He was aware that part of his good mood involved his new-found ability to recall Jack and their time on Brokeback together with no ill affects. True, it had only been a day or so, but he had it under control, and was able to bring to mind some of his most treasured memories. He could look back at Jack, at him and Jack, and it made him happy...just like Travis said it would.
He had thought he might have a hard time being with Travis non-stop, but that was working out, too, mainly because Travis was pretty laid back about almost everything – nothing planned ahead of time, they just did whatever they wanted as the thought struck them.
And Ennis knew he was free to take a horse out for a ride alone or spend time by himself any way he chose, that trait of Travis's going a long way in Ennis's eyes, and probably contributed to Ennis spending time with Travis instead of going off on his own.
And then there was the sex...
When Travis came along, Ennis had been lonely for a long time, having not actively pursued sex with women, and having no interest in sex with another man after Jack. If you got down to it, there wasn't a man or woman within fifty miles that he found the least bit interesting or attractive.
And when he met Travis he was both interested and attracted and he fought both of those natural instincts hard, not wanting to betray Jack's memory...not wanting to be drawn to another man.
But drawn he was, and of course sex was a big part of the attraction. He had been paranoid at first, not as bad as he had been with Jack, but he knew he'd never be totally at ease with it. It was different with Travis and for the best, or worst, reason.
Jack had been first...first sex, first love, admit it or not...and all that came with that had both sustained and crippled him over the years.
Jack had been the one light, the one thing he could look forward to in his otherwise cheerless and wearisome life...no wonder thoughts of Jack took over in his mind as they crowded out Ennis's daily reality: no money, back-breaking work, Alma's meager charms quickly fading against the day-to-day grind...as Ennis realized in that first year that he should have stayed with Jack all along...so very late for that.
Those early memories flashed hot through his mind, always bringing with them a combination of comfort and ecstasy. Even his thoughts of their later years together, when it wasn't new any more and they knew each others' bodies so well, could still stir strong sexual emotions in Ennis, coming, as they did, with all the underlying feelings of first love.
The pain, which is what he fought and feared, was brought on, not by his erotic memories of Jack, but by his guilt, of course.
Early on with Travis, he was trying to numb the pain of not having Jack; using Travis's body as a form of heroin, he achieved his high and was quickly addicted, never intending to have emotions get in the way. The raw sex that had started out driven by memories and fueled by alcohol gave way to deeper feelings, and the sex actually got better for Ennis – not that he put the two things together.
But he'd been thinking of the question Travis had asked him: to recall about his favorite memory of Jack. What the hell was that about?
First of all, he couldn't pick one, and he didn't know if he wanted to give that much away to anyone, even Travis. Shit, he'd already told him about Brokeback, a little bit of what Jack was like, what Ennis felt for him – he'd told him plenty.
Maybe this was all one-sided...Travis would know too much...Ennis wasn't used to opening up and sharing his thoughts, it was foreign to him...it had been hard enough to get this far and he thought he had done a pretty good job. Why did Travis need more?
He had succeeded in working himself up a pretty good self-righteous anger.
Why had Travis asked about this...what did he want from him. What was it supposed to prove? He took a deep breath and tried to think it through.
So what was his best memory of Jack? He closed his eyes, prepared for the onslaught and let them loose.
Jack, the first time he’d seen him, leaning on his truck.
Riding away from him on that bay mare...
Putting his hand up to touch Ennis's face...
The first time Jack kissed him, and the second, and the third...
Jack lying with his head in Ennis's lap...
Surprising him one night by coming to Ennis as he was sleeping by the sheep...
Singing those damn songs and playing that lousy harmonica...
Watching the changes in him over the years and still feeling his heart beat fast whenever he saw him...
Jesus, there were a thousand of 'em.
But it was the memory that he thought of the most, the one that could bring him to his knees, or make him feel like he was on top of the world: Jack coming back to him after four long years away...that sweetest coming together again...as if they had never been apart...the seamless blending of their bodies...the touch that he missed so much it made him ache, yet it was all he thought about...until all of a sudden he had it back again, Jack in his arms, after all this time.
If he could just hold that one time...those perfect moments together...and not what came after.
No, he'd never tell Travis about that. It was nobody's fucking business, talking about it wouldn't help him, and no way was he giving this one away. Not to Travis, not to anyone.
