morrobay1990 | Forsaking All Others

Title: Forsaking All Others
Author:

morrobay1990
Genre: post-canon
Word count: 1300
Disclaimer: Jack & Ennis are AP's.
♥ Jack

"Red Dress" Michael Austin

Forsaking All Others Red_Dress_Michael_Austin

My wedding day...I’ll never forget this day...it’s going to be perfect

“Mama, we’ll never get everything done on time, never.”

Junior looked up from the list she was making and stared at Alma, eyes glossy with tears.

Alma picked up the list and started reading off what they had written, “Decorate the tables, pick up bouquet, get the veil from Mrs. Meade, set up the food…”

“See? It’s too much, we can’t do it!” Tears slid down Junior’s face and her lip trembled. She didn’t want to be rude to her mother, but she was ready to scream. It was too much, they’d never be ready in two days, her dream wedding was turning into a nightmare.

“Oh, honey, of course we’ll be ready. You think I’m gonna let anything ruin this day for you?” Alma got up from the table and stood behind her daughter, gathering up Junior’s hair, fingers smoothing it and playing in it softly.

“This is going to be the most beautiful day of your life, you’ll see.”

“Mama,” Junior suddenly turned to look at Alma, “what was your wedding day like?” She’d always wanted to ask that question. Of course, she’d seen the wedding photo that for years had hung alone on the wall in the living room, and they looked sort of happy. But she wanted to know more, wanted to ask so many questions, wanted to know the whole story of their romance...and what had happened to turn them into people who could barely speak to each other.

Alma turned to the sink and rinsed out her coffee cup, filled it again, added milk, sugar, stirred, all the while looking into its depths as though the answer could be found there.

“Well, it wasn’t near as nice as yours is gonna be.” She collected herself and smiled at her oldest girl. “Me and Jenny will do the decorating, Kurt can help out with the running around and picking things up, Monroe will do all the food. So don’t you worry about a thing.”

That wasn’t the answer Junior wanted to hear, but right now she was too upset about her own wedding not being perfect and if she had to choose between the two subjects, her wedding had to come first...for now.

Alma knew she had dodged a bullet and went on, “Now go downtown and pick up your shoes, don’t want you walkin down the aisle barefoot. I’ll call about the veil and finish this list, and we’ll be all right.”

She held Junior’s shoulders and kissed her on the cheek, hoping she sounded cheerier than she felt, “Now scoot, miss, and stop worrying.”

Junior hugged her mother and whispered in her ear, “Oh, mama, I want this to be wonderful. I want it to be perfect.”

Alma’s eyes closed against the memories flooding back, “It will be perfect, Alma. I promise.”

They separated; Junior gathered her purse and sweater, and left on her errand to pick up the white satin high heeled shoes that the shoe store in town had special-ordered.

Alma washed out her cup, this time dried it and put it up, then walked into the bedroom to get her phone book so she could call Mrs. Meade about the wedding veil.

Without knowing she was going to, she walked to the closet and stood for a moment looking at her dresses, all in varying shades of brown and tan…and Monroe’s shirts, all in varying shades of blue. She saw her good purse on the top shelf, along with two suitcases that they never used, because they never went anywhere, except once they went to Cheyenne so she could meet Monroe’s mother.

She reached in, hand on the rod, and pushed all the hangers to the right, and there at the far end where it had been smashed up against the wall since the day it had been hung there seven years ago, was her first wedding dress. It was covered with a plastic bag, and she frowned as she noticed that it seemed faded and a little discolored.

The modest headband she had worn that day hung there, a flattened mass of yellowed fabric flowers with soft, fuzzy centers.

Headband in hand, she walked to the bed and sat down, slowly running her thumb back and forth over one of those soft centers, the filmstrip of her wedding day playing out in her mind...she had been so happy, and excited and a little scared.

