October 20

[morrobay1990]

Title: October 20
Author: morrobay1990
Warning: some sorrow/some hope
Genre: canon/1990
Word count: 525
Disclaimer: They are AP's
♥ Jack






Country Road in Provence by Night - Vincent Van Gogh





Two shots of JD hadn’t done the job of either easing his pain or letting him sleep. He was thinking through the steps of what it would take to get out of bed and get the pills that were on the kitchen counter and it took much longer than normal but he finally got there, took two and brought the bottle and a glass of water and set them on the table next to the bed.

He’d never taken pain pills and wasn’t sure what to expect but in a few minutes his body felt weightless, light...his mind was drifting, no anchor...he couldn’t remember from one thought to the next, there was no context, nothing stringing the thoughts together, they swirled in a vortex, picking up debris from years ago, dropping things that happened yesterday, gathering up more and mixing it all in one big black remembrance of his life, best and worst...the worst seemed to linger then...go figure.

Deceased. Nobody should get news like that in such a way...and alone...the phone call...the drive...and the questions...what really happened...what day...what time...

Thoughts dipped down, the clarity was shocking...that drive to Lightning Flat...the closer he’d got to Jack’s boyhood home, the deeper the questions: how long did he lie there...did he know...did he think...did he feel...

Tears flowed for the first time in...

And then it was personal: what was Ennis doing at the exact moment it happened...where had he been...working...feeding cattle...driving...eating...sleeping...

Would it have made a difference if he had quit Stoutamire’s and they’d gone on their trip?

Of course it would, came the answer, his head turned back and forth on the pillow, undoing any good the drug-induced sleep could have given him...you shoulda been with him, camping like always...look...look what you did... it was as if all the devils of hell had come to taunt him for his weakness...your fault…your fault...and flung still more questions at him...torment...did he think of you? did he call to you?...

The narcotic in the pills he’d taken was fully released into his bloodstream now...his breathing had slowed, the remembrances continued...

Sudden switch...memories flowed to the first time...in this altered state, and unknown to him, his muscles relaxed after being tensed and stiff...softened, as he had softened under Jack’s touch for all those years...all those times taken for granted...

Another turn, like a river rounding a bend...bringing Junior home from the hospital...love like he’d never experienced...staring at her little face, knowing she was depending on him for everything...he wanted to give her everything…nothing would change that, nothing could ever come between them, he’d always be there for her, no matter what...kissing her goodbye to go to Jack...

Lucky for him...he submerged deeper below the surface and, if he had been awake, would have felt the euphoria that led to abuse of this drug...euphoria that came to him now in the form of all the best he and Jack had ever been, all the happiness they’d ever known together...the good times...only the good times...and when he woke, besides the feeling of great relief that his pain had subsided, he was aware only of an indefinable sense of peace.

Comments

[morrobay1990.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that's so good to hear. My inner "you can't write for shit" demon has been rearing its ugly head lately. I've been ignoring it...mostly.

[tizi17.livejournal.com]

you definitely should. ignore that i mean. your writing is excellent because you give us oceans of emotion, with very little words.. thank you.