He stared out the window: trees, ocean, trees...
The miles slid past.
Shit...what happened to his good mood?
Travis put on the left blinker and pulled out to pass the slow-moving Caddy in front of him, stepped on the gas and the Hummer shot forward, smoothing out the curves in the road,...hmm, maybe not such a piece of shit, after all.
He hoped the move down the coast to Morro Bay wasn't a mistake, but they were so close, he had to go, didn't think Ennis had a problem with it. He had gotten pretty quiet, though.
Well, he had a lot to think about...Travis wondered if he was really going to hear Ennis's best memory of Jack – he doubted it. Ennis thought he had everything under control, but Travis knew better.
He also wondered what their life was going to be like when they returned to Wyoming.
They had created their own little world there, but if they were going to be together, all that would have to change, and if Ennis thought his little trip down memory lane was tough, wait until he tried dealing with that.
Or was it Travis who was going to have to deal it?
Maybe Ennis would insist that they remain living separate...that would never work, not for Travis, it wasn't what he wanted. But if Travis was one thing, it was realistic, and he knew he'd have to wait a long time before Ennis could deal with something that big.
Well, he'd told Ennis that he was prepared to wait, to help Ennis get over his past. After Ennis had opened up about Jack, Travis had been a little surprised at his own reaction to listening to the stories he had told. It might be harder than he'd originally thought, but listen he would.
Sitting in a bar in the San Francisco airport:
How, uh...how often did you see him?
Not often. Couple times a year.
Where?
Here and there...I trailered horses to wherever we decided to go, meet up with him and just get up in the mountains.
You didn't always go to Brokeback?
Never went back...was just there the one time. The first time.
Why didn't you ever go back? I thought it was the one place you always wanted to go back to.
Couldn't go back there... never talked about it... never went back.
No, flying would never be his favorite thing.
He gripped the armrest and looked pointedly away from the window on take-off as the jet thundered down the runway...he felt the wheels leave the ground...the weird sensation as he was pushed back in his seat as they climbed, heard a loud bang, but didn't know it was the landing gear retracting.
He looked over at Travis, head rested back, eyes closed.
He wanted to do this, wanted it to be good between them, and he was pretty sure it was going to work out ok. Sure, there would be ups and down, same as everybody else. But he'd done a lot of thinking over the past few days, and he was sure of his feelings.
He didn't make himself say the word, though...not yet.
In the air over the Santa Cruz mountains:
What you said the other night...that I...
What?
…...That I...had feelings for him...and he's gone...
Yeah...
I never said it. I couldn’t ever...
Well.....
I could never say it...I want it to be different...Jack's all I had for so many years...the remembering's getting better, easier...but all the other stuff...you sure?...
You can do it...we can do it.
Yeah, I know...but are you sure?
Ennis had some of his own questions for Travis, was planning on bringing them up when they got to the new hotel, among the first would be why Travis had been married.
He didn't know anything of Travis's past, really, and it was a pretty interesting topic of conversation. He didn't even know if Ennis was his first...damn. If there had been...fuck.
He really didn't know anything about his past.
Driving up the Pacific Coast Highway from Los Angeles:
Did your wife know?
No.
You never told her?
Nothing to tell. I loved her...never cheated on her.
Yeah, but...didn't you ever...
What?
You know, do this before?
Once.
What happened?
Didn't work out...
Was it... Did you...
No.
Author:
morrobay1990Genre: Ennis, moving on?
Word count: 2000
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack
Previously, on All Things Considered...
But five steps or God's will, pills or vodka or stations of the cross, there were two choices: face it or don't. Ennis had chosen to bury himself alive, which would definitely fall under the “don't” category.
Travis knew it was only the beginning, and that there would be rough seas ahead.
“...so where are we goin' again?”
“A little town between San Francisco and LA...Morro Bay.”
Chapter 27
Monday
Driving down California 101:
I'm afraid of it....y'know?
Yeah, I know.
Aren't you?
Of course. You're enough to scare anyone.
Do you think it could work?
Why wouldn't it?
You fuckin' kiddin' me? – how long you got?
Yeah, that's the attitude...
You know what I mean… ain't gonna be easy.
Why should it change now?
Funny...
We've gotta keep going with Jack. I mean, you've gotta talk about it more.
I don't wanna hurt you with that.
It'll be worse if we don't talk about it, you know that.