What took over, what she couldn’t stop from crowding into her brain, were the brittle memories of the kiss she had witnessed...and what her marriage had become after that. Things were never the same. She couldn’t look at Ennis without seeing the passion that she’d seen that night when the two of them had come into the kitchen after kissing on her doorstep.

How many nights had she lain awake wondering what to do? How often, when the girls were still little, had she come this close to walking out?

Walking out to where? That stopped her cold. She had nowhere to go. Her parents would never understand; there was no reason good enough to leave her husband.

That’s what she thought, too, until she had seen the unthinkable. She could scarcely believe her own eyes. Sometimes when she thought back, she wondered if she had imagined the whole thing. It was like trying to describe a hideous nightmare, or the face of a monster that only she had seen.

She thought back to the days and weeks right after the divorce, one of the worst times of her life. Ennis had moved his few belongings out of the apartment while the girls were at school…they didn’t know what else to do or how to tell them, so it was left up to Alma to answer all their questions that night...it fell on her to listen to their crying and sobbing after they went to bed that night and all the long nights to come, to stand up to them when they hurled accusations at her, accusations of not doing enough to keep their father at home where he belonged, asking over and over why they weren’t a family anymore.

Alma spent many sleepless nights wondering the same things that her children were asking, and not knowing any of the answers.

She hadn’t wanted to marry Monroe, not really...but felt backed into such a terrifying corner, and he the only possible means of escape. As much as she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she still loved Ennis...the old Ennis...the Ennis she knew before she lost him on that stormy day in June...or maybe he had never really been hers at all.

It wasn’t easy for her, living with a man she didn’t love, having a baby with him...although she loved their son.

Now that Alma Junior was getting married and moving out, she already had plans in her head to make a few changes to her bedroom and use it as an escape for herself.

She had seen a Phil Donahue show once, when the question was asked of long-married celebrity couples, what the secret was for being married for so many decades, when most marriages ended after an average of eleven years. The answer, the stars revealed, was separate spaces, generally totally separate residences. That made perfect sense to her, and while she couldn’t buy herself a house, she could certainly move herself down the hall...where her physical body would catch up with her thoughts and feelings.

She got up from the bed and walked over to the closet, replaced the headband with the dress, thoughts scattershot.

One day when she was a little stronger, she wanted to talk to Ennis and find out the whole story...what really happened that June day...what had happened before their marriage...find out who that man was...Jack Twist

One day. When she was stronger.

maybe tbc

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Please do continue. For one thing, I'd like to see how Alma takes over the extra bedroom. What would she put on the walls? I wonder what Ennis would think about her doing that. I bet it wouldn't occur to him that a wife might want a space of her own. He probably thought that when they lived together, all of the apartment was her domain -- why would she need a separate room?

I love that portrait up there!

I might continue this one, I have to see if the muse shows up...she was arrested for driving under the influence of mind-altering drugs and was released OR, which means I get her...sometimes the drugs really help and she'll come up with a good idea...sometimes she just sleeps it off.

I have "Red Dress" framed in my computer room, it's huge, but the feng-shui people say you shouldn't have sad pictures in your house or it will bring bad luck...now they tell me....

It seems to me that one of the worst things for Alma about her discovery is that there is no one she can talk to about it. Not Ennis (hell, no, he doesn't even talk!), and not her friends or relatives. Not her family physician or her minister. All she can do is keep it to herself and grieve and wonder.

You're right, I never thought of that side of it before - that she had no friends and no one to talk to, very isolating.
thanks for reading

I always felt badly for Alma, Lureen and any other woman or man who had the unfortunate luck to fall in love with a gay man or woman. It is so sad that we have to play this game and to please society hide our feelings from a very young age and learn to play the game of hiding who we are and who we are attracted to. I remember the last girl I slept with and I tried so hard to please her and to like her. I loved her as a friend and I know still to this day 31 years later she had very deep feelings for me. I came so close to actually proposing to her so my family and friends would be happy I was living the life they wanted for me. I remember the hurt and pain I felt and I'm sure she felt when I just came roaring out of the closet so fast and hard that I thought to myself if I did not do it that way I would never get out. It was quite childish of me but it was either that or killing myself. I remember putting on this front of love and affection and then finding a private place and just hating myself to the point I would go sit by the water and think how easy it would be to walk in and not come out. I always thought it would be a good way to die. One time it almost happened my lungs began to fill with water I was way too deep and I saw the light above me and I was not afraid I felt calm and warm all over and felt like this is the perfect way to just slip away with the tide just as our bodies is made up of so much water I would become apart of this water cycle. Then a hand came out of someplace I don't know and the next thing I know I was coughing and choking up along the shore. I knew then that I had to change and I did I became a slut and as gay as I thought the world would want me to be. But, that was not me either. I really did not like most of the gay world. It took a long time to find myself and to accept and love myself. I pushed so many people away in that time but was lucky enough that when I finally found myself I got the people back in my life who were so important to me. I blame myself that the last time I saw that girl was work related when I was visiting one of my clients at a mental health institution. She came up to me and hugged me and thought I was back in her life. It hurt like crazy I still don't know if I drove her over the edge and I continued to visit her and try and help out but sadly she was too far gone. I question did I cause her to have a mental breakdown or was it something else. I blame myself but I hope it was not the case. I have come to blame society for forcing us to live this life that way and so many still do. I think about all the new generation of children who commit suicide and their parents post that it was because they were bullied for being gay. In my day no parent would admit that so maybe we are making progress in the fact that some are accepting of these children but I also think it is because we talk about it more. I can remember so many others who committed suicide and it may or may not have been bullying but sometimes it was people like me who most of society would never guess were gay. I never got bullied, I was the eagle scout the straight A student the guy who played the sports had the best parties and was extremely popular in high school. But, through it all it was all a game I was playing. I could not wait for the three weeks every summer when I would travel to Europe and New York City and only then I could be myself. I lived every year for those few weeks from 13 - 22 so I could be myself and even then I was not myself. I have friends in New York city who still think my name is Lee which is my middle name. I never gave them the real name of Joe. Such a twisted web we weave. Joe

Your words are so soothing to me, Joe. I was in the same position as your former girlfriend almost 30 years ago. It is such a relief to me, when I know the wonderful person you have become since you made the decision to be true to yourself and those around you. I like to think that my former fiance turned out to be as devoted, as empathetic, and as fulfilled as you. I'm so pleased to have you as a LJ friend.

It's one thing to see a news story about gays in the military, or same-sex marriage as a politcal ploy, but to hear the hurt and anguish that so many are going through spelled out like you just did, is heartbreaking. You really did have to walk through fire, and so many are still going through that pain.

I don't know what to say...you've said it all.

thank you

Oh, man! I love this like burning!

This is why I'm so glad you were the first one to read RMSAR.

You totally get it.

More, if you're able, but how do you top this or even maintain it?

thanks, Donna. Your comments on dcf were the inspiration for this one.

Alma is a victim of the time just as much as Ennis. Thanks for pointing this out
Paula

yes, both Alma & Lureen were victims...collateral damage of Jack & Ennis's feelings for each other.

thanks for reading and commenting

Wow, very well written! You nailed the character of Alma so well!

In "our" movie we all focus on Jack & Ennis, they are the what the main story is about, but Alma's and Lureen's stories are heartbreaking, and you captured Alma's heartbreak and her feelings of helplessness so well.

thanks, Chuck! Appreciate you reading and letting me know you liked it.

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very powerful...

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thanks, Brian, glad you liked it.

I would love for you to continue this one. I feel so bad for Alma; she truly loved Ennis.

I liked this a lott. You don't see much of the development of Alma after her divorce from Ennis in the movie.
The picture you have chosen is perfect for this insight in Alma's mind.

Selina

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