You sure?
Ennis rested his head back as Travis drove south on 101 towards San Francisco.
He didn't know why they'd had to leave Mendocino. He was perfectly happy with the lodge, the room, having horses to ride through the redwoods and down to the water's edge, the relative solitude, the ocean he was coming to love.
He wondered what was in Morro Bay that they had to pack, drive and fly – spend a whole day traveling...but it was really only a fleeting thought, not enough to make him question Travis's decision to go.
Ennis was having a good time, something that, if he were a gambling man, he would have bet heavily against before leaving Wyoming.
Not a few things made him uncomfortable at first – he could say now with certainty that flying was not his favorite thing.
And the lodge was the fanciest place he'd ever been, and he'd been intimidated by the sheer size of it. Having to talk to staff when he called for the horses or for room service was also a first for him, but like all five star hotels they were polite and helpful and it got easier for him each time.
He was aware that part of his good mood involved his new-found ability to recall Jack and their time on Brokeback together with no ill affects. True, it had only been a day or so, but he had it under control, and was able to bring to mind some of his most treasured memories. He could look back at Jack, at him and Jack, and it made him happy...just like Travis said it would.
He had thought he might have a hard time being with Travis non-stop, but that was working out, too, mainly because Travis was pretty laid back about almost everything – nothing planned ahead of time, they just did whatever they wanted as the thought struck them.
And Ennis knew he was free to take a horse out for a ride alone or spend time by himself any way he chose, that trait of Travis's going a long way in Ennis's eyes, and probably contributed to Ennis spending time with Travis instead of going off on his own.
And then there was the sex...
When Travis came along, Ennis had been lonely for a long time, having not actively pursued sex with women, and having no interest in sex with another man after Jack. If you got down to it, there wasn't a man or woman within fifty miles that he found the least bit interesting or attractive.
And when he met Travis he was both interested and attracted and he fought both of those natural instincts hard, not wanting to betray Jack's memory...not wanting to be drawn to another man.
But drawn he was, and of course sex was a big part of the attraction. He had been paranoid at first, not as bad as he had been with Jack, but he knew he'd never be totally at ease with it. It was different with Travis and for the best, or worst, reason.
Jack had been first...first sex, first love, admit it or not...and all that came with that had both sustained and crippled him over the years.
Jack had been the one light, the one thing he could look forward to in his otherwise cheerless and wearisome life...no wonder thoughts of Jack took over in his mind as they crowded out Ennis's daily reality: no money, back-breaking work, Alma's meager charms quickly fading against the day-to-day grind...as Ennis realized in that first year that he should have stayed with Jack all along...so very late for that.
Those early memories flashed hot through his mind, always bringing with them a combination of comfort and ecstasy. Even his thoughts of their later years together, when it wasn't new any more and they knew each others' bodies so well, could still stir strong sexual emotions in Ennis, coming, as they did, with all the underlying feelings of first love.
The pain, which is what he fought and feared, was brought on, not by his erotic memories of Jack, but by his guilt, of course.
Early on with Travis, he was trying to numb the pain of not having Jack; using Travis's body as a form of heroin, he achieved his high and was quickly addicted, never intending to have emotions get in the way. The raw sex that had started out driven by memories and fueled by alcohol gave way to deeper feelings, and the sex actually got better for Ennis – not that he put the two things together.
But he'd been thinking of the question Travis had asked him: to recall about his favorite memory of Jack. What the hell was that about?
First of all, he couldn't pick one, and he didn't know if he wanted to give that much away to anyone, even Travis. Shit, he'd already told him about Brokeback, a little bit of what Jack was like, what Ennis felt for him – he'd told him plenty.
Maybe this was all one-sided...Travis would know too much...Ennis wasn't used to opening up and sharing his thoughts, it was foreign to him...it had been hard enough to get this far and he thought he had done a pretty good job. Why did Travis need more?
He had succeeded in working himself up a pretty good self-righteous anger.
Why had Travis asked about this...what did he want from him. What was it supposed to prove? He took a deep breath and tried to think it through.
So what was his best memory of Jack? He closed his eyes, prepared for the onslaught and let them loose.
Jack, the first time he’d seen him, leaning on his truck.
Riding away from him on that bay mare...
Putting his hand up to touch Ennis's face...
The first time Jack kissed him, and the second, and the third...
Jack lying with his head in Ennis's lap...
Surprising him one night by coming to Ennis as he was sleeping by the sheep...
Singing those damn songs and playing that lousy harmonica...
Watching the changes in him over the years and still feeling his heart beat fast whenever he saw him...
Jesus, there were a thousand of 'em.
But it was the memory that he thought of the most, the one that could bring him to his knees, or make him feel like he was on top of the world: Jack coming back to him after four long years away...that sweetest coming together again...as if they had never been apart...the seamless blending of their bodies...the touch that he missed so much it made him ache, yet it was all he thought about...until all of a sudden he had it back again, Jack in his arms, after all this time.
If he could just hold that one time...those perfect moments together...and not what came after.
No, he'd never tell Travis about that. It was nobody's fucking business, talking about it wouldn't help him, and no way was he giving this one away. Not to Travis, not to anyone.
He stared out the window: trees, ocean, trees...
The miles slid past.
Shit...what happened to his good mood?
Travis put on the left blinker and pulled out to pass the slow-moving Caddy in front of him, stepped on the gas and the Hummer shot forward, smoothing out the curves in the road,...hmm, maybe not such a piece of shit, after all.
He hoped the move down the coast to Morro Bay wasn't a mistake, but they were so close, he had to go, didn't think Ennis had a problem with it. He had gotten pretty quiet, though.
Well, he had a lot to think about...Travis wondered if he was really going to hear Ennis's best memory of Jack – he doubted it. Ennis thought he had everything under control, but Travis knew better.
He also wondered what their life was going to be like when they returned to Wyoming.
They had created their own little world there, but if they were going to be together, all that would have to change, and if Ennis thought his little trip down memory lane was tough, wait until he tried dealing with that.
Or was it Travis who was going to have to deal it?
Maybe Ennis would insist that they remain living separate...that would never work, not for Travis, it wasn't what he wanted. But if Travis was one thing, it was realistic, and he knew he'd have to wait a long time before Ennis could deal with something that big.
Well, he'd told Ennis that he was prepared to wait, to help Ennis get over his past. After Ennis had opened up about Jack, Travis had been a little surprised at his own reaction to listening to the stories he had told. It might be harder than he'd originally thought, but listen he would.
Sitting in a bar in the San Francisco airport:
How, uh...how often did you see him?
Not often. Couple times a year.
Where?
Here and there...I trailered horses to wherever we decided to go, meet up with him and just get up in the mountains.
You didn't always go to Brokeback?
Never went back...was just there the one time. The first time.
Why didn't you ever go back? I thought it was the one place you always wanted to go back to.
Couldn't go back there... never talked about it... never went back.
No, flying would never be his favorite thing.
He gripped the armrest and looked pointedly away from the window on take-off as the jet thundered down the runway...he felt the wheels leave the ground...the weird sensation as he was pushed back in his seat as they climbed, heard a loud bang, but didn't know it was the landing gear retracting.
He looked over at Travis, head rested back, eyes closed.
He wanted to do this, wanted it to be good between them, and he was pretty sure it was going to work out ok. Sure, there would be ups and down, same as everybody else. But he'd done a lot of thinking over the past few days, and he was sure of his feelings.
He didn't make himself say the word, though...not yet.
In the air over the Santa Cruz mountains:
What you said the other night...that I...
What?
…...That I...had feelings for him...and he's gone...
Yeah...
I never said it. I couldn’t ever...
Well.....
I could never say it...I want it to be different...Jack's all I had for so many years...the remembering's getting better, easier...but all the other stuff...you sure?...
You can do it...we can do it.
Yeah, I know...but are you sure?
Ennis had some of his own questions for Travis, was planning on bringing them up when they got to the new hotel, among the first would be why Travis had been married.
He didn't know anything of Travis's past, really, and it was a pretty interesting topic of conversation. He didn't even know if Ennis was his first...damn. If there had been...fuck.
He really didn't know anything about his past.
Driving up the Pacific Coast Highway from Los Angeles:
Did your wife know?
No.
You never told her?
Nothing to tell. I loved her...never cheated on her.
Yeah, but...didn't you ever...
What?
You know, do this before?
Once.
What happened?
Didn't work out...
Was it... Did you...
No.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 07:51 am (UTC)but it is a journey for both of them, in all ways...